'I used to go out with a library index card, must look her up one day!'
One Liners Page 2
"A stoner knee jerk reaction? That would take years".
I've always liked that line for some reason.
Something from a sitcom I wrote which always tickles me.
F**k Vagisil, men should get their own shower gel as well. It could be called "Gentleman's Wash"
A hotel scene
'Do not complain when I am welcoming guests!'
Here's a couple of my favourites.
Lucy is discussing her need to dye her hair:
LUCY
Huge amounts of grey. Always have had. Well, since my early twenties. It's in my genes.
MARION LOOKS A BIT SURPRISED.
MARION
You mean...
SHE POINTS TO HER GROIN.
MARION
You're really grey down there? Must admit I found a grey pube the other day.....
LUCY
F**k no. I mean it's hereditary.
Here's the other. Dan is a published writer at the launch of his new novel. He bumps into (not very bright) Cleo from Big Brother who has been milking her celebrity status. He doesn't know who she is and she's just told him she has an agent.
CLEO
Godda have an agent, silly.... He says I could move up from being 'D' list to 'C' list by the end of the year.... I just need to milk the publicity.... Jade Goody's my absolute hero.
DAN
Heroine?
CLEO
You're not very discreet are you.... I'm strictly alcohol and fags at the moment..... I'm only nineteen.
Don't fly Utopian Airways, they Never Never Land.
You can say what you like about water but it all boils down to steam.
I'm feeling a little detached at the moment… I felt a little semi earlier.
'My girlfriend sucked thirty seven dicks.'
'In a row?'
Yay Clerks!
"I'll f**k anything that mvoes!"
...you know Brian?The dyslexic postman.
Where's your best line, Marc?
I don't know what it says about me - but most of my favourites are unexpected swear words:
GHOST...What know you of Lord Diolch yn Fawr?
GUYHis reforms are pleasing the people; they feel he may steer our ship out of the economic gloom. It seems he could be a saviour.
GHOSTYes. He's not though.
GUYNo?
GHOSTNo. He's a twat.
Or fat jokes:
GUYLord Diolch Yn Fawr, I beg you. Point that catapult away from my daughter.
LORDImpossible. Physics restrict to but 360 degrees.
Some people don't quite seem to have grasped the idea of a "ONE LINER".
The worlds safest feminist car - the vulva.
The World's First Feminist Public Transport - The Fallopian Tube
I used to have my own fruit stand but it kept getting knocked over by 1970s police chases.
When I was in the scouts, we used to call our leader E.T. because he was small and wrinkly. And because we often found him secretly touching.
Sorry.