British Comedy Guide

The Poetry of Theodore Hessian: Part One

An idea for a character piece; possibly a runner, or a series of shorts - undecided. Here's Part One.

[ Part 2: https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/9388 ]
[ Part 3: https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/9406 ]

* * * * *

SCENE 1.
INT. LOUNGE ROOM. NIGHT.

THEODORE HESSIAN (30-ISH, WELL-DRESSED AND SERIOUS-LOOKING) IS SEATED IN A LEATHER ARMCHAIR. THE ROOM IS DIM, BUT THEODORE'S FACE IS ILLUMINATED BY THE EMBERS FROM A FIREPLACE. HE ADDRESSES THE CAMERA.

THEODORE:
Bonjour. Wilkommen. Salut. Assalamualaikum. Ola. Hallo. Halo. Hi. I'm Theodore Hessian – poet, philosopher, romantic, social commentator, ambassador for mankind, linguistic sorcerer, warlock of rhyme, humanist. Primarily poet, sure, but all those other things equally, if less. In this series, I'll take you on a journey into the darkest recesses of my art, my heart, and my life. Welcome to Theodore Hessian: On Being, Etcetera.

ENIGMATIC THEME MUSIC. FADE TO:

SCENE 2.
EXT. STREET. MORNING.

THEODORE WALKS UP A STREET AND ENTERS A CORNER SHOP. CUT TO INT., SHOP.

THEODORE (V/O):
I spend my every waking minute with reams of rhyme billowing through my brain. I live poetry. It's what I am. I have a gift I need to express, and I can't relinquish that gift. I can't deny that need.

THEODORE HANDS THE SHOPKEEPER A NEWSPAPER.

THEODORE:
I'll just have the Mail, thanks. Not intimately, of course.

SHOPKEEP:
Eh?

THEODORE (glances at camera):
Never mind.

SHOPKEEP:
One-twenty, mate.

THEODORE:
So they've trapped you in their prison,
The grasping hands of capitalism.

SHOPKEEP:
What?

THEODORE WAVES IT OFF, PAYS.

THEODORE (to camera):
Philistine.

CUT TO:

SCENE 3.
INT. LOUNGE ROOM. NIGHT.

THEODORE ADDRESSES THE CAMERA FROM HIS ARMCHAIR.

THEODORE:
Poetry. Let me share some. This is taken from an anthology entitled "Musings from the Omnibus". It's called "Note For A Lover", and goes something like this:

My lonely wrist,
My naked tooth,
My sullen brow,
My sautéed youth,

My amber neck,
My fluid knee,
My turgid bowel,
I give to thee.

My sweaty eye,
My silver ear,
My gastric flu,
All sense you near,

My struggling shin,
My paedo mouth,
You've lit my soul,
Don't put it out.

By Theodore Hessian. That's me. Not another person of the same name; I don't think my name's even that common. So… romance.

FIN.

I think you've got a great character and dialogue in search of a sketch.

I didn't find it that funny, but I could picture it being very funny in real world situations.

Maybe not having change for the bus?

Have to say I agree with Sootyj on this one. Better to take him out of the armchair and just have him confronting common folk with his poetry. Oh, and that name - Theodore Hessian? Sublime.

It's all a bit self referential for me.

Quote: David Bussell @ September 23 2008, 9:55 AM BST

Have to say I agree with Sootyj on this one. Better to take him out of the armchair and just have him confronting common folk with his poetry. Oh, and that name - Theodore Hessian? Sublime.

Thanks very much for the reply. This is only the opening episode, so there'll be more of him interacting with the ordinary quite soon.

Quote: Marc P @ September 23 2008, 10:05 AM BST

It's all a bit self referential for me.

Thanks for the reply, Marc. I see what you mean; I like the character focus, and it becomes less so in the following parts.

Share this page