Soulmates

This has been sat around in my skits folder for a while. I've just polished it up a bit and would value any opinions. Not sure if it's a bit long reading it again. Cheers guys.

1. INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT.

A YOUNG WOMAN (JAYNE) IS IN BED READING A CRAPPY GIRL'S MAG. HER BOYFRIEND (TIM) GETS INTO BED NEXT TO HER AND KISSES HER ON THE CHEEK.

TIM:
Love you, gorgeous.

JAYNE SMILES UNCOMFORTABLY.

TIM REACHES DOWN BENEATH THE DUVET FOR A SLY FEEL BUT JAYNE PUSHES HIM AWAY.

JAYNE:
No! Not tonight, Tim.

TIM:
Why? What's up?

JAYNE:
I dunno. It's just…

TIM:
What?

JAYNE:
I just…I just think we should be arguing more, that's all.

TIM:
You what? But we never argue love. We're soulmates.

JAYNE:
I know, and it's not bloody natural! All me mates are battling with their blokes 24 / 7. I'm starting to feel left out having such a shitty perfect relationship. I've nowt to talk about with them. It's embarrassing.

TIM:
(CONFUSED) Right. Well. What do you suggest?

JAYNE:
(SHOWING MAGAZINE) Well it says here that conflict in a relationship can actually be a good thing, and can even put the spark back into the bedroom. Let's try it, please? Just once, to see what it's like. (COYLY) Might get me in the mood…

TIM:
Well okay, if it'll make you happy…

JAYNE:
It will, I promise. Go on, you start first.

TIM:
Well…erm…God this is hard…okay, well yesterday you dyed my white shirt in the wash.

JAYNE:
Oh. Did I?

TIM:
Yeah. It's gone a sort of manky yellow colour.

JAYNE:
Right. It'll go with your f**king teeth then, won't it?

TIM IS HORRIFIED.

TIM:
What?!

JAYNE:
Oh sorry, was that a bit strong?

TIM:
It was slightly, yeah!

A SHORT AWKWARD SILENCE.

TIM:
So did it turn you on?

JAYNE:
Not really. You?

TIM:
No. Mind you, your tits don't help.

JAYNE:
Excuse me?

TIM:
Well look at them. Hanging down like roofer's nailbags. And what's with your saggy arse these days? What's it doing, migrating South for winter?

JAYNE:
You cheeky bastard! At least I've got something in my pants!

TIM:
What's that supposed to mean?

JAYNE:
Oh come on Tim. Everyone knows you could lose your knob in a patch of goosepimples.

TIM:
(AGHAST) Bitch!

JAYNE:
Bastard!

THEY BOTH GLOWER AT EACH OTHER FURIOUSLY.
ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS, AND THEY SUDDENLY LAUNCH THEMSELVES AT ONE ANOTHER, A PASSIONATE TANGLE OF ARMS AND LEGS AND TONGUES.

THE CAMERA MOVES UPWARDS TOWARDS INTO A ROTATING GLITTER BALL ON THE CEILING.

JAYNE: (OOV)
(BETWEEN SNOGS) Pee Wee!

TIM:
(GASPING PASSIONATELY) Slag!

END SKETCH

Lee, 'skits folder' indeed. That was your diary. Admit it.

Quote: Marc P @ November 5 2008, 2:56 PM GMT

Lee, 'skits folder' indeed. That was your diary. Admit it.

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Dang. Rumbled.

I think it's a bit long and the exposition is very long.

Also the dialogue isn't hugely funny and the punch line predictable.

Didn't rock my world sorry.

Quote: sootyj @ November 5 2008, 3:24 PM GMT

I think it's a bit long and the exposition is very long.

Also the dialogue isn't hugely funny and the punch line predictable.

Didn't rock my world sorry.

View original

Mmm I think the only way to cut down on the exposition is to lose the bit where Jayne talks about her mates all arguing. Otherwise there's no set-up.

I think the dialogue's funny but it'd depend on the performance. The actors would really have to go for it argument-wise.

It is overly-long though.

The dialogue I think suffers from being to true to life.

Quote: sootyj @ November 5 2008, 3:33 PM GMT

The dialogue I think suffers from being to true to life.

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Yeah can't really say I agree there.

'Roofer's nailbags' was funny.

I liked the bits where they were giving each other abuse. It made me laugh and that section was structured very well.

I think the intro needs trimming a bit though. It took some time to get to the laughs.

Quote: Winterlight @ November 5 2008, 3:42 PM GMT

I liked the bits where they were giving each other abuse. It made me laugh and that section was structured very well.

I think the intro needs trimming a bit though. It took some time to get to the laughs.

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My thoughts exactly. Ta for that.

Hey Lee, what about he gets really carried away and gives her a good punch to the mouth? Maybe he knocks her out and as she lies there, unconscious, he thinks "why not?" and gets down to it?

Or have I gone too far?

Maybe it would be okay if it was the other way round? You know, fine line between sexy and sexist, genius and stupid and all that...

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ November 5 2008, 4:20 PM GMT

Hey Lee, what about he gets really carried away and gives her a good punch to the mouth? Maybe he knocks her out and as she lies there, unconscious, he thinks "why not?" and gets down to it?

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I don't think it would appropriate to start dancing.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ November 5 2008, 4:20 PM GMT

Hey Lee, what about he gets really carried away and gives her a good punch to the mouth? Maybe he knocks her out and as she lies there, unconscious, he thinks "why not?" and gets down to it?

Or have I gone too far?

Maybe it would be okay if it was the other way round? You know, fine line between sexy and sexist, genius and stupid and all that...

View original

What's the issue? It's a functional sketch, that's not really offensive.

Quote: Lee Henman @ November 5 2008, 4:51 PM GMT

How's this? I've chopped it down a bit.

1. INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT.

A YOUNG WOMAN (JAYNE) IS IN BED READING A CRAPPY GIRL'S MAG. HER BOYFRIEND (TIM) GETS INTO BED NEXT TO HER AND KISSES HER ON THE CHEEK.

TIM:
Love you, gorgeous.

JAYNE SMILES UNCOMFORTABLY.

TIM REACHES DOWN BENEATH THE DUVET FOR A SLY FEEL BUT JAYNE PUSHES HIM AWAY.

JAYNE:
No! Not tonight, Tim.

TIM:
Why? What's up?

JAYNE:
I dunno. It's just…

TIM:
What?

JAYNE:
I just…I just think we should be arguing more, that's all.

TIM:
You what? But we never argue love. We're soulmates.

JAYNE:
I know, and it's not bloody natural!(SHOWING MAGAZINE) Look, it says here that conflict in a relationship can actually be a good thing, Let's try it, please? Just once, to see what it's like. (COYLY) Might get me in the mood…

TIM:
Well okay, if it'll make you happy…erm…God this is hard…okay, well yesterday you dyed my white shirt in the wash.

JAYNE:
Oh. Did I?

TIM:
Yeah. It's gone a sort of manky yellow colour.

JAYNE:
Right. It'll go with your f**king teeth then, won't it?

TIM IS HORRIFIED.

TIM:
What?!

JAYNE:
Oh sorry, was that a bit strong?

TIM:
It was slightly, yeah!

A SHORT AWKWARD SILENCE.

TIM:
So did it turn you on?

JAYNE:
Not really. You?

TIM:
No. Mind you, your tits don't help.

JAYNE:
Excuse me?

TIM:
Well look at them. Hanging down like roofer's nailbags. And what's with your saggy arse these days? What's it doing, migrating South for winter?

JAYNE:
You cheeky bastard! At least I've got something in my pants!

TIM:
What's that supposed to mean?

JAYNE:
Oh come on Tim. Everyone knows you could lose your knob in a patch of goosepimples.

TIM:
(AGHAST) Bitch!

JAYNE:
Bastard!

THEY BOTH GLOWER AT EACH OTHER FURIOUSLY.
ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS, AND THEY SUDDENLY LAUNCH THEMSELVES AT ONE ANOTHER, A PASSIONATE TANGLE OF ARMS AND LEGS AND TONGUES.

THE CAMERA MOVES UPWARDS TOWARDS INTO A ROTATING GLITTER BALL ON THE CEILING.

JAYNE: (OOV)
(BETWEEN SNOGS) Pee Wee!

TIM:
(GASPING PASSIONATELY) Slag!

END SKETCH

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I timed it, it's about a minute and a half.

Quote: Lee Henman @ November 5 2008, 4:56 PM GMT

I timed it, it's about a minute and a half.

View original

The lovemaking?