MY attempt at stand-up

At this point in time my material is in bullet point format, and i would obviously flesh it out on stage. But let me know if i'm on the right track with any of my ramblings.

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- Local Indoor markets are just crap. No attractive person has ever been inside one. They are like a time warp back to 1973. Only place where they still sell ‘bric-a-brac' – whatever the hell that is. Same 4 types of stall in each market, repeated over and over. You can't walk in there wearing anything other than clothes from ‘Ethel Austin' or ‘Stolen from Ivor': ‘Who the hell do you think you are? Coming in here with your fancy non-polyester shirts.'
The guy at the sweet stall defines you by what sweets you choose:

ME: ‘I'll have a quarter of strawberry bon-bons please.'
STALL: ‘What are you….a f**king poof?'
ME: ‘Sorry, did I say bon-bons? I actually meant can I have a pound of raw, unrefined aniseed.'

It's like an episode of Bruce Parry's ‘Tribe'. When you're on your mobile, they whisper: "Look, his phone's got no wires or nothing!"

- Summer holidays. Butlins adverts always just have a fat kid in them, splashing out the end of a waterslide. As a kid you always wanted to go to Disneyland, but always ended up going to places with names that sounded like you were going to have a shit time - like Bognor Regis or Rhyl. Then one holiday you'd go to Disneyland…in Paris. Going to Disneyland Paris carries an element of shame. You can't even be bothered getting photo taken with the characters. ‘You're not the real Mickey!' - Like he's your foster father or something.

For a man, sex is like going on holiday to Disneyland. The car journey there is foreplay: a long, tedious journey, but you persevere because you know eventually you’ll get to Disneyland. Sex itself is like being at Disneyland: one exciting ride after the next. But then you leave the park, have a chance to reflect and think to yourself: ‘What a waste of money’…or maybe that is just my sexual experience.

- My name is Polish, as my grandparents moved here from Poland. Having a Polish name used to be a nice quirky thing, like if you were from Luxembourg or something:

MAN: ‘Where is your name from?'
ME: ‘It's Polish.'
MAN: ‘Oh….shame about that war.'
ME: ‘Yeah, we were shit.'

Now, it's:

MAN: ‘Where is your name from?'
ME: ‘It's Polish.'
MAN: ‘Get out.'
ME: ‘….Excuse me?'
MAN: ‘GET…OUT.'
ME: ‘But this is a public footpath?'
MAN: ‘Get out of my country, you job thieving bastard!'

We blame immigrants for everything. No jobs? Immigrants. Poor economy? Immigrants. This milk has curdled – f**king immigrants!

- Pigeons are so English – lazy, fat scroungers. Only animal you can kick and get away with it with a knowing nod. Pigeon trying to fly – seems like such an effort. They don’t migrate for the winter: ‘Nah, not a big fan of the continent. Might pop down to Morcambe for the day if the weather doesn’t turn.’ Vet’s don’t even care about pigeons. Yet we love robin red breasts. We’re birdist. They are the illegal immigrants of the animal world – like grey squirrels.

- Imagine if your H.E teacher at school had been like Nigella Lawson: ‘Oh dear….I've spilt this Crunchy Sunpat all down my ample, luscious bosom.' There would be more then just one (slightly effeminate) lad choosing H.E.

Do you reckon Jeremy Kyle speaks that way when he is not on his show?

- Retirement homes are like university for old people: you don't know anyone, eat shit food, watch countdown all day, wake up in the morning and you've pissed yourself.

- People smiling in shaving adverts. There's something about holding a razor blade to my neck that makes me not want to smile. Is it me, or have the razor blade designers just given up?

DESIGNER A: ‘Right, we need a new innovation in razor technology. Any ideas?'
DESIGNER B: ‘Just shove another blade on it.'
DESIGNER A: ‘…But we already have 4?'
DESIGNER B: ‘Do I look like I give a shit?!'

- We've become so lazy on computers. We don't even try and spell hard words correctly on Google anymore: fotosinthsis ‘Did you mean Photosynthesis?' of course I did! You piece of junk.

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There is a sample of what i've got so far.

Cheers
fil

I'm no expert but I can tell you what made me laugh. The bit about the Polish name was very funny. The razor designer conversation amused me too. The rest, in my view, needs more work. I could see where you were coming from but, particularly the doctor bit, didn't really crack a smile. I liked the bit about bon bons too.

Well worth persevering with.

Cheers Steve.

Yeah, i'm trying to to think of some good Polish material. If i were to do an Edinburgh fringe show, it would be something like 'The poles are coming!' - try and milk the hatred people have for polish people.

Poles apart?

Quote: sootyj @ October 2 2008, 5:58 PM BST

Poles apart?

View original

Yes! I'm going to have to steal that, i'm afraid. Seeing as though you're not Polish, i can't see you minding too much.

I like the one man mini sketch idea, I've been thinking about it myself, Ricky Gervais Does it and he pulls it off very well if you can replicate it you should be onto a winner.

I like pretty much all of the routine, the disney/ sex joke is a bit more of a light grin, I would cut it, it's weak in comparission.

Jusas bit was weak too.

The shaving jokes been done before (Don't pin me down to where but I've seen it).

I liked the polish joke, that was good - possibly tweak these jokes slightly - some of the punchlines are a bit obvious, not I saw it coming obvious, but "I could have written that joke" obvious.

To sum up, I liked it, keep at it dude.

Thanks Paul. Yeah, i'll drop the 'joke' jokes. And i won't really know what works until i get up there. It'll be trial and error.

I think you've got the start of some good ideas here, but what you need to do is rather than flesh it out, sharpen it up. See where the funny bit is in each part and get to it as quickly as possible, the less rambling the better. Keep going over your material, rewrite, get rid of any phrase or word that is not absolutely necessary.

Oh yeah and have fun, you'll feel fantastic when you've done the gig!

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like the ideas here. Polish jokes good, nice angle with that. did like the retirement home gag.
Overall liked it

Ok, thanks for the help guys. I'll try and cut the fat and see how it works out when i'm actually up there. Of course, this might be well off into the future, as i can't even get onto any open mic nights!

I think there is a lot of scope with the Polish angle. If Omid Jalili can be the 'Iranian comic', then there is room for a Polish comic!

I thought of a play on words yesterday:

'As a Polish guy, i always tend to get sick a lot in winter. My cells just give in to the germs straight away without a fight. 'Don't mind us, come right through. We don't want any trouble!'

Flaner, I see from your profile your based in Manchester. You'll find details of open mic gigs in this area here:

http://www.manchestercomedyforum.co.uk/phpBB2/index.php

and in particular here:

http://www.manchestercomedyforum.co.uk/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=8305