Fear Sketch

TIM AND DAN ARE ON THE BUS. THEY ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER.

Dan: So I said to her, Ellie, you better do this for me, or you can bloody well find somewhere else to live.

Tim: Don't you think that's a bit harsh Dan? I mean at the end of the day, she is only 7.

Dan: No! You have to be strict Tim. Otherwise, that little girl you once knew and loved, is married to a gypsy and expecting her third child at the age of 15.

Tim: (CONFUSED LOOK) Oh right... anyway, did she do it?

Dan: Of course she did. And abara cadabara, she's cured.

Tim: Really?

Dan: Yeah, I told her "If you don't face your fears you'll never be able to have a bleeding life!" And it was getting ridiculous you know, she wasn't sleeping.

Tim: Is that right is it Dan?

Dan: Oh yeah. Every night it would be the same, "Don't let the spiders get me!"
Bloody pathetic it was!

Tim: Well, she is only a kid Dan, you do have to be more... considerate.

Dan: Not anymore I don't.

Tim: What do you mean?

Dan: It must have been about 3 am, right?

Tim: Yeah.

Dan: And I sneaked into her room with a bucket full of spiders. Poured them all over her didn't I?

Tim: Oh (BEAT) my (BEAT) god! Is she alright?!

Dan: Alright? She's better than ever! She hasn't complained once in the last couple of days! She'll thank me one day.

Tim: You reckon do you?

Dan: Definitely. And you know what, all this 'fear curing' has made me wonder what other fears I could cure.

Tim: Really?

Dan: Oh yeah. Tim, tell me, what fear have most people on this bus got?

Tim: Spiders. Jesus Christ! Don't tell me you've got a bucket full of spiders?

Dan: No, it's not spiders.

Tim: What is it then? Snakes? It's bleeding snakes isn't it?

Dan: No. Terrorism.

Tim: Oh well I suppose your right yeah...

Dan: (STANDS UP) I've got a f**king bomb!

ALL THE PASSENGERS START SCREAMING AND RUNNING.

Tim: What the bloody hell are you doing?

Dan: Providing a service. (SMILES)

I like it. I feel you could shorten the lead in a bit by going straight to talking about aversion therapy or something (i.e. the first 8 lines don't really add anything). Good idea though.

Yeah, I see what your saying about the first eight lines. I'll work on that. Cheers for the feedback Marc.

I concur damn good idea, but lead in is a bit slow.

It's strong enough not to need that.

Is the opening of this any better? I've tried to talk about Aversion Therapy from the start, like advised. Cheers in advance.

TIM AND DAN ARE ON THE BUS. DAN HAS A BOOK ON 'AVERSION THERAPY'.

Tim: What's the book about Dan?

Dan: Aversion Therapy.

Tim: Oh right. Any good?

Dan: Any good? Fantastic it is! I'm actually using this therapy on our Ellie.

Tim: Why? What's she scared of?

Dan: Spiders (BEAT) I know, it's silly. She needs to grow up!

Tim: How bad is the fear? Is she petrified of spiders like?

Dan: Oh yeah. Every night it's the same, "Don't let the spiders get me Daddy!"
Bloody pathetic it is!

Tim: Well, she is only a kid Dan, you do have to be more... considerate.

Dan: Not anymore I don't.

Tim: What do you mean?

Dan: It must have been about 3 am, right?

Tim: Yeah.

Dan: And I sneaked into her room with a bucket full of spiders. Poured them all over her didn't I?

Tim: Oh (BEAT) my (BEAT) god! Is she alright?!

Dan: Alright? She's better than ever! She hasn't complained once in the last couple of days! She'll thank me one day.

Tim: You reckon do you?

Dan: Definitely. And you know what, all this 'fear curing' has made me wonder what other fears I could cure.

Tim: Really?

Dan: Oh yeah. Tim, tell me, what fear have most people on this bus got?

Tim: Spiders. Jesus Christ! Don't tell me you've got a bucket full of spiders?

Dan: No, it's not spiders.

Tim: What is it then? Snakes? It's bleeding snakes isn't it?

Dan: No. Terrorism.

Tim: Oh well I suppose your right yeah...

Dan: (STANDS UP) I've got a f**king bomb!

ALL THE PASSENGERS START SCREAMING AND RUNNING.

Tim: What the bloody hell are you doing?

Dan: Providing a service. (SMILES)

It still seems slightly long for only having a couple of jokes in. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's not funny enough, but I think you need to get in, make the jokes and get out quick. I can't remember who said it but they said you should start a scene as late as possible and end it as early as possible and that seems to be good advice...to me at least.

I reckon you could cut it to:

TIM AND DAN ARE ON THE BUS. DAN HAS A BOOK ON 'AVERSION THERAPY'.

Tim: Aversion Therapy?

Dan: Yeah. Every night it's the same, "Don't let the spiders get me Daddy!"
Bloody pathetic it is!

Tim: Well, she is only a kid Dan, you do have to be more... considerate.

Dan: Not anymore I don't I sneaked into her room with a bucket full of spiders. Poured them all over her didn't I?

As a general rule, you can probably lose lines such as "Really?", "I suppose you're right", "You reckon do you?" and so on without losing the meaning of the sketch.

Having said all that, "providing a service" is a fantastic punchline IMHO.

That is one area I have to improve, I always use 'really', 'well' and 'so' etc a bit too much. Cheers for feedback Marc. So would this be better?

TIM AND DAN ARE ON THE BUS. DAN HAS A BOOK ON 'AVERSION THERAPY'.

Tim: Aversion Therapy?

Dan: Yeah. Every night it's the same, "Don't let the spiders get me Daddy!"
Bloody pathetic it is!

Tim: She is only a kid Dan, you do have to be more... considerate.

Dan: Not anymore I don't, I sneaked into her room with a bucket full of spiders. Poured them all over her didn't I?

Tim: Oh (BEAT) my (BEAT) god! Is she alright?!

Dan: Alright? She's better than ever! She hasn't complained once in the last couple of days! She'll thank me one day.

Tim: If you say so Dan.

Dan: She will! And you know what, all this 'fear curing' has made me wonder what other fears I could cure.

Tim: What do you mean?

Dan: Tim, tell me, what fear have most people on this bus got?

Tim: Spiders. Jesus Christ! Don't tell me you've got a bucket full of spiders?

Dan: No, it's not spiders.

Tim: What is it then? Snakes? It's bleeding snakes isn't it?

Dan: No. Terrorism.

Tim: I suppose your right yeah...

Dan: (STANDS UP) I've got a f**king bomb!

ALL THE PASSENGERS START SCREAMING AND RUNNING.

Tim: What the bloody hell are you doing?

Dan: Providing a service. (SMILES)

To me, that reads a lot better. And as it's half the length with exactly the same stuff in it, you've got a better chance of it getting performed somewhere.

I have a similar problem with being wordy. I reckon I'm pretty good at cutting lines which don't need to be in my sketches but not so good at cutting individual words which don't need to be in the lines which remain!

"I can't remember who said it but they said you should start a scene as late as possible and end it as early as possible."

By the way, I love that advice. I reckon that will help me. Cheers.

I liked the original, but agree the third edit is much sharper. Good one.

Cheers Timbo.

Maybe just me, but I expect I'd enjoy it more if there was a way that the "I've got a BOMB!" line came without the prior explanation that the people on the bus are scared of terrorism. Maybe the conversation drifts to an unrelated topic before Dan jumps up. Let the audience work it out for themselves? Just a thought.

Maybe just:

Tim: What is it then? Snakes? It's bleeding snakes isn't it?

DAN SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SMILES.

Dan: (STANDS UP) I've got a f**king bomb!

Timbo's suggestion above would work a lot better.

Quote: Afinkawan @ November 6 2008, 1:05 PM GMT

Having said all that, "providing a service" is a fantastic punchline IMHO.

View original

That's the weakest part of the sketch for me. The sketch should end where he stands up and shouts "I've got a bomb!", with his mate's horrified reaction.

Quote: Timbo @ November 7 2008, 10:40 PM GMT

Maybe just:

Tim: What is it then? Snakes? It's bleeding snakes isn't it?

DAN SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SMILES.

Dan: (STANDS UP) I've got a f**king bomb!

View original

Sorry Timbo - didn't read your (very sensible) post.