INTERLUDE THREE – TONY'S STAND UP
TONY IS DOING A STAND UP GIG. HE IS ON STAGE IN A DIMLY LIT ROOM.
TONY
I was at the Monster's ball the other day. A good time was had by all … but the Skeleton was nowhere to be seen. Do you know why?
HECKLER
He had no body to go with …
A RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER.
TONY:
No that's just the official line … it's actually because he has a terrible personality disorder. Have you met him? No charisma at all.
DEATHLY SILENCE.
HECKLER
We don't get it!
PEOPLE BOO AND THROW A SERIES OF RIDICULOUS ITEMS AT TONY – a Full English Breakfast, A gas fire and a rhinoceros are amongst the items thrown.
TONY SMILES POLITELY THROUGH THE ABUSE.
SCENE FOUR – AN UNFORTUNATE SERIES OF EVENTS
TONY APPEARS PETRIFIED
BRIAN IS READING A LITTLE PIECE OF PAPER WITH PICTURES OF CHOCOLATES ON IT
BRIAN
Why do they call it a hazelnut surprise? Once you know it's a hazelnut, the element of surprise has gone.
TONY
You would get a surprise if you were allergic to nuts and hadn't read the instructions.
PROFESSOR
Barry is allergic to nuts and he can't read.
BRIAN
He doesn't have a lot of luck does he?
PROFESSOR
In fairness to the lad, they're his only two weaknesses.
SYDNEY
Didn't he have a stroke when he was twenty one?
TONY
Yes he lost the use of his left hand side.
BRIAN
Surely being blind in your right eye and having no use of your left hand side would count as a weakness.
SYDNEY
I bet he's not very good at catch …
TONY
What are your weaknesses, Sydney?
SYDNEY
I'm a poor verbal communicator.
BRIAN
Tony is always catching himself on door handles.
TONY
This is all very depressing. Shall we talk about our amazing powers instead?
A LONG PAUSE. THE MONSTERS STRUGGLE TO THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY
THE PROFESSOR TRIES TO SLYLY GET A RED DRINK FROM THE SIDE OF WHERE HE IS SITTING.
BRIAN
What's that?
PROFESSOR
Nothing.
BRIAN SNATCHES THE GLASS FROM THE PROFESSOR. HE TAKES A SWIG AND THEN SPITS OUT THE CONTENTS … HE SPENDS THE NEXT FEW MOMENTS SHUDDERING AND COUGHING.
BRIAN
Where did you get that from?
SYDNEY
What are those two dots on your neck, Brian?
BRIAN FEELS HIS NECK
BRIAN
Oh for God's sake … that's so annoying! No wonder I've been feeling queasy all day. When did you do this?
PROFESSOR
Relax … I've been off the blood since the late 50s … it was playing havoc with my insides. This is Tomato Juice.
BRIAN
It tastes like Orc shite?
SYDNEY GLARES AT BRIAN.
TONY
It is the foulest drink known to man. Only two types of being living in the world today can stomach it … Vampires and Dot Cotton!
SYDNEY
I wouldn't kick her out of bed.
EVERYONE LOOKS UNEASILY AT SYDNEY
PROFESSOR
(laughs to himself and looks at Brian) … bet you thought we'd forgotten didn't you. You should have seen your face … Happy Birthday Brian!
BRIAN
Thanks. At least we are doing something tonight. So what is your actual part in the movie, Syd?
SYDNEY GETS TO HIS FEET
SYDNEY
Picture the scene … I am the commander of a battalion of Orcs … we have captured two hobbits …
PROFESSOR
What are hobbits?
SYDNEY
Like very small people, but with hairy feet and ‘feelings.' Now I've been given express orders, by Saruman the Wizard, not to kill the hobbits but I'm being put under pressure from the troops, who claim they haven't had any meat in days. One of them attempts to attack a hobbit … so I
SYDNEY TAKES OUT HIS SWORD AND SWINGS IT WILDLY IN THE AIR.
Looks like meat's back on the menu boys !!
THE SOUND OF A HEAD DROPPING AND ROLLING AROUND THE FLOOR, FOLLOWED BY THE SOUND OF A BODY SLUMPING TO THE GROUND.
PROFESSOR
You just killed the invisible man!
SYDNEY
How was I supposed to know he was standing there?
PROFESSOR
Did the fashionable hat not give it away?
SYDNEY
I thought it was decoration. Why would he wear a hat but no clothes?
PROFESSOR
Maybe so people wouldn't chop his head off?
SYDNEY
Well he hasn't said a word all day.
TONY
You would think he'd be more of a conversationalist, to try and compensate for the fact that he's invisible …
PROFESSOR
I said giving the Orc a sword for Christmas was asking for trouble.