Got enough positive feedback to suggest people are reading and enjoying these so i'll carry on posting for the moment.
SCENE THREE – TOILET HUMOUR
SYDNEY RE-ENTERS THE ROOM WITH AN EMPTY TOILET ROLL IN HIS HAND
SYDNEY
Who's used all the toilet paper?
ALL EYES ARE ON TONY (his costume has the appearance of somebody wrapped in toilet paper)
TONY
Why does everyone always look at me?
SYDNEY
You are going to have to go to the shop again, Brian.
BRIAN
Can't you improvise for a change? I'm sick of going to the shop every time one of you needs something.
PROFESSOR
I went out to buy a toffee crisp last week: the most under-rated chocolate bar, in my well-paid opinion.
TONY
That can't be true. You couldn't leave the house looking like that …
PROFESSOR
It was very late at night.
BRIAN
Alright then Professor, how much is a toffee crisp these days?
PROFESSOR
Forty Five English Pence
TONY
Ridiculous!
BRIAN
No that is how much they cost these days. Daylight Robbery, I know. So what did the shopkeeper say when he saw a vampire with a toffee crisp at his counter?
PROFESSOR
He said … ‘Forty Five Pence please.'
THE PROFESSOR LAUGHS AND IS JOINED BY HIS FELLOW MONSTERS. BRIAN IS NOT AMUSED.
TONY
There you go Sydney … improvise! Take a leaf out of the Professor's book …
SYDNEY WALKS OVER TO THE PROFESSOR AND PICKS UP A COPY OF HIS NOVEL. HE RIPS A SHEET OUT OF THE NOVEL AND GOES TO LEAVE THE ROOM FOR A SECOND TIME.
PROFESSOR
Not literally you filthy Orc! That's an award winning novel!
THE PROFESSOR PULLS AN ENORMOUS TROPHY FROM HIS TROUSERS AND SHOWS IT AROUND THE ROOM
BRIAN SNATCHES THE AWARD.
BRIAN
The Drunken Badger, Best Fancy Dress Costume, Halloween 1977.
PROFESSOR
When did you learn to read? What else have you read that might incriminate me?
THE PROFESSOR SHAKES HIS FIST AT BRIAN
BRIAN SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS.
SYDNEY
What did you go as?
PROFESSOR
Elton ‘F**king' John – What do you think I went as!?
SYDNEY LEAVES QUIETLY WITH THE BOOK PAGE STILL IN HIS HAND.
THE PROFESSOR LIFTS OUT A BIG TUB OF CADBURY'S ROSES AND PASSES THEM TO BRIAN
While the Orc is away …
BRIAN
So who's coming tonight?
A VISUAL OF THE CHARACTERS APPEARS (BARRY IS A ZOMBIE WITH AN EYE PATCH.)
PROFESSOR
Wilma the Western Witch, Claudius the Cerebral Cyclops and the(slight pause in search of appropriate word) Twat …
TONY
Bit harsh.
BRIAN
He is a twat though. I bet he only wears that eye patch for aesthetic purposes …
PROFESSOR
That's not quite true.
THE OTHERS LEAN IN
PROFESSOR
When Barry was at university he fell in with a terrible crowd …
BRIAN
Hang on … Barry the Zombie went to university?
PROFESSOR –
(patronising) Relax … It was only a hair and beauty course.
BRIAN
(outraged) Hair and Beauty? He's the living dead.
SYDNEY RE-ENTERS THE ROOM
TONY
(whispers) You may need to suspend your disbelief a little for this story.
PROFESSOR
Anyway, he started going out with the rugby boys and before long he found himself blind drunk down Mugger's Alley and the rest writes itself.
TONY
They really should rename that alley. It encourages crime if anything …
SYDNEY
Did a mugger scoop his eye out with a rusty spoon?
PROFESSOR
No … the rugby boys challenged Barry to a seedy game. Each contestant had to project their
THE PROFESSOR SIGNALS TOWARD HIS GENITALS
bodily fluid onto the nearest wall …
TONY
Old Wanker's wall?
PROFESSOR
That's the one. The person who made the highest mark would be the winner. Now Barry is not as stupid as his vacant expression and basic understanding of the English language would indicate. He is marginally more intelligent … and decided he would aim his (the professor signals toward his genitals again.)
TONY
Penii
BRIAN
Penii?
TONY
Yes it's the plural of penis.
BRIAN
Do Zombies have two penises?
TONY
Penii!
PROFESSOR
No no no … it's a Cyclops that has two penii … to compensate for his missing eye. Claude has two… I've seen them. Very impressive.
TONY
Barry only has one working eye.
PROFESSOR
Yes, but if you'll let me finish this tragic story you'll see that Barry's condition was self-inflicted, unlike Claude who was born with one eye … and of course two penii.
SYDNEY
What does he use them for?
PROFESSOR
Do you know, I've never asked him. That's a talking point for when he arrives … Anyhow, Barry aimed vertically for a better trajectory. But it wasn't happening for him.
TONY
He's never been good under pressure.
PROFESSOR
He looked down to investigate the problem and the inevitable happened.
BRIAN
He shot himself in the eye?
PROFESSOR
Precisely … and apparently that literally makes you go blind.
TONY
That story didn't really write itself, Professor. It took quite a sinister turn …
SYDNEY
I didn't see that coming.
TONY
Nor did Barry … (aside) so many levels … I should write these down.
A CLOSE UP OF TONY. THE INTERLUDE SHOWS ONE OF HIS PIPE DREAMS BEING CRUSHED.