1. INT. KEBABULOUS KEBAB SHOP. NIGHT.
A BLOKE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND COME INTO THE SHOP. THEY'RE BOTH A BIT MERRY FROM A NIGHT OUT. STELIOS THE OWNER, FAT, MOUSTACHED, SEEDY-LOOKING, GREETS THEM WITH A WIDE GRIN. TOO WIDE.
STELIOS:
Yes please, what can I get you?
BLOKE:
Donner kebab please mate.
STELIOS NODS AND WALKS OFF TOWARDS THE ROTATING KEBAB MEAT, STILL GRINNING.
GIRL:
Eurgh, you're not having one of those are you? God knows what's in that meat.
THE BLOKE DRUNKENLY DISMISSES HIS GIRLFRIEND WITH A WAVE OF HIS HAND AND BEGINS READING "NUTS" MAG ON THE COUNTER.
THE GIRL WATCHES STELIOS IN DISGUST AS HE RAISES THE CIRCULAR CUTTING SAW AND STARTS SHAVING THE HORRIBLE SWEATY MEAT OFF. AS THE MEAT ROTATES, SOMETHING COMES INTO VIEW. IT'S A FACE. A HORRIBLE, HUMAN FACE IN KEBAB FORM, STICKING OUT OF THE ROTATING MEAT, PLEADING EYES WIDE IN TERROR. IT FIXES HER WITH A STARE.
MEAT FACE:
(HOARSE, HISSING) Please...help...me!
THE GIRL SCREAMS AND POINTS AT THE FACE AS IT ROTATES OUT OF VIEW. HER BOYFRIEND LOOKS UP FROM HIS MAG.
BLOKE:
What?
GIRL:
The meat...the kebab meat...
BLOKE:
Yeah alright love, you can have some as well. Bloody Hell, you've changed your tune...
HE GOES BACK TO DRUNKENLY READING HIS MAG AS THE FACE ROTATES INTO VIEW AGAIN.
MEAT FACE:
For pity's sake, the pain...
THE GIRL CLAMPS HER HAND OVER HER MOUTH AND BACKS AWAY IN HORROR. SHE STUMBLES OUT INTO THE STREET AND VOMITS INTO AN ALLEY. HER BOYFRIEND COMES OUT WITH THE KEBAB.
BLOKE:
Y'alright love, you wanna bit?
HE OFFERS HER SOME KEBAB
GIRL:
No!
BLOKE:
Fair enough. Pickle?
HE OFFERS A PICKLE FROM THE PACKET, ONLY IT'S NOT A PICKLE, IT'S A COCK.
END SKETCH
