How pop music works.

This is the first draft of an idea I've been kicking about for ages, kinda gives ya an idea of how my brain works.

Scene opens in the top floor office of the world famous record company boss Casper Van Horn. Casper is sat behind a huge desk, thrashing out the details of a multimillion pound record deal with soon to be teen pop sensation boy band "Boy Love". Boy Love have the looks that can turn a 14 year old girls heart to mush in 3.4 seconds, Casper can turn that mush into record sales.

Casper: Welcome to Cash Cow Records guys, you have a great future ahead of you. Take that, Westlife, Boyzone...what they achieved will be a nothing compared to you. With your looks and my know how...we're going to be very...very rich men.

Member of Boy Love: Aren't you very very rich already Mr Van Horn?

Casper: Well yes, but I'm not very very very rich. My wife reminds me every day.

Another Member of Boy Love: That's great Mr Van Horn, but there's a problem. None of us can sing.

Casper: Ha ha ha..ha ha...boys boys boys. Don't worry yourselves with such minor details.

The scene swoops down a cross section of the building from Van Horns office to a laboratory below the basement. The scene commences in a long white futuristic looking corridor. With numbered doors lining each side. Footsteps can be heard in the distance. The footsteps are coming from two thin gentlemen. Scientists in floor length white lab coats, very pale skin and huge circular glasses disguising their eyes.

They walk at pace along the corridor in total silence. They reach their destination, Room 7G. The scientists peer at a small video screen and converse in astute german accents.

Scientist A: Analysis indicates ze subject iz ready for processing.

Scientist B: Affirmative. Cluster 5 were processed at 1400 and more yield has been requested from upstairs.

Scientist A: Let us proceed.

Scientist A looks at a semi circular orb above the door.

Scientist A: We require entry to process the specimen.

The door slides open quickly. The scientists slink into a large white panelled room with a bed in the middle. Upon the bed is an severely obese man weighing approximately 40-50 stone drinking with macabre relish from a tube suspended from the ceiling. Covered from the waist down in a surgical blanket sodden with sweat in some cynical attempt to maintain the subjects dignity. His bulging face riddled with sweat and spots, dark rings under his eyes and some kind of gelatinous goo covers his chin and neck.

Scientist A arches an eyebrow as he looms over the subject.

Scientist A: You know what is required of you.

Scientist B (addressing A): One would think they would be more co-operative by now.

Scientist A (addressing the subject): Ze sooner you comply, ze sooner you will feed.

The subject whimpers in a consilatory fashion. Another tube quickly descends from the ceiling, shooting a jet of water into the subjects face. Cleaning his face and throat. Electronic whirs eminate from the bed as a microphone appears before the subject and headphones are placed on his bulbous shaved head.

Scientist A: Commence Extraction.

Music starts to play, the subject begins to sing, pitch perfect.

Subject:...Everybodys looking for that something. One thing that makes it all complete...

(For those who are privileged to not know, the subject is singing "Flying Without Wings" by Westlife)

Subject: You find it in the strangest places. Places you never knew it could be...

Cut to another subject in similar conditions, singing the next verse[/ii]

[i]The singing continues and 2 more subjects join the original 2 to sing the chorus, dividing the screen into 4 quarters. The scene then cuts to reveal "Boy Love" watching the whole affair on a small monitor.

Member of Boy Love: Wow Mr Van Horn, that's really very clever.

Casper: I didn't get to where I am today dealing with talented artists guys. Too much hassle, artistic integrity...pffft.

Member of Boy Love: But what about the subjects, isn't it a bit unfair?

Casper: They had their chance...it just doesn't fly...not long term anyway.

Member of Boy Love: Their chance?

Capser: Two words...Rick Waller.

Boy Love (All Together): Ooooooh.

Lol that good huh?

It's not the easiest read. It's way long for starters. Also, you've opened with background description (an absolute no-no for sketch writing), filled it with great chunks of prose writing, populated it with characters without names and ended it with a punchline I don't understand. I'd have to Google Rick Waller to know who or what he is.

Aye I get ya, the problem is it's an enormously visual idea, so I have to be pretty verbose to get the idea across.

I want to use rich imagery to get people to forget the initial exchange between the boss and the boy band, so when you get the subjects singing it all comes back to you and mirth is generated.

I think the length is highly subjective as I've seen sketch shows (particularly Monkey Dust) with long drawn out sequences to establish the scene. I think when translated to a visual medium it would go a lot quicker than it does reading it.

The Rick Waller thing (a really fat singer) is something that I bolted onto the end, the main thing is the monstrosities singing pitch perfect. The alternative I thought was to scrap the initial exchange and build it into the subsequent reveal.

I appreciate that it's a visual sketch but still your description is overwhelming. This paragraph for instance:

"The door slides open quickly. The scientists slink into a large white panelled room with a bed in the middle. Upon the bed is an severely obese man weighing approximately 40-50 stone drinking with macabre relish from a tube suspended from the ceiling. Covered from the waist down in a surgical blanket sodden with sweat in some cynical attempt to maintain the subjects dignity. His bulging face riddled with sweat and spots, dark rings under his eyes and some kind of gelatinous goo covers his chin and neck."

Could easily be shortened to half the length and still maintain its impact:

"The door slides open and the scientists enter a large white room with a bed in the middle. Upon it is a morbidly obese man wearing only a sweat-sodden blanket. His face is dotted with spots and goo covers his chin and neck. He glugs from a tube suspended from the ceiling."

Script writing is about economy of words. The less ink on the page the better in most cases. Written in script form with large margins and double spacing your script would total maybe 5-8 pages. A sketch that long had better be damned funny.

Aye fair point. At least I overwhelmed

Thinking about it, I think it works to take out the initial bit and go straight into the lab. But I'm not 100% sure the length is that much of an issue. I've seen plenty of sketches of sizeable length, taking the time to build an idea in the viewers mind, play up to stereotypes they know and feel comfortable with so they start watching it in a certain way. Then you add the absurdity.

I think it really depends who you're aiming it at.

All that aside I do like the idea of going to that length to get a laugh There is something inherently funny in going that far, the best example I can think of is when Python did the Black Eagle intro...they had a dead pan historical drama intro last well over 2 minutes before doing "and now for something completely different".

Well, yes, but that's Python. Similarly, Sealab 2021 did an entire episode with no jokes because a comedy with no gags was the most unexpected (and therefore funny) thing they could think of.

My point is, as a fledgling writer, the chance of you selling a five page plus sketch with no laughs is infinitesimally small. But then maybe you're not interested in doing this for a living. In which case, write what you want and don't pay me a blind bit of notice.

Yeah you're right, keep idea in my noodle for now. I'm not fussed about a career but at the same time I'd like to be noticed

p.s. That episode did have one joke right at the very end when Sealab explodes and Murphy just goes...."hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...ok". Bloody love that show.

That Sealab episode reminded me of the Fast Show sketch, on one of the show's Xmas specials, in which Paul Whitehouse's "I'll nick anything" character broke into a family's house, to steal the presents from under their tree, before he had a change of heart, and looked into the camera, saying "Merry Christmas everyone".

It's over written and over complex and lacking gags.

You took about 2 pages to say musical companies extract songs from ugly people and then get good looking people to sing them.

There's few funny lines and the descriptions don't exactly inspire a smile.

Also Rik Waller, jeez that's a very dated reference.

Sorry but it didn't rock my world. The central idea is as old as Cyrano de Bergerace.

Fair enough.

And the Rick Waller thing is a dated reference...thats kinda the point

Recognition is vital for comedy.

Quote: sootyj @ October 23 2008, 7:35 PM BST

Recognition is vital for comedy.

View original

I'd say a fair wedge of people know who Rick Waller is.

Bussell didn't and he knows the 28 secrets that run the world.

Well that's 1 person out of the 4 people who've looked at it who didn't know him, so it's doing ok

I do think it would work, but probably not in a sketch environment.