How swearing works

Edit 2

A COLLECTION OF ERNEST CIVIL SERVANTS, SOLDIERS AND POLITICANS ETC ARE IN A ERNEST MEETING.

TIM RUNS IN LATE.

TIM

Sorry I'm late I didn't even know I was in the committee.

CHAIRMAN

The committee is so secret even it's members don't know they're in it.

TIM

Then how come you're all here in a meeting?

CHAIRMAN

Because it's a time of national peril you f**king c**t. Oh my God it's accelerating isn't it?

PROFESSOR

Yes Chairman are swear words are losing their efficacy at a rate of 5% a day.
It's got me shitted up.

TIM

This is about swearing, I thought Al Quaeda might have the bomb or something.

CHAIRMAN

Swearing's no f**king joke, swear words have a vital role in swapping verbal for physical violence.

GENERAL

The Second World War was actually ended when Churchill secretly phoned Hitler and told him to stop being a dick.

PROFESSOR

But in these f**king liberated times, more and more swearing is being done in papers, daytime TV and of course the shitting radio.

CHAIRMAN

Songs of Praise had "All things bright and beautiful, the Lord God f**ks them all,"

GENERAL

With out new more effective swear words, all that sublimated violence will turn to real violence. And we're facing a swear words arm race.

HEAD OF MI5

A traffic jam with Chris Moyles on the radio, could make the Gulf War look like f**king tiddly winks.

CHAIRMAN

The Chinese have already come up with 15 amusing terms for the anus and President Obama has decided not to share the Pentagon's new term for a blowjob.
The c**t.

TIM

Crikey this does sound serious, how about twunt, like twat and c**t.

GENERAL

Charlie Brooker f**king uses that in the pissing Guardian every c**ting Saturday.

HEAD OF MI5

We've had disturbing reports that Roy Chubby Brown and Kevin F**king Wilson have been recruited by Al Quaeda.

CHAIRMAN

General can I borrow your gun I'm f**king going to kill myself.

TIM

Wait, aren't swear words based on shock and deviation from social norms?

PROFESSOR

Yes so what?

TIM

Well if in the 21st century we're comfortable with sex, sexuality and bodily functions. Surely we should be looking for what we're not comfortable with? Like I

PROFESSOR

By jingo I think he's got something. I'm uncomfortable that my neighbours a
Muslim.

TIM

You're nimbi-Islama-phobe, I think that sounds pretty rude.

CHAIRMAN

And I find Bernard Manning quite funny(BEAT) because he's racist.

HEAD OF MI5

And I think Allan Carr isn't funny and is only famous because he's gay. But I'm secretly scared I might quite fancy him.

TIM

You homo I dunno.

HEAD OF MI5

How dare you!

CHAIRMAN

Oh shut up you, sexual ambigulator.

PROFESSOR

Oh yeh, you appreciator of dead white racist standups.

DESCENDS INTO A FIST FIGHT AND CHAOS.

I like the idea Sooty, but I think it needs to move faster, I also think it needs a funnier ending as the end lets the rest of the sketch down.

What was I thinking, I think I wanted to get the bulk out of it and now to editing!

Edit2

Quote: sootyj @ November 30 2008, 3:25 PM GMT

A COLLECTION OF ERNEST CIVIL SERVANTS, SOLDIERS AND POLITICANS ETC ARE IN A ERNEST MEETING.

CHAIRMAN

These are dark times, dangerous times, basically we're f**ked. Shit it's happening already.

PROFESSOR

Yes Chairman are swear words are losing their efficacy at a rate of 5% a day.
It's got me shitted up.

TIM

This is about swearing? I thought Al Quaeda might have the bomb or something.

CHAIRMAN

Swearings no f**king joke, swear words have a vital role in swapping verbal for physical violence.

GENERAL

The Second World War ended when Churchill secretly phoned Hitler and caled him a dick.

PROFESSOR

But in these f**king liberated times, more and more swearing is being done in papers, daytime TV and of course the shitting radio.

CHAIRMAN

Songs of Praise did "All things bright and beautiful, the Lord God f**ks them all,"

GENERAL

And we're facing a swear words arm race.

CHAIRMAN

The Chinese have already come up with 15 amusing terms for the anus and President Obama has decided not to share the Pentagon's new term for a blowjob.
The c**t.

TIM

Crikey this does sound serious, how about twunt, like twat and c**t?

GENERAL

Charlie Brooker f**king uses that in the pissing Guardian every c**ting Saturday.

SOOTYJ

How about using words with a shock value based on current events? Get lost in Pria da Luz or BabyP off?

GENERAL SHOOTS HIM IN THE LEG AND HE FALLS OFF HIS CHAIR.

GENERAL

F**king Gordon Brown Stain insisting we have a failed comedy writer in this meeting.

HEAD OF MI5

We've had disturbing reports that Roy Chubby Brown and Kevin F**king Wilson have been recruited by Al Quaeda.

CHAIRMAN

General can I borrow your gun I think I'm going to kill myself.

TIM

Wait, aren't swear words based on shock and deviation from social norms?

PROFESSOR

Yes so what?

TIM

Well if in the 21st century we're comfortable with sex, sexuality and bodily functions surely we should be looking for what we're not comfortable with?

PROFESSOR

By jingo I think he's got something. I'm uncomfortable that my neighbours a Muslim.

HEAD OF MI5

And I think Allan Carr isn't funny and is only famous because he's gay. But I'm secretly scared I might quite fancy him.

CHAIRMAN

As opposed to being politically incorrect it's self?

TIM

Let's try PC off or mother oppressor.

GENERAL

Well done son you've saved England, they'll be a medal in this for you.

TIM

I should f**king hope so.

SOOTYJ

Bah I wanted Gary Glitter f**ker.

View original

This is a great idea, esp the sear word arms race and Chubby Brown's joining Al Q. The ending is still letting it down but this is so good an idea, it deserves you having a rethink.

Thanks always glad of Slag feedback, do you think the punchline is perked up in edit 2?

The ending doesn't do it for me. Either A or B. It maybe could end with the Arms Race and Chubby Brown line defection sections if you pull them out and slot them in at the end.

If you do that, maybe they're despairing after hearing C. Brown has defected and the general announces it's time to move to Defcon 1 - "You mean?" "Yes, get me Jonothan Ross". That's just one off the top of the head. But find the perfect ending as this is (as I said) too good to 'Fire and Forget'

Also not "They'll be a medal..." but "There'll be a medal..."