INTERLUDE ONE – THE PASSING OF TIME
INTERLUDE – INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY.
{{{The sound of the Beatles "In my Life".
On a table, a pictorial calendar. The year, 2000. The month, January. Above the matrix of dates, a photograph of Brian having his nappy changed by the Professor.
A hand tears away the page. Underneath, another page. The year, 2000. The month, February. Above the matrix of dates, a photograph of Brian watching the Lion King with a teary eyed Sydney.
The page is torn away, more quickly this time, revealing yet another month and another photo - Tony wearing an apron and a chef's hat to cook Brian a fish finger sandwich. More and more pages, more and more photos, faster and faster, becoming a blur, until... May 2008 – Brian as he is today.}}}
SCENE TWO – BRIAN'S COMING OF AGE
THE PROFESSOR IS POISED BEHIND THE DOOR.
SYDNEY AND TONY ARE SEATED ON ONE OF THE SOFAS.
PROFESSOR
Where is Brian? I've been standing here for two hours now … I want to give him the fright of his life!
SYDNEY
He went to pick up the film after school. Have you bought him something this year?
PROFESSOR
You know that's not the monster way. We will do what we do every year and play a series of birthday tricks on him … each more deadly than the last …
TONY
How many times professor? We are not "monsters," we are socially challenged beings.
PROFESSOR
Its political nonsense! They won't categorise me with their long words and fancy suits … I know what I am!
THE PROFESSOR TAKES A SEAT
SYDNEY
But Brian isn't socially challenged – he's "normal." Maybe he'd prefer a scalextric?
TONY
… Or a nice gateau?
PROFESSOR
I don't think so …
TONY
I've been meaning to mention something to you both about Brian …
THE PROFESSOR HOLDS HIS HAND TO HIS EAR AND LEANS IN.
He is experiencing certain "unfamiliar changes" on account of his "coming of age". We need to be a little sensitive to his needs. He might not appreciate it being brought up, so it's probably best if we don't mention anything to him.
SYDNEY
Discretion is my middle name. I'm just going to "the little Orc's room"
TONY NODS APPRECIATING SYDNEY'S SUBTLETY. SYDNEY STANDS UP AND LEAVES THE ROOM.
… That Chicken Korma has gone straight through me.
TONY SHAKES HIS HEAD.
TONY
Someone's a bit nervous I think …
PROFESSOR
What?
TONY
… The film tonight. One of the characters is based on him. He's mentioned it several times already today.
PROFESSOR
I tend to switch off when the Orc starts flapping his ulcerated gums …
TONY
You are too harsh on him. He has a lot to aspire to … living with a published author …
TONY PULLS OUT A BOOK WITH THE PROFESSOR'S PICTURE ON THE FRONT.
PROFESSOR
Stop it … you're embarrassing me!
THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT, BRIAN ENTERS AND SITS DOWN WITH A SHOPPING BAG IN HIS HAND.
TONY
Brian … how was your day? What did they teach you?
BRIAN
Suffragettes.
TONY
Oh dear. The professor was very much opposed to that at the time.
PROFESSOR
I still am. Women getting the vote … What next? Gays walking the streets without shackles? Chimps on the moon? …
TONY
They did actually send a monkey to the moon.
BRIAN
Don't talk daft. Why would they do that?
TONY
Well I don't think it was because he was the most qualified! I think he was sent to test if mammals could cope with the conditions. They sent a dog too.
BRIAN
That's nice – at least he had some company for the journey. The monkey would drive and the dog would navigate, I imagine.
PROFESSOR
Poppycock! How would a dog communicate directions to a monkey?
BRIAN
He probably just pointed.
PROFESSOR
Oh yes and when was the last time you saw a dog pointing? Or reading a map for that matter? The dog was probably a token gesture; making the tea and doing the occasional bit of filing, I suppose.
TONY
Sorry to disappoint you but "they" didn't send the dog and the monkey together. The "they" we keep referring to are the American Government and they sent Gordo the monkey to the moon to test whether or not he could withstand the conditions. However, they forgot to plan for his journey back and Gordo died on re-entry into the Earth's atmosphere; he and his rocket plummeted into the Atlantic Ocean.
SHARP PAUSE.
BRIAN
So did he have a spacesuit?
A CLOSE UP OF BRIAN. THE INTERLUDE IS A GLIMPSE INTO HIS PSYCHE.
INTERLUDE TWO – GORDO THE ASTRONAUT MONKEY
{{{A short cartoon about Gordo, the astronaut monkey, which is currently being produced.
The story is the same as the one Tony told, except that Gordo does have the company of a dog on his journey. The dog is clearly directing the monkey by pointing toward the moon.
Gordo does not die at the end of the story. Instead, he holds his breath during re-entry into the earth's atmosphere, survives, swims to safety and lives a happy life running a cocktail bar, with the aforementioned dog, in Hawaii.}}}
