Hey Earman,
That last idea about the 25 pints attacking him could work, but i think its the sort of thing that'll either be hilarious or could just bomb. I really like your writing style though, it sort of reminds me of mine, and the 25 pint joke got me laughing straight away which is always good.
The only negative i have is that there are a few jokes that arent particularly brilliant, but thats just my opinion, and there are just as many funny bits.
Quote: Matt23uk @ July 1, 2007, 4:48 PMThe only negative i have is that there are a few jokes that arent particularly brilliant.
Do you mind letting me know what jokes you're refering to?
I've just had another quick skim through and i dont think the lampost gags particularly good, or the peadophile bit, as well as the geography "Geography is that something to do with Cookery?" bit.
But thats just me being fussy and maybe other people laughed at those bits. Overall i think its really good.
You're not the first person to not like the peadophile bit, so I think that'll have to come out. Thanks for the crit.
This very much put me in mind of 'Shaun of the Dead' and the relationship between Shaun and Ed. This was a very easy piece to read and although I'm not one of those who feel easy with anything paedophile related (albeit just one line), I guess it was very much akin to what 'Men Behaving Badly' was like towards the end. Uncomfortable but, nevertheless, still funny.
The rewrite of the first bit:
SCENE 1. EXT. NIGHT
STREET
DAVID AND KEVIN ARE WALKING HOME. KEVIN IS VISUALLY HAMMERED.
KEVIN:
Whoa. I don’t feel so good.
DAVID:
I’m not surprised. Twenty-Five pints is enough to kill most people.
SCENE 2. EXT. NIGHT
ALLEYWAY
A MAN IS WALKING HOME WHEN HE IS SURROUNDED BY TWENTY FIVE PINTS OF LAGER.
MAN:
Oh my God twenty five pints!
THE LAGERS ATTACK HIM.
SCENE 3. EXT. NIGHT
STREET.
DAVID:
Count yourself lucky you’re kind of walking.
KEVIN:
(Concerned) Uh oh. Lamppost.
DAVID:
Where?
KEVIN:
(Pointing ahead) There.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL A LAMPPOST, WHICH IS A FAIR DISTANCE AWAY.
DAVID:
That’s miles away.
KEVIN:
I don’t have time to move out of the way. Oh shit!
DAVID:
You’re not even walking in line with the lamppost anyway.
KEVIN SLOWLY STUMBLES TOWARDS THE LAMPPOST.
KEVIN:
Aggh! I’m going to hit it.
KEVIN SLOWLY “CRASHES” INTO THE LAMPPOST.
SCENE 4. EXT. NIGHT
STREET
THEY ARE STILL WALKING.
KEVIN:
Hold on. I need to phish.
KEVIN STUMBLES TOWARDS A TREE AND UNZIPS HIS TROUSERS.
DAVID:
Hey, you can’t do that.
KEVIN:
I can.
DAVID:
You’re not supposed to get your thing out in public. What if a child saw you or something?
KEVIN:
At this time of night?
DAVID:
Maybe a child won’t see, but someone might and it will be embarrassing for me standing next to you. It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve embarrassed me, either.
Better or Worse?
The 25 largers thing is a bit Family Guy. It works in the Family Guy format because that's what it is based on, but unless you were to have extracts like that throughout it would just seem a bit random....And then if you did have them throughout it would just be accused of copying.