INT: INSIDE A CONRAN DESIGNED BED-SIT
RANDOLF:
I can't take all this unrealistic scrutiny anymore...the mass of cameras...the lack of personel space...the constantly empty fridge...the never ending monotony...I can't take it any more I tell you...god damn you reality TV.
MONTGOMERY:
What are you banging on about...and stop Blaspheming...it's against "Big Eye Candy" rules...any relegious talk is controversial and can cause many unpopularity ripples surfacing amongst the watching public...therefore effecting you votes in the highly demoralizing challenge...on Friday nights live eviction.
RANDOLF:
I couldn't care less about my popularity...my personality is disappearing faster than a F1 car inside this useless...yet highly trendy and well designed studio...it's driving me insane already...I could'nt care any less about any inane voting.
MONTGOMERY:
It's been two hours and twenty eight minutes Randolf.
RANDOLF:
What...is that all its been...it seems like an eternity.
MONTGOMERY:
Exactly...what mental state are you gonna be in after eighteen months.
RANDOLF:
What...18 months.
MONTGOMERY:
Yes...that's how long it takes the average audience to become attached to reality stars nowadays...and even then you're not guaranteed any obscure random scenes on the "Friday Night Project" let alone get invited to chat on any mid morning chat show...the sudden meteoric rise to instant fame's all changed since Jade Goody's sporadic outbursts on last seasons 'Z' celeb special.
RANDOLF:
What if i get an agent when I leave...surely he can sort out a few little magazine deals and the odd personel apperance...before i'm really appreciated.
MONTGOMERY:
What...you mean you haven't already been approached by an agent...it would'nt have mattered any way...we're all branded now thanks to Goody.
RANDOLF:
What if I start adopting a surreal personality...act all eccentric...start randomly screaming and shouting for no apparent ryme or reason...will my profile then be more acceptable to the British public...and attract a high profiled agent's attention...who'll groom me for international success.
MONTGOMERY:
No Not really... "Big Eye Candy" has become no longer an interesting experiment.
RANDOLF:
Well if I aint getting work from just being inside this dump...I may as well start auditioning while i'm held captive...give a few examples of my real talent.
MONTGOMERY:
You can't
RANDOLF:
Why not.
MONTGOMERY:
Try reading the manual...it's against "Big Eye Candy" rules...the highly informative and legally binding manual states...that under absolutely no circumstances whatsoever should any randomly chosen contestant start flaunting themselves in a manner that could lead to any outside employment...if they do they shall be immediately evicted and must go to "Butlins" for two years...or tour the working mens clubs...just like many entertainers of yester year.
RANDOLF:
Can they actually do that.
MONTGOMERY:
Did you sign that 20 page contract before coming inside.
RANDOLF:
Yes..I had to...if i never there were another million wannabe's waiting for their oppertunity behind me in the holding cell...I had no choice...but what if i decide to walk.
MONTGOMERY:
Then you'll never work again.
RANDOLF:
What can they do that.
MONTGOMERY:
Yep...it's a deal they struck up with the television commissioning body after last series's phone Gate scandal..."Big Eye Candy" was only allowed to be recomissioned if it stopped all the publicity from their glory hunting contestants...and detract the attention from any other channels...all channels agreed that they wouldnt in any way employ any contestants.
RANDOLF:
What other new rules have they come up with.
MONTGOMERY:
Hell Knows.
RANDOLF:
Well blow me.
MONTGOMERY:
There's also no sexual or racist or any derogatory conversations allowed inside the bed sit at any time before or after the water shed...retract it and make a suitable apology.
RANDOLF:
I wasnt being any of those.
MONTGOMERY:
You were told to think about any conversation you may make and too run it over in your head before you spoke...everything you say has a million interpretations...you should know that...you did watch the "Big Eye Candy" video didnt you.
RANDOLF:
i'm bored...what do you wanna do...a game of charades.
MONTGOMERY:
Not allowed....plagiarism policy...i'll challenge you to a game of Ker-plunk.
RANDOLF:
ok...if i knew gaining fame was gonna be this difficult i'd have tried sleeping with a footballer...or entered the X factor...this instant stardom isn't what it was like a couple of years ago...can we play table tennis instead...i'll try the next british sporting hero route....I know...no need to tell me...come on you get the Ker-plunk
"Sorry if the spellings iffy I'll edit it later...I have to type quick because I never know when the pc will turn off....it could be 10 min 30 min 40 min or ten seconds....if its shi* then also sorry...Come to think of it I can't be arsed to edit....just take it as a given that I'm thick"
