SCENE 3:
TWO WEEKS LATER. INT. TRAIN. ‘AARDON IS READING ENID BLYTON'S ‘FIFTH TERM AT MALORY TOWERS'. HIS MOBILE RINGS WITH RING TONE: 'JERUSALEM'.
'AARDON: (BRIGHTLY)
Hullo, I'm 'Aardon!
CUT TO INT. ‘AARDON'S HOUSE. KITCHEN. MUMMY IS ON THE PHONE TO ‘AARDON.
MUMMY:
Are you on the train yet, dear? How did it go?
'AARDON: (LESS BRIGHTLY)
Oh, it's you. Well it's a lovely Uni mummy with proper lecture theatres and the lecturers were soooo wonderfully snooty!
MUMMY:
Did you look at the accommodation?
'AARDON:
Yes, but only the best. I didn't even care to look at the shit ones.
MUMMY:
Please don't use that word, dear. Anyway, it might be too expensive. Perhaps you'd better stay at home and commute? I shall miss you!
'AARDON:
Mummy! No! I've seen you every day of my life! It's only £115 a week and there's a lower class maid who ‘does' every day and gets pregnant every week probably. Look, daddy must pay for the best room or you shall have to get a job and pay. You could use an assumed name and take in washing. How about ‘Agnes Slopps', that would do!
MUMMY:
Well, I don't know about that but Daddy is already paying £1,500 a week to ‘Miss Whiplash' so I don't think..
'AARDON:
Hmmph! The ‘arrangement' with Lara is only a £1,000.
MUMMY:
Yes, but he's had to pay her the extra £500 to keep schtum, dear.. Look, if you're determined to board at Uni, could you at least LOOK at the cheaper rooms.
'AARDON:
What!? With 30 boys sharing a kitchen! I think not. It's Dickensian! Anyway, I need somewhere decent for Lara to come to at week-ends.
MUMMY:
Mmm, from what I've seen, I think she'll be fine with the 30 boys in the kitchen! She took up with the gardener and his two labourers last week and they say she's got a firearm!
'AARDON:
Oh, it's probably just a heat rash mummy.
THE TRAIN GOES INTO A TUNNEL.
'AARDON:
Oh bother..
MUMMY:
'Aardon? Are you still there dear, hello.. 'Aardon, speak to your mother, dear I'm sure we can sort something out..
END OF SCENE.
