Pensioner's party

Tiredness-inspired silly sketch. Damn insomnia. Apologies for crap title.

INT – A KITCHEN
An elderly couple, JEAN and RON, are preparing for a party.

JEAN
Have you blown up the balloons, Ron? And chilled the wine?

RON (O/S)
Yes.

JEAN
Good. They'll be arriving at seven. I'll get the buffet on the table at quarter to. Have you rolled the joints?

RON (O/S)
Just coming to do it now.

Ron enters the kitchen.

RON
How do I do it?

JEAN
I told you. Stuff the beef joints with the mushrooms and roll them in the breadcrumbs.

RON
Righto .

Ron starts to prepare the beef. Jean is decorating a cake.

RON
Do you think we've got enough coke?

JEAN
I think so. If not there's plenty of lemonade. Fiddlesticks! We've run out of e's.

RON
What's up love?

JEAN
The sugared e's for decorating the cake. It was supposed to say ‘Happy Birthday Eileen'.

RON
You've still got time to pop to the shop.

JEAN
Yes.

Jean removes her apron and exits the kitchen.

JEAN (O/S)
Oh, I nearly forgot! The crack pipes!

RON
What was that love?

Jean re-enters the kitchen, now wearing a coat.

JEAN
The cracked pipes in the loft. Did you call the plumber?

RON
Can't come ‘till Monday.

JEAN
Oh well. I'll be back in a jiffy.

RON
Alright love. And while you're out don't forget to pick up some crystal meth. I'm going cold turkey here.

ENDS

Very good.

Liked that. Tiredness suits you.

Wowzor! A Dolly Dagger sketch! That's a rare thing!

I liked it. Made me chuckle and it was the perfect length.

Yes, good one.

Good stuff DD.

Thanks. All positive....so far. I may have a crack at filming this sometime.

A tinkle with the crack pipe is all perhaps. Crack/cracked.

Loved that - reminded me of the Two Ronnies!

Quote: Marc P @ October 9 2008, 2:29 PM BST

A tinkle with the crack pipe is all perhaps. Crack/cracked.

View original

Yes. It would be delivered with a muffle. How would you script that? (indistinct) crack pipes?

Quote: Greg @ October 9 2008, 2:33 PM BST

Loved that - reminded me of the Two Ronnies!

View original

Thanks. Yes, I see the Fork Handles similarity now...

Good stuff, Dolly good stuff!

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ October 9 2008, 2:47 PM BST

Yes. It would be delivered with a muffle. How would you script that? (indistinct) crack pipes?

View original

I think you would be better off coming up with a line with crack in it so you don't change the way you have been working the gag before. Better without the mumbling I think.

Quote: Marc P @ October 9 2008, 2:51 PM BST

I think you would be better off coming up with a line with crack in it so you don't change the way you have been working the gag before. Better without the mumbling I think.

View original

Mmmm. I did think of something like;

JOAN
Did you sort out the crack?

RON
What's that love?

JOAN
The crack in the wall in the utility room.

But I thought it might lead to the innuendo meaning....? Not sure....

You could always finish it with that rather than the Meth

JEAN (O/S)
Did you sort out the crack?

RON
The crack in the wall in the utility room you mean

Jean re-enters the kitchen, now wearing a coat.

JEAN
No you turnip. The crack cocaine. You know what your mother's like.

RON
Oh. Sorry I forgot.

JEAN
(AMUSED) You'd forget your head if it wasn't attached to your feet. I'll be back in a jiffy.

RON PULLS OUT A PACK OF CONDOMS AND CALLS AFTER HER.

RON
Way ahead of you love.

Ignore the last bit was just getting carried away, but you see what I mean about using that as a last line on the Crack reversal.

I did not have problem with crack pipe/cracked pipe. There is only the slightest of changes the final consonant sound and the element of ‘mishearing' actually makes it funnier.