Deal or no Deal

SC 1 - THE SET OF DEAL OR NO DEAL

ON THE SET OF DEAL OR NO DEAL. NOEL IS GUSHING AND TALKING TO A PRETTY FEMALE CONTESTANT. IT'S DOWN TO THE FINAL THREE BOXES. THE BOARD SHOWS £250,000, £50 AND £100 REMAINING.

NOEL:
OK Sue, What's it going to be next, where are you going to take us on this truly amazing game? This extraordinary journey. This cauldron of emotions? This wonderful, totally fantastic and memorable show?

SUE:
Twenty one has always been a lucky number for me Noel. I think I'll go with that.

SUE LOOKS UPSET. SHE PUTS HER HANDS TO HER LIPS AS IF IN PRAYER. HER EYES START TO WATER. SHE'S SHAKING.

SUE:
Oh Noel I'm scared. This means so much to me.

NOEL LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA.

NOEL:
That's what makes Deal or no Deal such a fantastic game. The raw emotion. And what a player we have in Sue. She's played the game brilliantly. Her skill has been unbelievable.

One more box, that if it's a blue, and if it's the fifty pounds, means that the Banker has lost and he's lost big style. In fact he can't lose any bigger. He must offer our fabulous player, Sue, a huge and life-changing sum of money.

HE TURNS TO THE CROWD AND REVS THEM UP.

NOEL:
Let's hope it's a blue. Let's hope it's fifty. Come on everybody.

A CHANT OF BLUE BLUE BLUE STARTS AND STEADILY RISES IN VOLUME. CONTESTANTS BANG THEIR DESKS.

NOEL:
OK Steve. Don't ruin it for Sue. We want to see the 50 - we want to see blue.

THERE'S A DEATHLY HUSH. STEVE PULLS THE SEAL AND SLOWLY OPENS HIS BOX TO REVEAL £250,000.

SCREAMS OF HORROR FROM THE AUDIENCE AND SUE DISSOLVES INTO A CRUMPLED HEAP AT THE PLAYER'S TABLE.

NOEL:
Oh Sue! I just don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. This is such a cruel game of pure chance and absolute luck when all's said and done.

SUE:
G-g-game of chance? P-p-pure luck? B-B-but you said that I was such a fantastic player. Yo-y-you said I was one of the best players ever. H-h-h-how has this happened to me? I deserve so much more than just £100 pounds.

NOEL:
Nah! Sorry love there's no skill in this whatsoever. it's just jam jam jam.

And not so fast with the hundred quid while we're at it. Technically you haven't actually won the hundred yet. You could end up with only fifty in all honesty. I mean it's a bit presumptuous to think that after making such a monumental balls up as you just have, that we'll just let you swagger out of here with a century in your purse. You've a bit of work ahead of you yet.

SUE IS SOBBING. SHE LOOKS TO THE AUDIENCE. GARY, HER BOYFRIEND IS THERE. SHE GESTURES FOR HIM TO COME DOWN. HE LEAVES HIS SEAT AND JOINS HER AT THE TABLE. HE THEN KICKS NOEL IN THE NADGERS VERY HARD AND REPEATEDLY AS THE STUDIO LIGHTS DIM

END

Hi Blenk ... I liked that. A very real Noel (is he really real!?!) and nice turn in the last couple of paras. Lot of scope for more using same show as the target.

Thanks Mike

This is a sketch with Deadringers or similar in mind really. That's the only place it could work. I don't always see it and could be they've done this or something similar already. I know they do Noel regularly but I'm referring to this particular scenario.

I really wrote it as a cathartic exercise for myelf. In common with millions of others I have watched the show (DOND), why do we, it's gripping and I don't know why it is, but there I am getting sucked in and shouting at Noel at the same time as he tries to crack on that somebody is using skill and ability to play the game. We all know it's no more than pure luck and holding your bottle.

This sketch was me sort of shouting at the TV - and now I've got it out of my system I can move on. Aaahhhhhhhhh!

I liked it, didn't dead ringers do one with deadly snakes in the box, and in the end one lept out, i enjoyed yours blenks can you make it into a series of sketches, based on this one it would be a good series.

Actually, a neat idea for a sketch might be DOND just from "the Banker's" perspective. I've often visualised this hidden entity as several anoraks with computers, a dolly bird floor manager ... and a character a bit like Bloefeld (?), complete with cat, nissed as a pewt, trying to calculate the offers, muttering things into a 'phone now and again that have nothing to do with the game at all... but N keeping a straight face and answering as if asked something completely different! Might work, I won't be doing it as too busy so help yourself if you want! Like your one though, good stuff.

Good sketch Blenk and I liked Mike's idea too. Someone do it.

Good stuff, but I can't help thinking this is similar to something Rory Bremner did in his show a few months ago, only noel got excited and went for a piss in teh corner.

I liked it aswell. I think the one thing in common that writers share is we all watch Deal or No Deal. I thought it'll be funny to have a Deal or No Deal sketch where there is a close up shot of Noel saying 'amazingly you've had the perfect game you are now left with the £100,000 and £250,000. You chose not to Deal lets reveal the box. Its £250,000.' And then theres a shot of an attractive woman with jism on her face. Noel winks at her.

Hi Blenks

I can see the catharsis in there. I like that your recent sketches have a Dead Ringers feel to them as they feel 'themed'.

Main criticism of this one (if I may be so bold) is that I think it could be funnier. It's a bit too tense and I kind of feel disappointed when the £250,000 is revealed. This may be a side-effect of the (real) show, cos as soon as it's gone when I'm watching, I generally turn over as the excitement's disappeared for me. I got the same feeling. I think that's a sleight on the show rather than your sketch.

Mike's idea is great! I like that one a lot.

Dan

Thanks all for the positive comments on this one. I'm glad that it didn't seem too familiar so I must send it off to DR's now before it's too late.

Dan

I know what you mean. When I read it back it's almost like I'm watching the show. And as I've used a bunch of Noel's stock phrases, the characterization, in respect of how he is on DOND, is I think spot on.

The "fun”,on the page anyway, only really starts in the second half of the sketch as what we have up to then is essentially and excerpt from the show. Though I would like to think that Messrs Culshaw or Bremner, or whoever, would extract some fun out of the way Noel delivers his yuckky lines.

It's just the "cack" that Noel comes up with during "game play" that sets me off a-rantin' and a-roarin' the rest of the show is really a sanitised version of watching some poor bastard play Russian roulette on TV.

B

Quote: Blenkinsop @ June 14, 2007, 4:00 PM

It's just the "cack" that Noel comes up with during "game play" that sets me off a-rantin' and a-roarin' the rest of the show is really a sanitised version of watching some poor bastard play Russian roulette on TV.

View original

Now, *that* I wouldn't turn over:

PROMO:

(V/O) One millions pounds. Fifteen boxes. One cocked gun.

NOEL APPEARS SMILING.

(V/O) Dead Or No Deal *Extreme*. Channel 4 at 8...

END

Quote: swerytd @ June 15, 2007, 11:30 AM

(V/O) Dead Or No Deal *Extreme*. Channel 4 at 8...

View original

I like the fact that you think channel 4 would show it before the watershed

Where can we buy tickets?

Vey Dead Ringers and every bit as good. Do you do Noel (personal question, I know)?

As usual Blenk with all your stuff. Fabulous.xx