My First Sketch: The Policeman and the Burglar

A POLICEMAN WEARING OLD FASHIONED UNIFORM AND A BURGLAR WITH STRIPEY BLACK AND WHITE TOP AND BLACK MASK MEET IN A STREET.

POLICEMAN
Ello. Ello Ello What's all this then?

BURGLAR
Just out for an evening stroll.

POLICEMAN
Hold on a minute, what's in that bag? Its got SWAG written on it

BURGLAR
So it does. Well I wouldn't read too much into it officer. I needed a new bag and the only ones left at the bag shop were the ones with swag written on. Shop keeper said he was struggling to shift them.

POLICEMAN
It certainly looks suspicious

BURGLAR
I suppose it does. Oh well, best be off..

POLICEMAN
I'm afraid I'm going to have to search that bag. (He grabs the bag and finds a policeman's hat inside)

POLICEMAN
What's all this then? Planning to disguise yourself as an officer were you? Is that right? It's the oldest trick in the book!

BURGLAR
I can explain..

POLICEMAN
You are going to have to come with me. They can listen to your "explanation" at the station. (The burglar grabs the hat from the policeman and puts it on)

BURGLAR
But you have it all wrong. (he peels off his clothes to reveal a policeman uniform) I AM a police officer, and I was working undercover until you ruined my disguise.

POLICEMAN
I'm so sorry Sir. I didn't realise.

POLICEMAN 2
Now get lost before you cause anymore damage (The first policeman starts walking off, he is still holding the swag bag) Hold on just a minute. What's in that bag?

POLICEMAN
Oh this? It isn't mine. I seized it from a Burglar a few moments ago

POLICEMAN 2
A burglar eh? ((Policeman 2 starts to peel off policeman 1s clothes to reveal another burglar outfit)
What's all this then? I suppose you disguised yourself as an officer so you could nick a burglar, taking his swag for yourself? Is that right? It's the second oldest trick in the book.

BURGLAR 2
I can explain.. Hang on a minute.. (He notices something about POLICEMANS uniform. He starts to pull at POLICEMAN 2 uniform to reveal another burglar outfit)
What's this then? I suppose you disguised yourself as a police officer who had disguised himself as a burglar so you would have the perfect excuse if you were to be caught? Is that right? It's the 3rd oldest trick in the book! I'm going to have to ask you to come with me. The boys at the station will be very interested to hear about this..

BURGLAR 1:
But your not a real officer..

BURGLAR 2
Well that's where your wrong.. (He starts to pull at his clothes)

BURGLAR 1
No stop. Stop! I can't take much more of this.

BURGLAR 2
What the matter?

BURGLAR 1
It's all getting a little bit silly don't you think?

BURGLAR 2
Silly? It's just a common case of mistaken identidy. Happens all the time.

BURGLAR 1
Look lets just pretend we never met.. this whole situation is getting out of hand...I'll see you around (he picks up the swag bag and exits)

BURGLAR 2
(shouting after him) At least look at the next one..it's the best one (he starts to peel off his burglar clothes to reveal a dress then realises the bag has gone) Wait! Stop! Thief! (runs after him)

Good idea, but a bit too long.

Good idea in a pythonesque kind of way, but you need a stronger finish in my mind. How about the last two costume changes reveal that they are both suicide bombers and end the skectch with a bang?

Thanks for your comments - really appreciate them and it's very useful for me. I agree about the length - I have trimmed it down since I first posted it and I'm still trying to shorten it slightly further. I agree about the end too I want to try and make it stronger.. not sure about suicide bombers though as it's not really my style but thanks for the suggestion. Any other ideas/suggestions/critiques? I am very new to this so still getting the hang of it, learning as I go etc!

If it's your first sketch it's an impressive start.

That said it could do with a stronger finish, and where as I wouldn't make it shorter I'd give the dialogue more character.

Otherwise a very strong start.

Changed the end. Don't know if it's strong enough yet, but I prefer it.

I could for the final line being a costume, a judge or women distress maybe?

Thanks for ideas! I just changed the end again. Think that's how I'll keep it!

That sketch could be shortened and still be as funny..

Policeman approaches Burglar. Discussion between them. Policeman takes swag bag as 'evidence'. Round the corner he removes his outfit revealing himself to be a burglar. The burglar comes round the corner and reveals himself as a policeman. Arrest takes place.

Same idea shortened all up But you could literally go anywhere with a sketch like this! Nice work matey.

Almost perfect but you don't need that explaining line.

I'm a great believe in the less explanation the better.

Nice and silly but I think Tom got it right with his shortened version.

Really good idea, suppose it could be condensed but funny and quite like the dialogue too

Quote: sootyj @ November 16 2008, 4:41 PM GMT

Almost perfect but you don't need that explaining line.

I'm a great believe in the less explanation the better.

View original

And the same with punctuation and spelling correctly.

Perhaps a bit overlong, but then it's often the case that things look long on paper and not on the screen.

I thought it was a good idea. And welcome to the board. It's nice to see female writers on here. It's so terribly macho in here.

Quote: Ben @ November 17 2008, 9:59 AM GMT

It's so terribly macho in here.

View original

I'll punch your face!