Boring? Another attempt at over writing.

TREVOR IS TALKING TO HIS DR.

TREVOR

Dr I think I might be narcopletic I keep falling asleep.

DR

Really in what kind of situations?

TREVOR

Well I work at the Department for Health and Safety designing add on signs.

DR

Add on signs?

TREVOR.

Yes, like if some one has a post card reading.

"You don't have to be mad to work here,"

I add a bit that says.

"But your entitled to annual mental health check,"

Or if some one has a bumper sticker reading,

"Honk if you're horny,"

I add one saying,

"But not in a built up area,"

DR

Well Mr Trevor it's quite obvious you're boring yourself to sleep.

TREVOR

But DR it happens what ever I'm doing; trainspotting, stamp collecting, writing on sitcom forums...

DR

Mr Trevor stop! You may be the single dullest person I have ever met, get a new job a more interesting hobby, start self harming I don't know.

TREVOR

But Dr you don't understand I do stuff when I'm asleep.

DR

Oh what? Sell insurance? Convert people to Mormonism?

TREVOR

Well Dr last week I woke and up Angie from accounts slapped me.

DR

Did you pinch her bum in your sleep?

TREVOR

Well no I chatted up Carole.

DR

Carole?

TREVOR

Yes I seduced Carole married her, bigamistically married Angie and had a bisexual relationship with Brian the homophobic sales rep. Then appeared on Jeremy Kyle where I got in a fight with the audience, which ended with me popping Jeremy on the nose.

DR

In your sleep?

TREVOR

In my lunch break.

DR

Has this happened before?

TREVOR

Well there was the time I outpaced the Stig on Top Gear and Jeremy Clarkson snogged me.

DR

Mr Trevor not only are you hugely dull, but it would also appear you are a fantasist liar, a Walter Mittey.

TREVOR

I'd never lie and it's getting dangerous. Last week I fell asleep watching trains, next thing I know I'm waking infront of a firing squad.

DR

I'm going to regret this, what happened?

TREVOR

I'd sleep swum to the African state of Zenobia and led a revolt against it's cruel devil emperor Badfinger. But I was betrayed by the beautiful princess Voluptua who was being controlled by voodoo.

DR

Then what?

TREVOR

Forutnately I fainted, in my narcoleptic state; I disarmed the firing squad, slewBadfinger in single combat, liberated the country, impregnated Voluptua and swam back in time to design 6 signs.

DR

I have had it with you. You boring, time wasting, lying cretin.

SMACKS TREVOR OVER THE HEAD WITH HIS LAMP

TREVOR COLLAPSES TO THE FLOOR.

THEN STANDS UP SUDDENLY LOOKING SUAVE AND 007 LIKE.

TREVOR

Well Dr looks like the prescription is one can of whup ass, time for you to take your medicine.

I have to wonder, why would you set out to overwrite something? And is it really overwritten, or is is just unfocussed? Right now it reads like a jumbled mess of ideas from your notebook - some of which are admittedly funny (add on signs shows promise). It's almost impossible to detect a through line and I have no idea what that ending means.

Damn it all seemed so clear to me.

The idea was a guy who was so dull he lived an exiting if unconvincing life in his sleep.

Ending with him revealing his exiting life to be real.

In terms of over writing, I suppose it's because I'm brief to the point of being under written usually.

There are some very funny lines, and if I squint bit I can see I this working with a Marty Feldman type character. But it goes on way too long after the swerve.

I think I'm trying to push into other styles, I seem to crap out when I write over 2 pages.

For me, it is not so much that the standard of the writing tails off (though to be honest it does a bit), as that the structure of the sketch doesn't work. By having the inversion half way through, it makes it seem like two sketches glued together. I would suggest that if you are going to have a major inversion it needs either to be close to the start, so that it forms the basis of the sketch, or close to the end, to give you your way out (as you have done with the second inversion).

Quote: Timbo @ November 17 2008, 11:40 PM GMT

For me, it is not so much that the standard of the writing tails off (though to be honest it does a bit), as that the structure of the sketch doesn't work. By having the inversion half way through, it makes it seem like two sketches glued together. I would suggest that if you are going to have a major inversion it needs either to be close to the start, so that it forms the basis of the sketch, or close to the end, to give you your way out (as you have done with the second inversion).

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That's the eloquent version of what I was trying to say!

Quote: David Bussell @ November 17 2008, 4:32 PM GMT

I have to wonder, why would you set out to overwrite something? And is it really overwritten, or is is just unfocussed? Right now it reads like a jumbled mess of ideas from your notebook - some of which are admittedly funny (add on signs shows promise). It's almost impossible to detect a through line and I have no idea what that ending means.

View original

Dave you're ants at a picnic.

I liked it Sooty, it no doubt needs some cleaning up but it's funny.

That's all that matters right?

That and love? I have no idea where I'm going with this.

Good sketch