This is a first attempt at a sketch. I think it would work better on radio than TV. It's a pretty rough draft, but would love some feedback!
V/O: The Evening Summary with Desmond Desmond and Fiona Haagen Daaz.
DESMOND DESMOND
Good Evening, I'm Desmond Desmond.
FIONA HAAGEN DAAZ
And I'm Fiona Haagen Daaz.
DESMOND DESMOND
The main news tonight. A man who yesterday broke into the frog enclosure at London Zoo has today been named as Colin Pennyfarthing, an unemployed 36 year old from Brighton. Mr Pennyfarthing scaled the fences yesterday afternoon, and has now stayed in the enclosure with over 150 of these vicious creatures for 30 hours, but is as yet uninjured. Keepers in the amphibian house have already ruled out a manned rescue as simply too dangerous to attempt. Eugene Phlegm is at the zoo now. Eugene, what is the situation there at the present?
Pause
EUGENE PHLEGM
Well Desmond, Mr Pennyfarthing is standing in a round six inches of water, towards the western end of the frog enclosure, here at London Zoo.
DESMOND DESMOND
And what sort of state is he in?
EUGENE PHLEGM
Well, understandably he is in some distress. He's now spent over 24 hours standing upright, surrounded by some of the most fearsome predators of the amphibious world, and he is absolutely soaked from the ankles down.
DESMOND DESMOND
And is he under any immediate threat?
EUGENE PHLEGM
Well, yes Desmond. I arrived about an hour ago and there were several frogs looking at him and croaking quite aggressively. Obviously, frogs have no sharp teeth or claws, however they are known to give a nasty lick. Although zoo bosses are thought to be considering a rescue attempt be helicopter, the general consensus here is that he'll not last the night, without some sort of miracle.
This is Eugene Phlegm, of the Evening Summary, off to see the monkeys.
DESMOND DESMOND
Thanks Eugene. And we'll keep posted on that story as it develops. Fiona.
FIONA HAAGEN DAAZ
Manchester City Council today began the 3 month clearing up job that has been left after the recent disturbances in the city centre. The devastation occurred during last Saturday's lesbian stampede which started at Piccaddilly Station, and eventually swept the length of the Oxford Road.
Police say as many as 30,000 lesbians ran amok, demolishing everything in their path. Such a size of spontaneous lesbian stampede has never before occurred in the UK, and globally the only incident of this scale was the infamous San Francisco stampede of 1989, which triggered the worst earthquake the city had ever seen. Environmentalists have been quick to blame global warming for the recent rise in lesbian stampedes, whilst TV sitcom writer Carla Lane has laid the blame firmly at the door of fox hunting. Desmond.
DESMOND DESMOND:
The British Medical Association has today published concerns about the latest diet craze to sweep the country - the so called Kettering Diet. Devised by Professor Hugh Kettering, an American History lecturer at Harvard, the diet excludes all the major food groups. Subscribers eat no salt, fat, carbohydrates, or protein, and are restricted to eating only seashells and strips of tarpaulin. The BMA have warned of potential health risks, including heart disease, liver failure, and internal waterproofing, and advise people to consult their GP before undertaking any diet that's as obviously misguided as this.
And now, the other news headlines in brief. Fiona.
FIONA HAAGEN-DAAZ:
Pepsi chiefs argues that Coca-Cola is not 'the real thing'.
DESMOND DESMOND:
New measurements suggest that it is only a short way to Tipperary.
FIONA HAAGEN-DAAZ:
Britney Spears has had her unexpected one day old baby annulled.
DESMOND DESMOND:
And on a lighter note, a dog has filmed some hilarious footage of its owner licking his balls.
So that's goodnight from me.
FIONA HAAGEN-DAAZ:
And a nice warm mug of cocoa from me.
DESMOND DESMOND and FIONA HAAGEN-DAAZ:
Goodnight.
I'm sorry it's not laid out very well. I tried to copy and paste from Word, but it just reverted back to the above format (instead of centred dialogue etc)
I am so niave.