A man is lying in his hospital bed and desperate for a crap he shits the bed before he gets up. Rather than face the wrath of the nurses, he gets the bed sheet and throws it out the window. A drunk man walking along the street ends up with the shit-stained sheet falling on top of him. A policeman sees the drunk and asks what has happened. The drunk said that he beat the crap out of a ghost.
I like that one! tee hee
What's blue and f**ks old people?
Me in my lucky blue anorak.
Jack Dee tells it better. 
Quote: Nigel Kelly @ September 22 2008, 5:22 PM BSTA man is lying in his hospital bed and desperate for a crap he shits the bed before he gets up. Rather than face the wrath of the nurses, he gets the bed sheet and throws it out the window. A drunk man walking along the street ends up with the shit-stained sheet falling on top of him. A policeman sees the drunk and asks what has happened. The drunk said that he beat the crap out of a ghost.
Write that up as sketch!
With a sequel about twisted Ghostbusters.
Quote: jdubya @ September 22 2008, 5:28 PM BSTWhat's blue and f**ks old people?
Me in my lucky blue anorak.
Nice twist on a well known joke.
Dylan Moran and Ardal O'Hanlon try to gatecrash a party. But they're not in luck as it's a fancy dress party. So they go away and come back stark naked, O'Hanlon with a pear stuck on the end of his willy and Moran with his willy dangling in a bowl of custard.
"What have you come as?" asks the chap on the door. "We're negative emotions," says Moran.
Adds O'Hanlon, "I'm deep in despair, and he's f**king disgusted."
Quote: Nigel Kelly @ September 22 2008, 5:22 PM BSTA man is lying in his hospital bed and desperate for a crap he shits the bed before he gets up. Rather than face the wrath of the nurses, he gets the bed sheet and throws it out the window. A drunk man walking along the street ends up with the shit-stained sheet falling on top of him. A policeman sees the drunk and asks what has happened. The drunk said that he beat the crap out of a ghost.
Lets see...
Without Paul's money, Heather-Mills wouldn't have a leg to stand on
If you wanna have sex with someone who's on a life-support machine, the moves you can do are in the Coma-Sutra
I saw a poster that said "Have you seen this dog, call *insert phone number* and ask for Sam, reward £50." I thought, "this is great I have seen this dog." So, I rang the number and sam answered so I siad "Sam, I've seen your dog... your competitions a bit easy when you put a picture of the dog on the poster though. Where do I collect my reward." Why he started crying I'll never know.
In Hollywood, they say it's unprofessional for an actor to look at the camera during filming; that must make Frankie Muniz the worst actor in the world
I heard on the news recently that there's a shortage of pilots in the RAF, maybe they should change their slogen then:
You don't have to be a pilot to fly in the RAF... but it would help.
Quite like the RAF slogan though, maybe others could use a similar one:
You don't have to be a plumber to work for British Gas.
You don't have to be a teacher to work at the Open University.
You don't have to be a suicide bomber to work for Al-Qaeda.
What's a Muslim's favourite dive?
Bombing.
I remember the first time I saw an old person, her carer said to me "come on over, she wont bite" I said "I know she wont, she's no teeth"
I steal urine samples; that's really taking the piss.
101 dalmations would have been a more interesting film if it was 101 Rottweilers.
I went shopping on the clouds, bit of dispute over the method of paying but eventually they took a reign check
I really love the letters I and T, I'm getting hard just thinking about it.
Someone recently made a bet with me. The bet was that I could masturbate so vigerously that I'd get wanker's cramp in less than 5 minutes. No one thought I could do it but I managed to pull it off.
I'll definitely stop now
What do you call a group of sleeping skinheads?
Baldy tires.
What do you get if you cross the M4 with a wheelbarrow?
Squashed
Kid crying on a cliff edge.
Man asks him what's wrong?
"My mum and dad just fell off the cliff, I'm all alone,"
"Not your day is it kid?"
Says the man pulling his trousers down.
Not mine I admit.
A pair of glasses go into a bar.
The barman says "I'm not serving you, you're off your face."
A wig and a dog turd walk in a pub.
Barman says
I'm not serving you, you're off your head and your mates steaming.
A horse walks in to a pub.
The horse says to the barman, "Neigh long face pal."
It was a Scottish horse.
the worst one ever ...
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor Who?
Or...
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?