The Humblebys (radio pilot)

I posted the start to this a while ago.

It's about a veterinarian city-boy who moved to the country with his family. I am going for a Outside Edge/Archers kinda feel.

Let me know of any suggestions to make it better.

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SCENE 1. HUMBLEBY FARM EXTERIOR
F/X:CAR PULLING UP, DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
CROFT:Good evening, Mr Humbleby.

HUMBLEBY: Evenin' Jeff. I know it's short notice and all, but it is rather urgent.

CROFT:What seems to be the problem?

HUMBLEBY: My wedding ring's got lost somewhere up Bessie's arse.

CROFT:Ah, right. That is quite a predicament. Ok, take me to Bessie and I'll rummage around in there and try to find it.

F/XQUELCH NOISES, FOLLOWED BY COW MOOING

CROFT:There's a good girl. (BEAT) How come you had your hand in there?

HUMBLEBY:I was helping her through labour.

CROFT:Are you sure?

HUMBLEBY:Well I wasn't bobbing for apples, was I!

CROFT:It's just...there doesn't seem to be any signs of a recent pregnancy.

HUMBLEBY:What are you implying, croft?

CROFT:Hey, I just do my job and go home. No questions asked.

HUMBLEBY:Because there are no questions that need asking.

CROFT:Exactly.

HUMBLEBY:Right. Good.
:

SCENE 2. CROFT HOUSEHOLD

F/XOOR OPENING

JOANNE:What were you up to last night?

CROFT:Humbleby called me out to – would you believe – remove his wedding ring from a cow's backside.

JOANNE:He's such an odd fellow.

CROFT:Yeah, I just wish he'd be more careful with where he shoves his hands. We had to put Bessie down in the end.

TOMMYut her down where, daddy?

CROFT:You see, son, when daddy ‘puts down' an animal, he gently sends it off to heaven.

TOMMYo all animals go to heaven?

CROFT:Yes, of course they do. Well, except for that monkey at Knowsley Safari Park who half-inched my wing-mirror.

TOMMY:Where did he go?

CROFTMATTER OF FACTLY) He's currently rotting in hell.

TOMMY:Will I go to heaven one day?

CROFTnly if you brush your teeth and get ready for school. Come on, chop-chop.

F/XOUND OF RUNNING UPSTAIRS

JOANNE:Jeffery! Can you not blackmail our child, please?

CROFT:It's alright. He doesn't know what is going on. (BEAT) I'm going to pick up the paper. Are you ok walking Tom to school?

JOANNE:I suppose so.

CROFT:I'm meeting Terry for a quick 9 holer, but I should be back in time to pick him up.

JOANNE:Can you get some petrol while you're out?

CROFT:Will do. See you later. (KISSES JOANNE)

SCENE 3. LOCAL SHOP

MR SIMMONDS: Mornin' veterinary.

CROFT:Morning Mr Simmonds. Christ, when did Mars Bars go up from 25 to 38p?

SIMMONDS: Are you in some kind of financial trouble down at the practice?

CROFT:What? No! It was just one of those reflective, ‘back in my day' comments you say – to make conversation.

SIMMONDS: I heard you were round Humbleby's late last night.

CROFT:Word certainly travels fast in this town.

SIMMONDS: Rumour has it he's buggering his cows.

CROFT:Well, I wouldn't know anything about that. Can I just get a copy of The Mail and this Mars Duo, please?

SIMMONDS: That'll be £1:40.

F/XOUND OF CASH REGISTER

CROFT:No, no, keep the change.

SIMMONDS: Say hi to Joanne for me.

F/XOUND OF DOOR OPENING AND BELL RINGING ON TOP OF DOOR

MRS HUMBLEBYSHOUTS) Mr Croft!

CROFTSIGHS) Hello, Mrs Humbleby.

MRS HUMBLEBY:I just want to thank you for finding my husband's ring. He'd lose that head of his if it wasn't screwed on properly.

CROFT:Well, that would certainly be uncomfortable for the cow.

MRS HUMBLEBY:What do you mean?

CROFTh...never mind. I'm just sorry I couldn't save Bessie.

MRS HUMBLEBY:Yes, she was a good cow.

CROFT:And how is Mr Humbleby? He seemed pretty upset when I left.

MRS HUMBLEBY:You know what he's like.

CROFT:Yeah. (BEAT) Anyway, I best be off.

MRS HUMBLEBYne more thing. We'd like to invite you and Mrs Croft round for dinner on Friday, as a proper thank-you.

CROFT:Ah, we're actually busy on Friday. We're (THINKING) going to Joanne's parent's house. Yes, that's it.

MRS HUMBLEBY:How about Saturday?

CROFT:We're going for the weekend.

MRS HUMBLEBY:Monday?

CROFT:It's for a long weekend.

MRS HUMBLEBY:Tuesday?

CROFTPAINED) Fine. Yes, Tuesday should be fine.

MRS HUMBLEBY:I'll let you get off. See you on Tuesday.

CROFT:Yeah...great.

SCENE 4. WOODHOUSE GOLF COURSE

TERRY:FORE!

CROFT:Bloody hell, Terry. Can you stop shanking all your shots? We're running out of spare balls.

TERRY:These old farts could do with a smack on the head to wake them up.

CROFT:Just watch it. Some of those are valued customers – with lots of sick animals.

TERRYod ‘em. Anyway, how are things between you and Jo?

CROFT:Not bad. We're just stuck in a rut.

TERRY:That's because we actually live in a rut. You ever considered going back to the city?

CROFT:Well, yeah, we did talk --

TERRYINTERRUPTING) Can you pass me the 5 iron.

CROFT:We talked about it. But it's not viable right now, economically.

F/XOUND OF GOLF BALL BEING HIT, PEOPLE IN THE DISTANCE SHOUTING

TERRYoh, shit – Sorry! Seriously, Jeff, what is wrong with these damn balls?

CROFT:You know, if we were actually playing on hole 14 right now, that would have been a great shot.

TRRRY:My game needs Titleists – It thrives on them.

CROFT:Hey, guess who me and Jo are having a meal with next Tuesday?

TERRY:Who?

CROFT:You know the farmer at the end of my road in the big house?

TERRYh, yeah, Mr Hubleweed?

CROFT:Humbleby.

TERRY:That's it. Which reminds me...what did you do to his cows?

CROFT:What? How did you know I did anything with his cows?

TERRY:It's talk of the town, mate. You've got nicknames and everything.

CROFT:Nicknames? Like what?

TERRYff the top of my head...'Dr Death', ‘the young adventures of Dr
Death', ‘the black plague'...

CROFT:The black plague?! Come on.

TERRYon't shoot the messenger.

CROFTANGRILY) I just know that it's Humbleby spreading them all – the vindictive bastard.

TERRY:Well why are you having a meal with him then?

CROFT:His wife cornered me at the shop. She kept throwing out different nights, and there was only so far I could stretch out a visit to Jo's parents.

TERRYh, are you actually going to visit her parents?

CROFTear god, no! We'll just roll the car into the garage, out of sight, and keep a low profile for a few days.

TERRYPAUSE) Wow. What a life you lead.

CROFTathetic, isn't it? And I'm supposed to be a pillar of the community. What are you up to this weekend?

TERRY:Well, I've got to do a wedding Saturday and Mass on Sunday. But, apart from that, I'm pretty much free.

CROFT:We'll finish the back nine on Sunday afternoon. Right, give me a wedge. I'm sinking this bad boy.

SCENE 5. CROFT HOUSEHOLD

F/XOUND OF KEYS IN DOOR

CROFT:Jo?

JOANNEOFF) In the kitchen.

TOMMY:Mummy!

JOANNE:There's my special little man.

CROFT:What about your special big man?

JOANNE:I snuck him out the bedroom window five minutes ago.

CROFT:How long have you been saving that line?

JOANNEid you have a good day at school?

TOMMY:We did our five times tables.

CROFT:You got a gold star, didn't you Tom?

TOMMY:Mrs Thomas said I was the best.

JOANNE:Well, aren't you clever!

CROFT:Test him.

JOANNE:Test him?

CROFTn his five times table.

JOANNE:He's had it all day at school.

CROFT:Come on. We were doing it in the car on the way back. He likes the challenge.

JOANNEk. You ready, Tommy? Six times by five!

TOMMYTHINKING) Twenty?

CROFT:No. Six times five.
TOMMYTHINKING) Twenty five?

CROFT:Think about it.

JOANNE:Jeff, he's tired.

CROFT:He'll get it...

TOMMY:Twenty six?

CROFT:They're all multiples of five!

TOMMY: .....

CROFT(SIGHS) Just go get ready for dinner.

F/X:TOMMY RUNS UPSTAIRS

That Mrs Thomas is obviously very generous with her ‘gold stars'.

JOANNE:You put too much pressure on that boy. That is why he's still wetting the bed.

CROFTressure keeps the mind focused.

JOANNE:How much petrol did you get?

CROFT:Ah, I forgot. Sorry.

JOANNE:I asked you to do one thing...

CROFT:Actually, you said ‘can you get petrol AND pick up Tom'. Would you rather I'd have brought back a Jerry can in the front seat instead?

JOANNESIGHS) Give me the keys.

CROFT:No, no – I'll go now. One more thing: we have to have dinner at the Humbleby's next Tuesday.

JOANNE:Excuse me?

CROFT:What?

JOANNE:You know I do yoga on Tuesdays.

CROFTh, yeah. Damn.

JOANNE:It's a bit of a random night for a dinner, isn't it? Why not this weekend instead?

CROFT:Because we're on a fake trip to your parent's house this weekend.

JOANNEPAUSE) We're not going on Tuesday.

CROFT:But I don't have any other windows!

JOANNE:Ring them and say we will be there on Friday or not at all.

CROFT:But I said --

JOANNEINTERRUPTING) JUST...Do it.

CROFT:Fine. I'll do it when I get back.

SCENE 6. CAR RIDE TO DINNER

CROFT:Remember, we're like the SAS tonight: in and out before they know what the hell is going on.

JOANNE:What is your problem with these people?

CROFT:His wife is ok, I suppose. We just have the most awkward, stilted conversations.

JOANNE:Maybe that's your fault.

CROFT:You're right. I just can't talk to old people – kids and old people. I always end up patronising them.

JOANNEerhaps it wasn't the smartest idea to move to a countryside which is full of them, then.

CROFT:That's the way the cookie crumbles.

JOANNE:You do realise that we'll be ‘old people' soon.

CROFT:Exactly. And I fully expect the youth of tomorrow to continue my legacy.

JOANNE:Maybe tomorrow's youth won't be as...socially inadequate as you are.

CROFT:We're all socially inadequate. Those that aren't are just frauds.

JOANNE:Am I a fraud?

CROFTPAUSE) Right, here we are!

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The meal at the Humbleby's will be the final scene. Don't know what happened with the formatting in a couple of the scenes.

i enjoyed some of your pilot very much. a couple of the characters (mainly the first two) really stood out and some of the lines (e.g. the monkey going to hell) were superb.

its good radio comedy. the only thing i'd say is that there were some bits were nothing funny was said for quite some time (this isn't a reflection on your jokes ... as you weren't trying to be funny with the lines in question.)

radio comedy/situation comedy doesn't have to be gag upon gag upon gag but you don't want to take too long between each big laugh. especially not with the style you have adopted.

things are picking up on this forum though ... interested to see the last scene.

Thanks for your comment. I did another radio pilot (a spy spoof) that was joke after joke, and i think the characters got lost somewhere along the way. I've tried to make this more of a slow-burner, and establish some believable figures. It's just hard sometimes to strike a balance between naturalistic dialogue and 'jokes'. I will punch it up with some more funny lines when i think of them.

You've got some good characters and some good lines.

I loved the first 2 scenes.

But the others are a bit machinegun banter.

Lots of short lines with lots of quick gags, and only a small amount of information.

Slow it down, have some longer speaches and build characters more and you'll be onto a winner.

I'd build Mrs Thomas, into a real character you never meet.