Quote: Frankie Rage @ September 22 2008, 4:08 AM BSTIf my thread is so unfunny, why do you keep returning to it, eh Morrace?
Quote: Frankie Rage @ September 22 2008, 1:50 AM BSTGood to see you're getting into the swing of things Morrace!
Your words.
Quote: Frankie Rage @ September 22 2008, 4:08 AM BSTAnyway, the laugh is on me, OK?
What laugh? Still waiting......
I challenge you to a race around the boating lake.
Ready, steady.. GO! 
Quote: Frankie Rage @ September 22 2008, 4:14 AM BSTI challenge you to a race around the boating lake.
Ready, steady.. GO!
Playing the race card eh, Frankie? Well, it won't work.
Ok, ok ..so how about a rousing chorus of 'My old man's a dustman' instead?
Quote: Frankie Rage @ September 22 2008, 4:34 AM BSTOk, ok ..so how about a rousing chorus of 'My old man's a dustman' instead?
Now here's a little story
To tell it is a must
About an unsung hero
That moves away your dust
Some people make a fortune
Other's earn a mint
My old man don't earn much
In fact....he's flippin'.....skint
Oh, my old man's a dustman
He wears a dustman's hat
He wears cor blimey trousers
And he lives in a council flat
He looks a proper narner
In his great big hob nailed boots
He's got such a job to pull em up
That he calls them daisy roots
Some folks give tips at Christmas
And some of them forget
So when he picks their bins up
He spills some on the steps
Now one old man got nasty
And to the council wrote
Next time my old man went 'round there
He punched him up the throat
Oh, my old man's a dustman
He wears a dustman's hat
He wears cor blimey trousers
And he lives in a council flat
I say, I say Duncan
I 'er...I found a police dog in my dustbin
(How do you know he's a police dog)
He had a policeman with him
Though my old man's a dustman
He's got a heart of gold
He got married recently
Though he's 86 years old
We said 'Ear! Hang on Dad
you're getting past your prime'
He said 'Well when you get to my age'
'It helps to pass the time'
Oh, my old man's a dustman
He wears a dustman's hat
He wears cor blimey trousers
And he lives in a council flat
I say, I say, I say
My dustbins full of lillies
(Well throw 'em away then)
I can't Lilly's wearing them
Now one day while in a hurry
He missed a lady's bin
He hadn't gone but a few yards
When she chased after him
'What game do you think you're playing'
She cried right from the heart
'You've missed me...am I too late'
'No... jump up on the cart'
Oh, my old man's a dustman
He wears a dustman's hat
He wears cor blimey trousers
And he lives in a council flat
I say, I say, I say (What you again)
My dustbin's absolutely full with toadstools
(How do you know it's full)
'Cos there's not much room inside
He found a tiger's head one day
Nailed to a piece of wood
The tiger looked quite miserable
But I suppose it should
Just then from out a window
A voice began to wail
He said (Oi! Where's me tiger head)
Four foot from it's tail
Oh, my old man's a dustman
He wears a dustman's hat
He wears cor blimey trousers
And he lives in a council flat
Next time you see a dustman
Looking all pale and sad
Don't kick him in the dustbin
It might be my old dad
Quote: Frankie Rage @ September 22 2008, 1:50 AM BSTGood to see you're getting into the swing of things Morrace!
Next time you see a dustman
With his pile of comedy scripts
That's ol' bin man Frankie
Going to the rubbish tip.
Nice one, Morrace!
You've made me laugh anyway, sorry I wasn't able to return the favour on this occasion with my jottings!
*must try harder*
You're a sport, Frankie.
Nice one. 
Likewise, lovely to see that old Lonnie Donegan lyric again!
Love the amended ending!
Lonnie Donegan & Morrace - Kings of Skiffle!
Apparently, Lonnie Donegan's son is a student - on his Cumberland Gap year.
You know Morrace if some one could be hired to perpetually annoy you, you could be the greeatest surreal comedian since Spike Milligan.
The whole of My Old Man's a Dustman, followed by one changed verse?
I could see that in a sitcom easily.
Quote: sootyj @ September 22 2008, 9:50 AM BSTYou know Morrace if some one could be hired to perpetually annoy you, you could be the greeatest surreal comedian since Spike Milligan.
Oh you know me, Sooty, Frankie Rage says "how about a rousing chorus of 'My old man's a dustman' - so that's what he got! The extra verse was an afterthought.
As for ‘some one could be hired to perpetually annoy you' -----
INT. EMPLOYMENT AGENCY. DAY.
CHIRPY YOUNG GIRL, JUST ROLLED OFF THE 'CHIRPY YOUNG EMPLOYMENT AGENCY GIRL' PRODUCTION LINE, LOOKS UP AS A YOUNG MAN, MR. FURTIVE ENTERS.
GIRL: Can I help you please?
FURTIVE: I've come about ----
GIRL: (INTERRUPTS) D'you have a nice weekend?
FURTIVE: Well I er ---
GIRL: (INTERRUPTS) Lovely! Good, good, good, good! How can I help you?
FURTIVE: I've come about the vacancy.
GIRL: Ooh, lovely. Take a seat.
FURTIVE SITS OPPOSITE GIRL.
GIRL: Have you got a CV?
FURTIVE: Well, no. But I've got an old Ford Escort.
GIRL: No, I mean a curricul – cumricurler – (A DEEP BREATH) - a piece of paper wiv all your jobs on it.
FURTIVE: Yeh, but I ain't GOT no jobs, that's why I'm here, ain't I?
GIRL: I mean all the jobs you had before, well like, your last job.
FURTIVE:(REALISES) Oh – oh yeh.
FURTIVE HANDS HER AN A4 SHEET. GIRL LOOKS IT UP AND DOWN.
GIRL: Ooh, that's nice, good, good, good! Nice out now innit, Derek?
FURTIVE: Sorry?
GIRL: Makes a change from the rain, dunnit Derek?
FURTIVE: Oh – oh yeh.
GIRL: Good, good, good, good! My names Debbie – can I help you please?
FURTIVE: Well, I've come about –
GIRL: (GIGGLES)Oh yeh ‘course – silly cow, ain't I? You come about the vacancy incha?
FURTIVE: Yeh, that's it.
GIRL: What vacancy?
FURTIVE TAKES OUT A NEWSPAPER CUTTING AND READS FROM IT.
FURTIVE:
Someone to perpetually annoy…Morrace.
GIRL: Oh dear. I'm reeeeeely sorry. It's gone. Mind you, you probably wouldn't like it.
FURTIVE: Oh.
GIRL: The employer, Mr. Sooty Jay swore a lot. Called my colleague a ‘stupid f**kin' cow.' Mind you, she IS a stupid f**kin' cow – but that's not the point is it? Did you have a nice weekend?
FURTIVE: No. My Mum and Dad died in a car crash.
GIRL: Ooh lovely! Good, good, good, good! That must have been reeeeeely nice for you! My name's Debbie – can I help you please?
FURTIVE: Bye.
FURTIVE GETS UP FROM HIS SEAT.
GIRL: Byeeee! Mind how you go. It's lovely out there now, innit!
FURTIVE SAUNTERS OUT AS GIRL BABBLES ON.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Oops! Got a bit carried away, there!
Catherine Tate could make a meal out of that.
Very nicely written, probably adjustable to be topical with some minor tweaks.
Certainly amusing, n.b. for all my manifold faults I don't sweat that much do I?
Mind you when you write like that, it's always a bit suspicious.
Are you truly talented and humble?
I'd love to see you stick something in critique straight off your own bat.
Rather amusing. In places.
Very little consistency to the mother character though. Starts off seeming prim and proper, ends up implying orgies and other such filth. She seems to be a mouthpiece for a number of different 'messages' (the snootyness and the criticisms of Lara and her lifestyle, mainly), which would be perhaps better split into two characters?
Thanks Frankie & Sooty - sorry about the hijack Frankie!
Sooty; re. 'Are you truly talented and humble?'
Well, it's all a matter of opinion!
I HAVE posted something in Critique: