Any comments would be appreciated on this sketch

THE SETTING IS A GUY AND GIRL TALKING TO EACH OTHER IN A PUB. THE GUY IS CLEARLY VERY DRUNK.
GUY: Basically my parents just got on my tities; they wouldn’t stop winging at me.
GIRL: I know the feeling, mine are the same.
GUY: They were like, (IMITATES HIS MUM’S VOICE) “If you want to come home late at night sounding like a herd of elephants do it in your own place”. They did my nut in.
GIRL: Yeah… (SHE DOESN’T GET A CHANCE TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE)
GUY: In the end I thought it was best to get my own gaff, you know what I mean. I do what I want when I please now, never looked back since. (HE TAKES A SWIG FROM HIS PINT AND SITS BACK SMILING)
GIRL: You’re well lucky, wish I had the money to move out.
GUY: You will do some day. (WINKS AT THE GIRL) I was in a fortunate position at the time so I took full advantage of it. (HE LEANS OVER AND KISSES THE GIRL) Fancy coming back to mine tonight and checking the crib out for yourself?
GIRL: What makes you think I’m that sort of girl?
GUY: The slutty clothes you are wearing…just kidding, you look beautiful.
GIRL: (SMILES) Ok then, show me your pad.
THEY WALK OUT OF THE PUB TOGETHER HOLDING HANDS. THE GUY STUMBLES A BIT AND THE GIRL GIGGLES.

CUT TO THE GUY AND GIRL SNOGGING IN THE TAXI. THE GUY PULLS AWAY AND LOOKS AT THE TAXI DRIVER.
GUY: Just here mate.
TAXI DRIVER: Ok. (HE PULL OVER) That will be £19.95 please.
GUY: Here is £20, get a peg or something with the change.
THEY GET OUT OF THE TAXI AND IT IS VERY DARK.
GUY: You are going to love this place, it has got the works.
THEY WALK UP A DRIVE LEADING TO A HUGE MANSION AND SECURITY LIGHTS COME ON. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FRONT GARDEN SITS A WENDY HOUSE.
GUY: That is the shit hole I used to live in (POINTS TO THE MANSION) and this is what I have upgraded to. (POINTS TO THE WENDY HOUSE)
GIRL: You’re having a laugh right?
GUY: Nope. Done pretty well for myself ain’t I? Come on, let’s take a look. (HE TRIES TO WAVE THE GIRL OVER TO THE WENDY HOUSE BUT SHE STORMS OFF DOWN THE STREET) Another one who feels intimidated by my high standard of living, oh well.
THE GUY OPENS THE WENDY HOUSE DOOR AND TRIPS OVER AS HE ATTEMPTS TO GET IN.

it's not too bad, I didn't love it but I don't like a lot of things.

It's a bit long for my liking you should probably cut a lot of the man and women getting in and out of the taxi ect ect ect.

but besides all that pretty good

PS - You could also have his mum shouting something like "I've finished your tea diddums" you get the idea

Don't mean to rubbish it, but it's very amateurish. Probably sounds okay as you're writing it down but it is weak.

The first few lines showed some promise but the ending was a disapointment, really not very funny. Like the guy above said, maybe if you cut a lot of the dialogue and made it a lot shorter it could work as a silly sketch, but not the way it is.

And the peg jokes really poor too. Sorry to rubbish your work but its best if i'm honest.

I thought they were going to turn out to be a couple of ten-year-olds ... but struggled with the ambiguity of them being in a pub. If you were to take the pub out as a location and re-site it in a recreation ground, park or somesuch then the punch-line, for want of a better word, could be that they were indeed just little kids (with a 'growed-up' slant on the world!) I think that would be funnier ... just my opinion. Got possibilities though.

Thanks for the feedback, it is good to get some honest views. I'm new here so all advice is helpful. I've been writing comedy for about 4 years now but have only really properly got into it since the start of this year. So far I have mainly done sketches but I have also started trying to do a sitcom with an idea I've had for ages. Cheers anyway, I'll probably be asking for some more opinions soon.

It takes a while to get into the swing of things Martin... Takes 10 - 12 months to get into properly into a funny writing style... I found anyway

Quote: paul watson @ July 5, 2007, 10:37 AM

It takes a while to get into the swing of things Martin... Takes 10 - 12 months to get into properly into a funny writing style... I found anyway

View original

When did you start, about 6 months ago?

The only way to learn really is to show it to people and see what their reactions are.

The same goes with script writing.

Bah... what do 'people' know, anyway?

Quote: Martin Bickle @ July 4, 2007, 1:07 PM

THE
SETTING Should be INT. or EXT. PLACE'S NAME - DAY or NIGHT. So in this case it would read INT. PUB - NIGHT
IS A GUY AND GIRL TALKING TO EACH OTHER IN A PUB. THE GUY IS CLEARLY VERY DRUNK.
GUY: Basically my parents just got on my tities; they wouldn’t stop winging at me.
GIRL: I know the feeling, mine are the same.
GUY: They were like, (IMITATES HIS MUM’S VOICE) “If you want to come home late at night sounding like a herd of elephants do it in your own place”. They did my nut in.
GIRL: Yeah… (SHE DOESN’T GET A CHANCE TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE) She's being interrupted. So it should read "Yeah//" or for extra realism yea// or even more "ye//" more still "y//" less "EXPLOSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
GUY: In the end I thought it was best to get my own gaff, you know what I mean. I do what I want when I please now, never looked back since. (HE TAKES A SWIG FROM HIS PINT AND SITS BACK SMILING) This should be in action, not in parenthesis. You do this a lot
GIRL: You’re well lucky, wish I had the money to move out.
GUY: You will do some day. (WINKS AT THE GIRL) I was in a fortunate position at the time so I took full advantage of it. (HE LEANS OVER AND KISSES THE GIRL) Fancy coming back to mine tonight and checking the crib out for yourself?
GIRL: What makes you think I’m that sort of girl?
GUY: The slutty clothes you are wearing…just kidding, you look beautiful.
GIRL: (SMILES) Ok then, show me your pad.
THEY WALK OUT OF THE PUB TOGETHER HOLDING HANDS. THE GUY STUMBLES A BIT AND THE GIRL GIGGLES. Lacking a transition, should go
CUT TO:
INT. TAXI - NIGHT

CUT TO THE GUY AND GIRL SNOGGING IN THE TAXI. THE GUY PULLS AWAY AND LOOKS AT THE TAXI DRIVER.
GUY: Just here mate.
TAXI DRIVER: Ok. (HE PULL OVER) [b]Why do you even need to tell us this?
That will be £19.95 please.
GUY: Here is £20, get a peg or something with the change.
THEY GET OUT OF THE TAXI AND IT IS VERY DARK. Dude. Sort it out. This is terrible. How about THEY STUMBLE OUT OF THE TAXI ONTO THE DIMLY LIT STREETS? Sets the scene better
GUY: You are going to love this place, it has got the works.
THEY WALK UP A DRIVE LEADING TO A HUGE MANSION AND SECURITY LIGHTS COME ON. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FRONT GARDEN SITS A WENDY HOUSE.
GUY: That is the shit hole I used to live in (POINTS TO THE MANSION) and this is what I have upgraded to. (POINTS TO THE WENDY HOUSE)
GIRL: You’re having a laugh right?
GUY: Nope. Done pretty well for myself ain’t I? Come on, let’s take a look. (HE TRIES TO WAVE THE GIRL OVER TO THE WENDY HOUSE BUT SHE STORMS OFF DOWN THE STREET) Action Another one who feels intimidated by my high standard of living, oh well.
THE GUY OPENS THE WENDY HOUSE DOOR AND TRIPS OVER AS HE ATTEMPTS TO GET IN.

View original

Not gonna mirror what everyone else has said, but the format is really screwed up. Comments above.

Quote: Leevil @ July 5, 2007, 11:11 AM

When did you start, about 6 months ago?

View original

I started yesterday... Hi Im paul!