Axe: Chris McGuire
Interior:
An old fashioned shop. Filled with cupboards stuffed with hardware items. Behind the counter is one man dressed in a brown coat. The bell rings and a man enters shot.
Man behind Counter:
Ah...
Customer:
Oh hello... I wasn't sure if I've got the right place?
Man behind Counter:
Well that depends sir, on what you're looking for?
Customer:
Well that's where it gets a bit awkward.
Man behind Counter:
Don't be shy – we're used to strange requests in here... you'll have to go a long way to surprise us...
Customer:
Ok- that's good to know.
Ok....
He looks around him to make sure they're alone.
Customer:
The thing is I'm a Serial Killer...
Man behind the Counter:
Well you're definitely in the right place we specialise in, shall we say the tools of the trade of the psychopathic world... How can I help you sir- you obviously have a bit of time to kill?
The Customer chuckles to himself as does the Man behind the counter.
Man behind the Counter:
A little trade joke their sir...
Customer:
Very funny. You're a funny fellow.
Man behind the Counter:
Thank you.
Customer:
I've killed a few jokers.
Man behind the Counter: (Laughing)
So how can I help you today? We've got a special offer on Quicklime perfect for getting rid of that bothersome body...
Customer:
Tempting but... no.
Traditionally I've been a strangler...
He jokingly strangles the man behind the counter.
Man behind the Counter:
Lovely, lovely action there.
Customer:
Thanks. But I don't know I just think I need a bit of a change.
Man behind the Counter:
Why not...?
Customer:
I mean it plays havoc on the forearms and well none of us are getting any younger...
I was thinking I might become an axe murderer instead.
Man behind Counter:
Axe you say- lovely. Well you've come to the right place.
Customer:
I've been practicing my limp and I think I could pull it off.
Man behind the counter begins to rummage around under the counter and then places on the counter various axes of different sizes.
Man behind Counter:
Any of these take your fancy?
The Customer ponders them for a moment, stroking his chin.
Customer:
I like this one... any chance I can try one out?
Man behind the Counter:
Oh course!
Ethel!
An old woman walks into the shop from the back door- she is also dressed in a shopkeeper's overcoat.
Ethel:
Hello deary. How lovely to meet you, I like customers, I'm only one day away from retirement you know!
Man behind the Counter:
This Gentleman here wants to test out one of the new 230's
Ethel:
230's eh? A lovely choice...
Ethel turns around to reveal on the back of her coat is a bullseye style target.
Ethel:
Give me a moment whilst I turn my back on you for no good reason...
The Man behind the counter nods at Ethel and winks to the Customer. The Customer looks confused and shrugs. The man behind the counter is encouraging... he nods again. The Customer shrugs and with an exaggerated action plungs the axe into Ethel's back. With a scream she falls out of shot.
Man behind the Counter:
Nice action eh? Good weight on it...
Customer: (Frowning)
I'm not convinced...
Man behind the Counter:
Fair enough...
The man behind the counter steps over Ethel one the floor and grabs another axe from the shelf behind him.
Man behind the Counter:
Sorry Ethel... always getting under my feet that one!
The Man behind the counter hands the axe to the customer and calls into the back room.
Man behind the Counter: (Coyly)
Oh Brian!
Brian walks into shot wiping his hands on a rag. He looks down to where Ethel is lying on the ground.
Brian:
Ethel sleeping on the job again eh?
Man behind the Counter:
Could you get one of those packages down from one of those high shelves for me?
Brian turns around to reach up onto the shelf revealing a target on his back. The Customer lungs at him axing him in the back- he falls out of shot.
Man behind the Counter:
No foreplay?
Customer:
I'm in a bit of hurry- lunch break.
Still not right.
Man behind the Counter:
Well I don't have anyone else to test them out on until Charlie gets back from his lunch. Can you wait ten minutes?
Customer:
Ok... couldn't I?
Man behind the counter: (Grinning)
On me? Cheeky.
If he's not back in 10 I'll think about it....
Customer:
Can't blame a guy for asking...
Man behind the Counter:
Fair enough. Fancy a cup of tea whilst you wait?
The Man behind the counter produces 2 mugs of tea...
Customer:
Go on then. Don't mind if I do...
The Customer takes a big swig of the tea and grins.
Customer:
You in the business yourself?
Man behind the Counter:
The Murdering business? Oh yeah...
Customer:
What's your thing? Shootings? Stabbings?
The Customer takes another swig.
Man behind the Counter:
It's all a bit passé if you ask me...
Customer:
What do you do then?
Man behind the Counter:
Poisoning....
The customer grabs his own throat and begins to writhe and choke.
Customer:
Bugger.