Bernard Manning Page 3

My own late night stream of consciousness.....

EXT - DAY - HEAVEN

MANNING in vest and Y-fronts ascends to heaven to be greeted by St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

MANNING
F**kin ell, St Peter! I must've died and gone to heaven.

ST PETER
We've been expecting you.

MANNING
Let me in then you f**ker.

MANNING attempts to barge past.

ST PETER
It's not that easy I'm afraid. A few of us have been looking at your... well, your *record* ...

MANNING
Twenty Golden Swing Classics? Aye! I sang with Joe Loss you know! Tight f**ker he was, though.

ST PETER
I mean your record regarding racism. Sexism. That sort of thing.

MANNING
Me racist? Sexist? Racy and sexy more like. A joke's a joke. Not my fault if that lot have no sense of humour.

ST PETER
Meh. Anyway, we've decided to have a delegation.

The DELEGATION steps forward, with members from all ethnicities of the world.

ST PETER (CONT.)
How can you reassure them that you deserve to enter the kingdom of heaven.

MANNING (pensive)
I was popular.

ST PETER turns to the DELEGATION and there is some murmuring.

ST PETER
No, that won't wash. Chesney Hawkes was popular once and he's not getting in.

MANNING
Well.. I loved my Mum.

ST PETER turns again and there is more discussion among the delegation.

ST PETER
Sorry, old chap. Another no. Lots of people love their Mum. Isn't that right Oedipus?

OEDIPUS turns round from the delegation and nods.

ST PETER (cont)
And you didn't always take your mother's advice did you?

MANNING
What do you mean?

ST PETER
Those pants. Not exactly fresh on are they? Just think if you'd died today. Oh, hang on...

MANNING
They're my special pair. I wore these in Vegas the night Tony Bennett said I could be bigger than Sinatra.

ST PETER
Yeah, but he didn't mean round the waist. Look, the elastic's all loose.

MANNING
Isn't there anything I can do to get in?

ST PETER
I don't know. We do have strict rules. Tell you what, give us your passport and I'll see what I can do.

MANNING produces his passport from up his arse, much to his own surprise. ST PETER goes to the delegation and there is further discussion. ST PETER returns promptly.

ST PETER
I'm sorry. There's no way you can come in.

MANNING
But I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm not really racist or sexist. I loved my Mum.

ST PETER
Oh, it's not that. If we let you in you'll have to become St Bernard, and we've already got one of those. Haven't we Schnorb?

SCHNORBITZ steps forward from the delegation and WOOFS.

MANNING
But -

ST PETER
Bye!

MANNING finds himself falling through space, as it gets hotter and hotter. He lands outside a factory door, sign saying: SATANIC MILLS LTD. MANNING braves a knock on the door, and is answered by THE DEVIL.

MANNING
Oh, it's you.

THE DEVIL
Of course it is, now what do you want?

MANNING
They won't let me in the other place. Can I come in here instead?

THE DEVIL's Blackberry rings.

THE DEVIL
Hang on a mo will you? (on the phone) Oh Adolf, of course. A bit of Gin Rummy would be splendid. Genghis always lays on a wonderful spread. See you later! Wiedersehen! (to MANNING) Such delightful company. Where were we? Oh, your details. Let me just check. Name?

MANNING
Bernard Manning

THE DEVIL punches the name into the Blackberry

THE DEVIL
Bernard Manning. Sorry to keep you. Google's a bit slow today. Difficult getting a signal this low down. Manning, Manning... oh here we are. Hang on, it says you were a racist and sexist comedian who offended thousands and thousands of people.

MANNING
So... I'm in, then?

THE DEVIL
F**k off are you. I've got standards to keep up.

And he slams the door in MANNING's face.

END

I had an argument earlier about this.

I didn't like Mannings' jokes, personally. Although they were all properly constructed and whatever, I never, even in the 70s, found him very funny. But I have to say he didn't try to be something he wasn't (pleasant). He stuck to his racist guns to the end. A lot of people would sell out and have some bloody manners and be nice, but not Bernard. He stayed true to what he believed in. Which is something rare - although in his case I'm grateful for that.

Kenny Everett had lunch with him once and Bernard just kept telling jokes. You'd ask how things were and he'd just reply with a joke. Afterwards, Kenny and Barry Cryer came to the conclusion that the real person had become submerged under the stage persona, and the only thing he now knew was telling jokes. Which was sort of sad.

God rest his racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic soul.

I didn't like him as a comic, and i thought he always came across as what he was on stage, but he obviously appealed to a market of people, his t.v work died out but he still remained a very popular comic in the clubs, so although he is a racist pig, he still was a very succesful comic and he must have done something right to acheive that.

I can't waist for Mannning to get to Heaven and find out that God is a Black Jew who loves his Mother in-law

Quote: Badge @ June 19, 2007, 12:39 AM

My own late night stream of consciousness.....

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hahaha, this is especially great when you read it with Manning's gruff Mancunian delivery.

edit: I didn't even see him as a good "gagsmith", they all were basically; SET UP. PAUSE. PUNCHLINE. (followed by a wheezy chuckle). It didn't really matter to his audience it was a classically constructed and impeccably delivered pun as long as he was 'saying what we all think', i.e. 'send those f**kers' 'ome'. There was no wit or good nature to his act at all.

No wit to his act?

The fact that he was voted 29th greatest comedian of all time would suggest that a lot of people disagree with you. If you think that all of his material was racially motivated then you're also massively mistaken.

I think it's clear that his act did take over sertain aspects of his life and when he was meeting fellow comics or journalists he couldn't break away from that unpleasant persona. It's also equally clear that with his family, his friends and charity workers that he was very different from that and raised vast amounts of money for people from all cultures.

I've seen a fair few interviews and some of his routines... he seems like he is a bit of a comedy dinosaur stuck in the 70's but not many people look at his none racist, sexist, mother in law jokes (granted there arent many) but he told some pretty good clean jokes too.

to conclude he was fat and said f**k to much.

Quote: Nick @ June 18, 2007, 11:21 PM

The only problem is though that Bernard Manning wasn't a dictator. People voluntarily paid to watch him for the last 50 years, Channel 4 voluntarily made him one of their 'Heroes of Comedy', they will also very soon show a tribute to him voluntarily, people voluntarily voted him the 29th greatest stand-up comedian of all time recently etc. Not too bad considering some of the comments that have been written on here about his supposed lack of talent.

Also why solely focus on somebody's decision to tell racist jokes?

If it's fair to look at evervy aspect of their lives then why aren't people talking about the vast amounts of charity work that he did? that he was a devoted husband? that he cared for his mother until her death?

Would a person who didn't tell racist jokes but also treated their family and other people like crap really be a better person?

It's an interesting moral debate.

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He was a hateful old racist. I don't give a hoot whether he was nice to his family.
I wouldn't vote for nick griffin because he bought his mum a chelsea bun.

I will have to get involved if you bring chelsea buns into the argument.

Those buns are the most bigoted of all bakery produce. They once tried to annexe my caketin and used the excuse of it always being part of the bread bin historically.

Liked most of our sketch Badge. Very funny.

Not getting involved in the argument because I can't really say Isaw much of hisact after the 70's.

My opinion on Bernard. He was a very UNFUNNY Comedian but all in all a good man. He made alot of money for charity. He once said "I'm not racist, I tell jokes and jokes aren't meant to be taken seriously" and I think alot of truth is in that. Many people have praised him when the news of his death came through, these include: Ricky Hatton (In the Manchester Evening News there is a picture of Bernard and Ricky sat next to each other in Y Fronts, Stephen Fry, The Beckhams, Alex Ferguson and Madonna. Even though I found his gags unfunny and too Politically Incorrect, I find it extremely unfair how he has been compared with Hitler on this site. There is a huge difference between jokes and mass execution. Look at all his fans, you would have had no idea Stephen Fry was a fan. Bernard, RIP.

I wasn't so much directly comparing Manning with Hitler. Rather I was comparing his defenders with Hitler's.

Manning's seem to suggest that it was acceptable for him to hold racist views, because he had good qualities too.

And as I'm sure we're all aware, Hitler defenders do like to go on about how talented a painter he was, as if that should redeem him somehow.

It doesn't.

Quote: Jack Massey @ June 19, 2007, 8:24 PM

Alex Ferguson

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What does he know about humour? It probably explains a lot!

Wouldn't Ron Atkinson fit better with this thread anyway?

Complete indifference to this news. I'm not gonna start gleaning over a persons death, but in no way does this news sadden me or in anyway provoke a strong emotion from me.