OK, it's 04.38am and I am pretty much alone here on the SuperWebDomainSite which is the BSG.
Apparently there's someone else around, but they are keeping themself hidden behind the bushes, watching me as I dance naked around the internet wearing only a cock-ring and a pashmina.
At such times (and I'm sure you've all been here), in the absence of people to instantaneously agree/deride/make sex joke about your posting, what questions would you ask yourself? And what answers might you give?
Try to be searching your BSG comedy soul.
I'll start with a couple...
1)
Q. Tim, why do you visit the Writers' Discussion section?
A. It makes me feel filthy. I like to writhe in my fellow writers' painful sweat and self-loathing. When I'm with others who hate themselves (to a greater or lesser degree) I feel a sense of community which I can't find from posting a "Hi there" to some teenager from Canada who stumbled onto the site and was too polite to leave without becoming a member. Basically, I go to the writers' discussion in order to achieve satisfaction. I usually ejaculate, weakly and guiltily.
2)
Q. British Sitcom Forum. What's going on there, Tim?
A. Well, it's interesting I ask myself that, Tim. because I have recently posted a diatribe against 'Coming Of Age', knowing that it will only "satisfy" (No, stop!) me and no-one was around to read it.
Q. What do you think that says about you?
A. I think I basically want to be loved/loathed/beaten with kittens, same as anyone. If I have a problem with a BBC digital channel then I perhaps should just have a quiet word with my Freeview box/Susan Nickson's box/Black Box and keep my vitriol to myself. Alternatively, I could take the high road, swallow my indignation and just go out and rape a virgin toy poodle, in order to ease my suffering. Then again, I wouldn't sink so low as to abuse my penis in that way.
3)
Q. The general, general, general, general, general, general, genital, generic, gerbil, germaine (NOT!), germaine greer thread... What is your problem, Tim?
A. It's like a f**king game of pass the parcel which everyone started playing in 2005! I can't keep up. I tried starting the thread at the beginning... it seems to have gone off-topic. I thought Aaron was strict about these things. Try introducing the subject of your favourite General (I don't have one) and you find yourself ignored. Someone more likely to make a joke about how dirty zooo... is. Is she? I'm pretty sure I met her and I don't remember anything happening. I normally have a way with dirty girls. Anyway, the point is... Oh, of course, there is no point to this general, geranium, Gervais, genito-urinary question.
4)
Q. So, just between ourselves, Tim, what is Seefacts really like?
A. No comment.
How's my bullshitting? Dial 077*192*46*.
OK, I've connected with my inner twat and faced him in the mirror. How about you? Some self-examination is always healthy, especially when it concerns breasts and testicles (and teeth for signs of jizz-decay, which is more common that I've just imagined).
