SYDNEY HIDES THE SWORD BEHIND HIS BACK AND LOOKS AWAY IN SHAME
HE NOTICES A SPIDER ON THE WALL AND CHAOS ERUPTS.
THE MONSTERS JUMP UP AND DOWN AND CRIES OF ‘EVERYBODY STAY PERFECTLY CALM' AND ‘ITS PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF US THAN WE ARE OF IT' CAN BE HEARD AMONGST A MELEE OF SCREAMS.
THE SPIDER RUNS ACROSS THE FLOOR. THE PROFESSOR PICKS UP THE TELEPHONE
PROFESSOR (speaking into the telephone)
Hello who's this? …
(The professor looks guilty) Well I can't see him …
(Mutters a laugh) Yes you did rather walk into that one. (Tone becomes serious) We've got a slight emergency here and need your expertise.
I don't know but it walks on legs of eight and has a cold calculated look in its eyes …
(speaking to the group) She says to stay perfectly calm …
It's probably more afraid of us than we are of it …
TONY (as camp as Christmas itself)
I don't know if that's possible …
PROFESSOR
(on the telephone) How do we dispose of it? Crossbow? Poisoned mushrooms?
… (to the group) Have we got a mug?
… (on the telephone) What about once it's in the mug?
SYDNEY RUNS INTO THE KITCHEN AND RETRIEVES A MUSICAL MATCH OF THE DAY MUG
… Well that's a bit cruel isn't it?
… I think it would be best if you come over here straight away.
THE PROFESSOR PUTS THE PHONE DOWN
SYDNEY
What am I doing with this mug?
PROFESSOR
She said to turn all the lights out, lulling the beast into a false sense of security. When you switch them back on it should have relocated to the centre of the room … then put the mug on top of it!
SYDNEY SWITCHES THE LIGHTS OFF
BRIAN
(whispering) Why did you tell her to come here … what about the invisible man?
PROFESSOR
(whispering) A dirty witch wouldn't be fazed by that sort of thing …
BRIAN
(whispering) They've been engaged for two years.
THE PROFESSOR SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS
PROFESSOR
Nobody told me.
SYDNEY SWITCHES THE LIGHT ON AND CAPTURES THE SPIDER IN THE MUG.
THROUGHOUT THE NEXT DIALOGUE HE IS COMPLETELY FIXATED BY THE MUG.
TONY
We talk about it all the time … we even made up that amusing, if slightly bitter and twisted, song …
THE MONSTERS BREAK INTO A RENDITION OF THE SONG ‘POPCORN' BY HOT BUTTER. THIS SONG HAS NO WORDS AND SHOULD BE PERFORMED SO THAT IT GETS GRADUALLY LOUDER. ROSES TIN USED AS DRUMS BY BRIAN. PROFESSOR JOINS IN, RETRIEVING A TROMBONE FROM HIS TROUSERS.
PROFESSOR
I just can't picture them together. It must be hard on you …
THE PROFESSOR LOOKS TOWARDS TONY
BRIAN
Why? Were you two an item?
TONY
Yes before I found out she was a witch. You should never get involved with a witch, young Brian. They try to put things in you and all sorts …
BRIAN
How did you find out she was a witch?
TONY
I pushed her from the top of a very large building. I knew that if she was a witch she would use her powers and fly to safety.
BRIAN
What if she hadn't have been a witch?
TONY
Well she … do you know, I never even thought of that. I'll have to revise my strategy for the next time that situation arises.
BRIAN
So, is it hard seeing those two together?
TONY
Not at all … except this one time when I walked in on them … you know
TONY TAPS HIS HANDS AGAINST HIS THIGHS
… and there was a classic misunderstanding on account of his being .... You probably had to be there … very amusing !
LOOKS OF CONFUSION AND DISGUST ARE EXCHANGED BETWEEN THE MONSTERS.
BRIAN
What are we going to do?
ANOTHER PAUSE AS THE MONSTERS TRY AND THINK OF A PLAN.
SYDNEY
Is he definitely dead?
CONFUSED LOOKS GREET THE QUESTION
TONY
Sydney's right … apparently a person can go on living for several minutes after losing their head.
SYDNEY
Some people go on to lead perfectly normal lives.
PROFESSOR
I take back that compliment I gave you fifteen years ago to this very day … you are as stupid as you look!
SYDNEY GRABS A CUSHION TO COMFORT HIMSELF IN RESPONSE TO THE CHARACTER ASSASSINATION.
BRIAN
Don't some m … "socially challenged beings" grow back two extra heads if one is chopped off.
TONY
I think that's worms, but I'd better check for a heartbeat just in case.
TONY GETS ON THE FLOOR AND CHECKS THE INVISIBLE MAN'S HEARTBEAT.
HE RETRACTS HIS HAND RAPIDLY. HE HAS TOUCHED SOMETHING UNFORTUNATE.
TONY EVENTUALLY FINDS THE ARM. HE LIFTS IT UP AND IT DROPS. HE REPEATS THIS TEST THREE TIMES AND FINALLY SHAKES HIS HEAD TO INDICATE THAT THE INVISIBLE MAN IS DEAD.
PROFESSOR
Our bizarre compendium of guests will be here any minute … we need a plan!
BRIAN
My tutor says that honesty is the best policy.
PROFESSOR
Your tutor is a moron and I would happily urinate on him, except in the unlikely event that he were on fire. Has anyone got a real plan?
BRIAN
Why don't we just pretend he's here?
PROFESSOR
That might just work, Brian. He was neither visible, audible nor particularly pungent whilst alive …
TONY
The professor makes a good point. How hard can it be?
THE DOORBELL RINGS