Thx all appreciated 
Posties - sitcom/comedy drama .. REWORK
I like it. I'm looking foward to seeing more.
cheers Tommy P 
Good, but again no where near enought to judge if it's part of a sitcom.
Hmm also the one sided phone conversation, is long and feels like filler.
A conversation like that is a great chance to show character traits, give background, even a summation of plot to date.
I like it and would love to see more.
I have to say Random, in answer to your original question I would still advise against it.
Random I think if you've got strong characters, and a strong setting you're not showing us.
Those are the lynchpins of good sitcom, we laugh at funny scenes in sitcoms rarley because they're funny on their own.
It's because we know the people in them, understand them and know them.
sootyj, i understand its hard to base upon with it being only a wee bit
truth be told my intentions are using this as one of (if not the first) opening scene.
i see it as a quick insight in to one of the characters (now) along with a couple of laughs. giving a little of himself up (as ever it will depend (if ever) how it gets acted out) i can see it but you can't give everything on paper... sadly
do agree with maybe having the conversation giving more up
not so sure the one sided conversation is that long, as he's not just stood talking, he's delivering aswell which may include *visual material* not shown.
thx,
thx also BushBaby
marc p 
i had hoped you may of warmed to this slightly... if only very slightly
Quote: random @ September 18 2008, 5:22 PM BSTsootyj, marc p
It's tough love Random!
And it is a marked improvement in the sense we now have a character in it, but...
Write the sitcom fully and come back to this scene, later. If you put this scene as your opening scene your sitcom will be shot down in the water before it's sails even start filling with wind. Trust me.
I'll come back with some more thoughts for you tommorow, but I have been sent out for Creme Fraiche FFS, but I have to pass the pub on the way home so it may take longer than she thinks.
i'm feeling somewhat gutted... but kinda expected!
just hope others may raise my spirits by actually enjoying it
look forward to your thinking.
enjoy your tipple
Its not bad but you could compress what you have written and make it more user friendly.
I'll always remember an episode of 'Rising Damp' in which 'Rigsby' is on the phone with a similar conversation, i.e. Rigsby more or less repeating what the person on the other end is saying. I was surprised that the writer (Eric Chappell) was using such a contrived, often-used method to convey to the audience, when -
Rigsby pauses, looks puzzled and blurts into the phone:
"What do you mean - why am I repeating everything you say?"
_________________________________________________________________
Now THAT worked. Your phone conversation, for me, just grates.
As for the 'rework, well, same as I said previously.
Quote: random @ September 18 2008, 5:24 PM BSTi'm feeling somewhat gutted... but kinda expected!
just hope others may raise my spirits by actually enjoying it
look forward to your thinking.
enjoy your tipple
It will take about six months for the writers room etc to come back and say the same thing or... you can stop it happening before then. Don't be dejected, in real life you only get one chance to make a first impression, but in here you get loads beofre you send it off.
You are feeling gutted perhaps because you tried to keep your babies rather than killing them.. which is understandable. It is very, very hard to be self critical. But think on the odds of getting a Sitcom on the screen versus the number of people trying it!!!! Don't think... but there is lots of crap on the screen mine must be better. Think of the hundreds and hundreds of people who think the same thing and then think why is mine better than theirs... and I'll tell you one thing... it's not in the 'original' concept. Back to the babies and it's all down to execution.
People always say show don't tell. Not in the sitcom. Sitcom, studio based sitcom anyway, is eighty percent dialogue to 20 percent action. And studio sitcom is the funniest. So look at your scene, make it anecdotal in the workplace and character driven and, I reckon, it will be the far, far better for it. There is a crash between reality and comedy reality sometimes and in the sitcom you don't want real reality, as it were, intruding into your created world. The scene could work as you have written it, but not as a first scene, perhaps, and with a bit of work. But hey that's the point of critique if you are unsure.
Also be aware that the first person you have to get past is the jaded reader who is looking for something fresh, funny and original from page one. What you can bring to the idea is your unique take on things - does this scene demonstrate that?
Also if you're writing for TV, wanking will shove you well after the watershed.
It's not a good idea to narrow your audience too early.
I think you've got some great ideas, I think they're also under developed currently, and in need of some more work.
cheers Nigel
Morrace, thx. i can't help but think many one sided phone calls in script form do grate some what but when in action with everything in toe may prove to be some what different... but then again...
thx for your thoughts
Marc P, re: gutted. well feeling gutted but kinda expected just that. i kinda hoped you would of give a wee bit of a thumbs up but did expect not.
i much appreciate your honesty from the word go (as that of others),
i'm more than happy to take it on the chin if its explained why, which you have done
re: the hundreds and hundreds of people
if i think about that too much it'll put me off
cards on table, if i was ever lucky enough to get anywhere with this i'd want it to be filmed on location not studio. plus no laughter track, i seriously don't want to go down that road.
6 x 30mins episodes/ long running storyline thru' out the 6 episodes with 2 arcs (but also being somewhat self contained in their own right)
the 1st page, been pondering that also. unsure with the conversation on the mobi, altho' i like it would it grab or as Morrace said grate!
wanted the first 2 scenes short, introducing a character in each in brief. the third scene introduces the character that sets the storyline up.
with several other scenes behind hopefully packing in for the big 10 page grab. i want the first reader to actually want to turn to the 11th page and read on and on...
i know it may sound obvious, but... 
many thx for your thoughts & input
sootyj, thx for the positives
re: the wanking watershed. i'm seriously not fussed. don't want to sound a nob or anything but (again if it ever comes to anything) i'd expect an after 9pm slot. but thx for raising it.