SCENE ONE.
EXT. LONDON UNDERGROUND STATION. A WELL DRESSED YOUNG COUPLE ARE SAT WAITING FOR THE TUBE. THE YOUNG MANS DESIGNER T-SHIRT BEARS THE LEGEND: ‘PENSION SORTED!'
‘AARDON:
Our gardener's a Venezuelan. His family live near a live volcano, and he needs money desperately to help them move away. He works for next to nothing here even though he's got a degree in Business Studies!
LARA: (KISSES ‘AARDON)
Oh ‘Aardon, it's so good of your family to help. You're so (BEAT) Middle Class!
THEY KISS PASSIONATELY MAKING GENTLE SLOBBERING NOISES.
LARA:
Mmmm.. you're so nice.. and different.. the guys at work just treat me like a sex object!
'AARDON: (CAREFULLY)
Lara.. have you ever thought of giving up Escorting?
LARA: (DREAMILY)
Mmm.. ..might.. with the right arrangement.. do you know, for £50 extra you could have.. oh, sorry 'Aardon..
SCENE 2.
LATER. INT. A POSH SITTING ROOM. A POSH OLDER LADY GREETS 'AARDON (HER SON) AND LARA.
MUMMY:
Hello, my dears!
'AARDON:
Mummy, may I introduce Lara. We're getting married.. well, I mean, we're going to have an 'arrangement'.. and I'll need daddy to increase my allowance..
MUMMY EYES LARA UP AND DOWN AND TURNS TO 'AARDON.
MUMMY:
Well, this is all very sudden, but of course you'll need more money if you're setting up home together..
'AARDON:
Will I! She costs £1,000 per week!
LARA: (DIRECTLY TO MUMMY)
Mummy, I offer a truly sensual Girl Friend Experience, come and be enveloped in my inviting busom, let me wrap myself around you, taste my pouting, sexy lips then feel my hot mouth on..
A POSH OLDER MAN ('AARDON'S FATHER) ENTERS THE ROOM.
DADDY: (SEES LARA)
Good grief, 'Miss Whiplash of Romford!'
HE FALLS TO HIS KNEES AT LARA'S FEET. LARA ADOPTS AN IMPERIOUS STANCE.
LARA:
Kiss the soles of my shoes, slave.. I mean.. (PAUSE) oh, my dear old 'Rooster', that was a different lifetime..
LARA TURNS AWAY AND HANGS HER HEAD. MUMMY TURNS TO DADDY THEN BURSTS INTO TEARS.
MUMMY:
'Old Rooster!?' How could you, Reginald.. I thought you were my 'iddy, biddy toodlums'.. *SOBS*
'AARDON:
Miss Whiplash?! (BEAT) of Romford? Lara, how could you.. I mean.. Romford?
LARA: (HURT)
It was a begining.. then I was 'Trupti of Tooting' but they said it was wrong to black up.
MUMMY RECOVERS HER POSH COMPOSURE AND TURNS TO LARA.
MUMMY:
By any chance are you bi, my dear?
LARA: (BRIGHTENS)
Why yes, I was 'Angel Vagina' and I was so happy then ..my clients were mature and genteel ladies of wealth!
MUMMY: (SMILING)
Then shall we go, my dear?
MUMMY AND LARA LINK ARMS AND SLOPE OFF GRACEFULLY. 'AARDON AND HIS FATHER LOOK NON-PLUSSED AS THEIR TROUSERS START TO FALL DOWN.
END OF SCENE.
