The Mules

INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY

BOB AND DANNY HAVE REACHED THE END OF THEIR HOLIDAY IN COLUMBIA. THEY ARE PACING THEIR HOTEL ROOM NERVOUSLY.

BOB
I knew it! I knew there had to be a catch. You just don't get offered an all-expenses paid holiday to Columbia for nothing. This is madness!

DANNY
I know… mental. But I don't suppose we can back out now. We'll just have to take whatever they give us and… shove it up our arses and get on with it.

BOB
What was I thinking? If only I'd just said no at the start. Look at me – I'm shaking!

DANNY
Yeah... still you'll probably feel better once we've got the goods packed into our back passages, eh?

BOB
And my parents! If we get caught... I'll never be able to look them in the eye again.

DANNY
They better not have jaggy corners. I'm not sitting on a ten-hour flight with my arse in tatters.

BOB
Yeah… what?

DANNY
What if it's like a brick? If they think I'm gonna ram a brick up my arse they've got another think coming, thank you very much.

BOB
Danny…

DANNY
I mean, I'll give it a try but I'm only human...

BOB
I'm a bit more worried about ending up in some South American hellhole of a prison for the rest of my life.

DANNY
Right. Yes... I expect they'll be sausage shaped anyway.

THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. IT'S TENSE. BOB HESITENTLY OPENS THE DOOR. A SWARTHY MAN ENTERS CARRYING A HOLDALL. HE PUTS IT ON THE BED.

CONTACT
You take this on plane with you, yes?

BOB SLOWLY OPENS THE BAG. HE TAKES OUT SOME SOUTH AMERICAN CLAY SCULPTURES. THEY LOOK LIKE MINIATURE AZTEC TOTEM POLES.

BOB
What's this?

CONTACT
Statues. For collectors.

BOB
It's not... drugs?

CONTACT
Drugs? No, no, no - this is art. Too valuable to trust to airline, yes?

BOB
Danny, it's not drugs! It's not drugs!

DANNY PICKS UP ONE OF THE STATUETTES

DANNY
Maybe not. But it's still gonna be a tight squeeze. I'll fetch the lube.

END

It's slickly written, but this seems way to long for such a simple joke.

I would say either make the lead on funnier with more frantic discussion about the packing.

or shorter.

And have more fun with the stuff they have to shove up their bums.

Rare animals, illegal imigrants, shoulder launched missiles etc.

I disagree that you need to escalate it till one's shoving the Empire State building up one's arse. The move from bag to brick to statue was enough.

Laughed quite a lot reading it. Clever touches like the "jagged edges" gag worked for me, as did the the dialogue style.

I like this, the slickly written dialogue neatly defines the characters. But I did kind of guess the pay off from the point the statues are described, which made the denouement feel quite long. I wonder if it might be possible to get round this by having the statues produced later in the conversation? Perhaps Bob looks in the bag and sees what is inside, but we do not see the statues until Danny picks them up...

One other point, it is pointless telling us in the stage direction that they have reached the end of their holiday in Columbia, as this is not being conveyed visually. This needs to be established in the dialogue, which you have done.

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Timbo, those are good points - I probly will move the reveal of the statues to closer to the end - just before the final line of dialogue. And you are also right about the stage direction - many thanks for pointing that out.

Bo.

There's mileage in the idea I think, Bo, but I didn't enjoy your treatment of it. There front end is very exposition heavy and the punchline has a bit of the "WA WA!" about it. The dialogue is good though, especially this bit:

BOB
I'm a bit more worried about ending up in some South American hellhole of a prison for the rest of my life.

DANNY
Right. Yes... I expect they'll be sausage shaped anyway.

I get what David means about the exposition, but I thought the way it was handled, with Rob's manic concern juxtaposed with Danny's increasing anal fixation, worked rather well. It is true the punchline is neither subtle nor unexpected, but it does provide a fittingly organic way out of the sketch.

Thanks chaps. I was trying to get across that Danny was somehow perversely excited at the prospect of being forced to have something shoved up his ass, kind of like it was always something he'd wanted to experiment with but never had the opportunity - not sure if that came across quite as clearly as it could.

Cheers for the feedback, guys.

Bo.

Now that's a very funny idea, I like that alot.

But it isn't quite obvious enough.

Just one or two throw away comments could do it.

Maybe something about hoping they'd be bigger? Or hoping they hit his prostate?

Quote: Bohannon @ September 25 2008, 3:18 PM BST

Thanks chaps. I was trying to get across that Danny was somehow perversely excited at the prospect of being forced to have something shoved up his ass, kind of like it was always something he'd wanted to experiment with but never had the opportunity - not sure if that came across quite as clearly as it could.

Cheers for the feedback, guys.

Bo.

View original

I didn't get that at all. Exploit that, it's a funny idea.

Nice sketch, I thought it worked well. Like a naughty Morecambe and Wise sketch.

Quote: Bohannon @ September 25 2008, 3:18 PM BST

I was trying to get across that Danny was somehow perversely excited at the prospect of being forced to have something shoved up his ass, kind of like it was always something he'd wanted to experiment with but never had the opportunity - not sure if that came across quite as clearly as it could.

View original

That didn't come across for me, I just thought he was being overly focused on the physics of it all - which I think is much funnier than just another pervert gag anyway.

There's probably more mileage in the Contact, talking/misunderstanding the guys if you developed the contact's character.

Quote: ShoePie @ September 25 2008, 4:31 PM BST

That didn't come across for me, I just thought he was being overly focused on the physics of it all - which I think is much funnier than just another pervert gag anyway.

View original

Inclined to agree with this.

Thanks all. A rethink rquired I think.

Bo.