Dave

Hi. New here. I've thrown together a pilot for a sitcom called Dave. It's a parody of the American drama. Dexter. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UJz0O2NjOo&mode=related&search=
Dave is an aspiring serial killer without the guts to follow through with his intentions. He decided he wanted to be one after seeing the hilarious Slumber Party Massacre 2 and found the killer to be a dude. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjFRAVP-OY0
Can people tell me where I've gone wrong with the formatting and just generally lay into it. I've uploaded it http://rapidshare.com/files/38561195/Dave.rtf.html.
An excerpt:

INT. IT DEPARTMENT - DAY - FLASHBACK
DAVE IS SAT AT A COMPUTER LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF AT AN OFF-SCREEN VIDEO. A HORSE NEIGHING, A WOMAN LAUGHING NERVOUSLY AND A MAN SCREAMING CAN BE HEARD.

DAVE (V.O.)
Being an IT technician for the most part isn't great. Like, I probably wouldn't recommend it as a career choice. But getting to moniter and access people’s email accounts almost makes up for it.

OVER THE WOMAN, THE HORSE AND THE MAN COMES A VERY STERN VOICE.

NAZI PORNSTAR
Sig Heil! Sig Heil! Sig Heil!

DAVE ABSOLUTELY LOSES IT. HE DOUBLES OVER IN LAUGHTER AND SLAPS HIS KNEE.

DAVE (V.O.)
Our friend MITCHELL had signed himself up for some
(PAUSE) exotic newsletters. You know, you really get the measure of a man by the contents of his porn collection.

MITCHELL WALKS PAST DAVE’S BOOTH AND OUT OF VIEW BEFORE HE BACKS UP SLOWLY AND LOOKS AT DAVE’S MONITOR.

MITCHELL
My God.

DAVE TURNS AROUND, SEES MITCHELL AND IS SO STARTLED HE JUMPS RIGHT OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND COLLAPSES ON THE FLOOR. HE SLOWLY GETS UP AND LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.

DAVE
Oh. Hello mate. This is just. Ummmm. Well, it’s like thi//
MITCHELL

Shhhhhh.

MITCHELL PUTS A FINGER TO HIS LIPS.
MITCHELL

Don’t worry. I understand. I understand only too well. We are kindred spirits you and I.

MITCHELL LOOKS LIKE HE IS ABOUT TO CRY. DAVE SHIFTS UNCOMFORTABLY.

MITCHELL
I thought I was the only one.

HE SLOWLY WALKS AWAY, HIS EYES NEVER LEAVING DAVE’S.

DAVE
OK...

DAVE (V.O.)
And this is why I always say that we men should wear our taste in porn on our sleeves.

CUT TO:

EXT. BUSY STREET - DAY
AN OVERWEIGHT MAN WITH GREASY HAIR IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET WEARING A WHITE T-SHIRT WITH ‘I YANK IT TO O.A.P PORN. DEAL WITH IT’. NOBODY PAYS HIM ANY ATTENTION

DAVE (V.O.)
Think about it. Go on. Think. It’d be just like wearing a T-Shirt with a band you like on the front.

A LANKY, GAUNT YOUNG MAN WEARING A WHITE T-SHIRT WITH ‘I LIKE O.A.P PORNOGRAPHY AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT Sad’ WRITTEN ON IT IS WAITING OUTSIDE OF A SHOP. THE OBESE MAN STOPS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM AND THE TWO STARE AT EACH OTHER IN AWE.

THIN MAN
I’m not alone?!?!?

OBESE MAN
No. And you never were.

THE TWO BEGIN TO CRY AND EMBRACE ONE ANOTHER.
CUT TO:
INT. GENERIC PUB - NIGHT

THE PUB IS HEAVING WITH MEN IN WHITE T-SHIRTS AS THEY GATHER IN GROUPS. TWO MEN, EACH WITH ‘I LIKE FRAMYARD. SUE ME’ CAN BE SEEN LINKING ARMS AND JUMPING UP AND DOWN AS THEY LET OUT A DELIGHTED SCREAM.

DAVE (V.O.)
Porn is something we usually watch alone and, in the post masturbation haze, end up hating ourselves for. But to see someone else with the same kink, well, you might just have a friend for life there.

AN ELDERLY MAN SMOKING A PIPE IS SAT AT ONE OF THE TABLES AND ON HIS SHIRT IS WRITTEN: I LOVE INTERRACIAL MIDGET ON GIANT ON HORSE ACTION. AN APPRECIATIVE CROWD GATHERS AROUND HIM.

CREEPY MAN 1
Surely such a thing is impossible?

CREEPY MAN 2
How did this ever get started? And why?

OLD MAN
Gather round young ones, for I have a tale to tell. A long time ago, on a usenet server far, far away.
DAVE (V.O.)

Imagine what it would do for your social life? It would be brilliant!
CUT TO:
INT. MITCHELL’S OFFICE - DAY

MITCHELL IS STILL STARING INTO THE EYES OF A VERY NERVOUS LOOKING DAVE AND NODDING KNOWINGLY.

DAVE (V.O.)
But then I suppose that’s what the internet is for. Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked.

Let me know what you think

Which (uhm) production company will this wee thrown-together gem be aimed at?

I have absolutely no idea. I was gonna send it off to the BBC and see if it flies with them. Doubt it though. Really I'm not expecting to get anywhere with this, I'd just love it if they read it and then commented on it.

OK ... I'll try an' come back to this when I've sobered up a bit, I haven't done it justice so far (actually I found it a bit difficult but I'll reserve comments until later).

Well OK then.
Anyone else?

Yeah, can someone please look over this and give me some feedback?

Hi Mate
This is a busy forum, many people haven't the time to check every thread and so most tend to look at work of people who they know or have had critiques from.

Best way to get advice is to start criting other people's work. They'll get to know your name and have a look at your work. It's like a co-operative rather than a place where you can get things for nothing.

Hey thanks to this thread, I check this Dexter show out. The show is pretty crazy concept, with poor dialog but it's still fun, so thanks.

I haven't read your script, 'cos I don't want any spoilers from the actual show, I've only watched the first two episodes.

And I echo (echo, echo)what SlagA said.

Quote: SlagA @ June 27, 2007, 2:27 PM

Hi Mate
This is a busy forum, many people haven't the time to check every thread and so most tend to look at work of people who they know or have had critiques from.

Best way to get advice is to start criting other people's work. They'll get to know your name and have a look at your work. It's like a co-operative rather than a place where you can get things for nothing.

View original

Seems a mite clique like to me but whatever. I'll take a look round.

hello
i've had a read and here are my comments for what they are worth...which is probably very little.
there was a nice pace to it. the cutting between scenes helped this.
the whole premise wasn't to my taste personally and as commissioners seem to prefer safer options i think you may struggle to find someone who is keen on the whole porn thing.
also, you need to have some sympathy or liking for your main character and i didn't feel any warmth towards dave. if your main character was mitchell then you'd be rooting for him at the hands of this porn lunatic. maybe make it a double act - like peep show. mitchell falls under the control of this strange porn freak....
i think you might struggle to make a sitcom out of it but it could be a great sketch or even movie.
good luck though.

Quote: socknose @ June 27, 2007, 5:49 PM

Seems a mite clique like to me but whatever. I'll take a look round.

View original

Hi Socknose. Not cliquey at all. In your own life, you're more likely to do things for people you know than for people you don't, so why should we expect the internet any different?

Reading other people's work can be fun but it can also be hard work, especially with so much material coming on each week. No one is sat here 24/7 just to provide free reviews so it's only natural that if someone has paid you the compliment of looking at your work that you are more likely to return the favour. Reading other people's work will also show you what works and what doesn't. Plus you get to know people and exchange or work on ideas / advice. So I'd say it's not cliquey, it's more a co-operative community. The more you put in, the more you'll get out.

Hi Socknose, welcome to the BSG

I read the extract and I liked it. Obviously without reading the sitcom script I can't comment on the sitcom as a whole just the bit you posted. Anyway, I liked the concept, very original. Obviously this type of humour is an acquired taste so not everyone will like it. Keep it up its good work.

Quote: SlagA @ June 27, 2007, 7:40 PM

Hi Socknose. Not cliquey at all. In your own life, you're more likely to do things for people you know than for people you don't, so why should we expect the internet any different?

Reading other people's work can be fun but it can also be hard work, especially with so much material coming on each week. No one is sat here 24/7 just to provide free reviews so it's only natural that if someone has paid you the compliment of looking at your work that you are more likely to return the favour. Reading other people's work will also show you what works and what doesn't. Plus you get to know people and exchange or work on ideas / advice. So I'd say it's not cliquey, it's more a co-operative community. The more you put in, the more you'll get out.

View original

Fair enough.
And thank you for the feedback everyone else. Can someone tell me if I'm formatting things correctly though? I know there's very little chance of this going anywhere, but I'd like to know that it's not going to be thrown out instantly because I screwed up the standard

It's difficult to maintain a parody beyond it's natural cycle, unless you are parodying an entire genre, in which case you have the scope to develop things without going off kilter.

Not having seen the show, this gave me an adequate idea of what the show was about, although I do question whether this is something that is saleable, simply because it is a parody. The scenes were short but to some extent it felt like a series of sketches on a theme. Nice timing though. What I would do is concentrate of putting together something original so we can see how you work and that gives a better idea of why you chose the parody format.

Sorry if I sound negative, but I can't really see where this can go.

So I've just had a marathon Dexter night with about 6-7 episodes in a row. And whilst I thought some of it was cheesy, I must say I quite enjoyed it.

Anyone recommend any other US Dramas that haven't made it over here yet, I can get lost in for the weekend?

And I'll read your piece tomorrow socknose, too tired now.