Papal Bull

PAPAL BULL: Chris McGuire

V/O: (Newscaster Style)
2 am the Vatican City October 16th 1978. A new Pope has just been elected in the Vatican- the only thing left to be decided is what name the Pontiff shall take in office.

Cardinal OOV:
This is intolerable, why must I be woken at this hour? You better have a good explanation for this Father Cooper!

THE CARDINAL AND FATHER COOPER HURRY IN THE SCENE. THE CARDINAL IS CARRYING A BRIEFCASE:

Father Cooper:
I'm sorry your Excellency but, but I can not… well… I don't think this is a job for me.

Cardinal: (Annoyed)
This better be good Cooper or I'll have you…

THE POPE WALKS IN:

Pope:
Gentlemen…

Cardinal: (Flustered)
Over for lunch at my place…oh hello your holiness I hadn't noticed you there.

Pope:
What are you doing up at this hour Cardinal? Not at the Altar wine again are we…

Cardinal: (Even more flustered)
That was never proved, Altar boys making up lies…
Again…

THE CARDINAL PUTS THE BRIEFCASE DOWN ON THE TABLE AND BEGINS TO RUMMAGE THROUGH IT.

Father Cooper:
The reason your Holiness that the Cardinal is down here is that I was a little, actually more than a little concerned over your choice of name for your period in office…

Pope:
I can't understand why you're concerned Father, it seems like a perfectly reasonable name to me…

Cardinal:
Exactly Father Cooper, you're wasting both my time and more importantly the Holy Father's time!

Father Cooper:
But…

THE CARDINAL PICKS UP HIS BRIEFCASE AND GOES TO LEAVE, HE STOPS AND HESITATES.

Cardinal:
Just out of interest your Holiness; what name are you planning to choose for the investiture tomorrow.

Pope:
Something quite traditional, Pope John Paul…

THE CARDINAL WALKS AWAY.

Pope:
George, Ringo…

THE CARDINAL DROPS HIS CASE IT OPENS AND SCATTERS PAPERS ON THE FLOOR. HE SCURRIES ON THE FLOOR TO PICK THEM UP.

Pope:
Are you alright Cardinal?

Cardinal:
Can you say that again your Holiness?

Pope:
Pope John, Paul, George, Ringo.
Father Cooper Exasperated)
See!

Cardinal:
Quiet Cooper!
But you can't be named after The Beatles!

Pope:
Does it say anything about not being named after the Beatles in any of the rules Cardinal?

Cardinal:
Well no…but.

Pope:
I can see that you're more of a Stones man yourself and that's fine, I can't say that I didn't consider it, but I thought it would have been a bit of a mouth full!

Cardinal:
That's not what I…

Pope:
I mean Pope Mick, Keith, Bill doesn't really have that same ring to it and then which line up do you go for, are Ronnie and Brian in there? I thought no! The Beatles is simpler. People will remember my name and that's important isn't it? Get the Church out there with the young people…

Cardinal: (Under his breath)
Members of the Church interacting with young people is where half our problems start…

Pope:
What's that?

Cardinal:
Nothing your holiness!
But you can't take a name from an already famous person!

Pope:
Are you saying I'm wrong? The Pope… is wrong?

Cardinal: (Flustered)
That's not what I'm saying at all… all I'm saying is that if you wanted a famous name why didn't you just call yourself…oh I don't know…
…The Queen of England?

Pope:
Far too many Queens in the Church as it is matey- and don't you think it would be more than a little awkward on state visits to the UK?

Cardinal:
But The Beatles?

Pope:
Why can't I be named after a famous Pope star? Cooper here is!

Cardinal:
What?

Pope:
Father Alice, Cooper! If it's alright for him why not me?

Cardinal:
What's this Cooper?

Father Cooper: (Embarrassed)
But that is my name Alice Cooper! I was born Alice Cooper- I never changed it! I changed my sex - but not my name.

Cardinal and Pope: (Shocked)
Ohhh!

THEY BOTH STEP BACK FROM COOPER. THEY BUNCH TOGETHER- DISGUSTED.

Pope: (SHOCKED)
Ah, this is awkward Cooper. When I thought you'd changed your name as a tribute to a group of Devil Worshipping hell raisers I thought that was fine, but now to find out you used to be
…A WOMAN!
Well there isn't a place for that type of thing in the Catholic Church. Straight to Hell for you my boy- off you go young lady!
Father Cooper:
But…

Pope:
None of that! Off to Hell you go…

FATHER COOPER SLINKS OUT.

Cardinal:
And if I find you've left any bras or knickers or suchlike in the Vatican- I will find them and… well I'll have to confiscate them…
Disgusting.

Pope:
Back to the matter in hand.

Cardinal:
Ah yes. Your holiness. I beg of you, call yourself anything, anything you like, but not The Beatles! It gives totally the wrong impression.

Pope:
Anything you say?

THE TWO MEN WALK OUT OF SHOT DEEP IN CONVERSATION.

V/O NEWSCASTER:
And so a new Papal term begins and out onto the Balcony comes the new leader of the Catholic Church, God's supreme representative on earth His Holiness Playboy Magazine the First and he's about to lead the crowd in a tradition from his native Poland it's amazing to see St Peters Square filled with people Pole Dancing. Brings a tear to your eye…

That's not too bad but I think there's too much in there. The stuff about drinking and touching kids and having a sex change just clutters it unnecessarily. Particularly the booze and kids - it's a bit overdone as a joke on the church.

I think you probably need to cut a fair amount of the other lines out too, only keep in lines that really REALLY need to be there and then I think you'd have quite a nice little sketch.

I agree great ideas but a bit crowded.

Pace is vital anything that slows the funny must go.

Agree with Afinkawan. Trim this down a manageable length and stay focussed on the central idea, and you have the makings of a very decent sketch.

I liked it I'm not a writer or anything, I just like a giggle and this certainly gave me a few