British Comedy Guide

FARMS (COMP 13/6) Page 2

INT. FARMHOUSE KITCHEN - DAY

ECCENTRIC FARMERS BETTY AND MAVIS, BOTH IN THEIR LATE FIFTIES, SIT IN A COSY FARMHOUSE KITCHEN HAVING A MUG OF TEA.

BETTY
My cow can`t moo!

MAVIS
Why not?

BETTY
No idea.

MAVIS
Has it ever?

BETTY
It may have slipped one in when I wasn`t looking.

MAVIS
Could it be a sneaky cow?

BETTY
I`d never thought of that.

MAVIS
Is there anything else it can`t do?

BETTY
It doesn`t seem to sleep.

MAVIS
Why not?

BETTY
No idea.

MAVIS
Has it ever?

BETTY
Well, it may have had a crafty nap when I wasn`t looking.

MAVIS
Anything else?

BETTY
I think that`s it. No, there is something else. It doesn`t seem interested in sex.

MAVIS
Why not?

BETTY
No idea.

MAVIS
Has it ever?

BETTY
I suppose it could be having a bit of a fumble behind my back.

MAVIS
Anything else?

BETTY
My pig can`t oink!

MAVIS
I don`t think pigs actually oink, but they make a similar sound.
Perhaps I should take a look?

BETTY
If you think it`s necessary.

BETTY AND MAVIS WALK OUT OF THE KITCHEN.

EXT. YARD - DAY

BETTY AND MAVIS SCUTTLE ACROSS THE YARD TO THE PIG PEN.

EXT. PIG PEN - DAY

A PIG LIES ON ITS SIDE.

BETTY
Oh, I nearly forgot, it doesn`t move either.

MAVIS
Clearly.

BETTY
Do you think it gets up and runs around a bit, then puts a trotter up at me when I`m not looking?

MAVIS
No! Definitely not!

BETTY
(deflated)
Oh. Well, I have a sneaky cow, maybe this pig`s just the same?

MAVIS
I don`t think so.

BETTY
Oh?

MAVIS
This pig is actually dead.

BETTY
(sadly)
Oh dear and we were getting on so well. I think we should wait for bit though, see if it perks up.

MAVIS
As you wish.

2 HOURS LATER

BETTY AND MAVIS ARE LOOKING BORED AND FED UP.

MAVIS
Satisfied?

BETTY
Well, OK, but I think you`re being a bit hasty.

AS BETTY AND MAVIS TURN AND BEGIN TO WALK AWAY, BETTY BEGINS TO CRY. MAVIS SLIPS AN ARM AROUND BETTY`S SHOULDERS.

EXT. PIG PEN - DAY

THE PIG SMILES AND STUFFS A TROTTER UP AT MAVIS AND BETTY`S DISAPPEARING BACKS.



Quote: David Chapman @ June 13, 2007, 11:03 PM

Shut up and show show us your entry

*lifts skirt to reveal* woooooooooooohooooooooooo :$

What's that? A fish farm I can smell?

So wude. Actually it is 2 day old curry. That stuff gets everywhere. I had a meeting today & all i was thinking was "I am sure there is some rice around my nipple".
Guess what David, there was. On my bed too, right where I put my head.
Pilau Rice. or just incase you didny get it Pilla rice.*Pissing herself laughing or PMSL to the cool dudes*

God how hysterical is that. I AM SOOOOOOOO FOOKING FUNNY WHEN I AM PISSED.
>
>
>
>
>
Not

I'm glad you explained that one Charley.

Quote: David Chapman @ June 13, 2007, 11:03 PM

This is a competition - not a critique as such although it appears under the title. You critiques by voting for your favourite when the competition closes next week.

Incidentally I laughed at the 2 Sheep gag - but then I would.

No comments please !!!!!!!!

Shut up and show show us your entry!!!

I commented only because the poster asked.

OK - but he shouldn't have!

Enter if you wish and at the close make your vote

so do we vote now ?

how do we do it

i was dripping last night

Road-sign: 'SLOW
FARM ANIMALS PLAYING'
The farm animals are playing about in slow motion.

i vote

for micheal monkhouse

simple yet effective

'Ere David, is it nashnull dissleksik week or summink?!!

;)

Quote: Smith Ian @ June 14, 2007, 12:44 PM

i vote

for micheal monkhouse

simple yet effective

Hurrah that's my first vote! Jurassic Park and Bergman movies for all.

Edit:
Wiped it away due to improper formatting.
Skib

Hey Al, good writing, as I might expect (!) ... but a bit over-long, and other than here-and-there-smiley-bits it wasn't enormously funny. It's a kind-of life story, not comedy. But it's nice and clean and IMO it's an easier job to put 'funny' in if you're basically a good writer than it is to be a good writer if your funny. I owe you a PM which I'll try to get around to soonish ... so many things on the go at the moment!

Bugger, just realised I shouldn't have posted that comment until Dave closes the comp. I'm just as dissleksic as a few others apparently!

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