Barbar Shop

Sorry if the writing is not correct i'm really up on the proper script format

Barbers shop (Sign outside says Barbarshop)
Man leaving shop woth very very long hair
Owner Mr Kuf
Assistant Miss Fatful (Big Girl)

INT
Mr Kuf is just finishing a hair cut, miss Fullfat is sweeping the floor (Floor is covered in piles of sheep's wool)

MR KUF
Miss Fatful can you finish the back off for me i need to go to the loo. Sorry about this sir i had a vindaloo last night and it feels like my spine is falling out.

MISS FATFUL
Yes Mr Fuk

MR KUF
Its Kuf! Kuf! how many times, Would you like me to start calling you FulFat.

(Walking off to the toilet holding his hand under his bum)

(Miss Fatful places a white towel around customers neck and tucks it into his gown and starts trimming the back of his hair with a cut throat razor,

(Loud straining noises coming from toilet)

MISS FATFUL
Don't worry sir i haven't slipped yet

(Saying that she slips and cuts his neck, blood pouring everywhere)

(Customer jumps up holding neck)

CUSTOMER
What the bloody hell

MISS FATFUL
I'm sorry it just slipped (shouting & screaming ) Mr Kuf Mr Kuf Help

(Mr Kuf runs into the room trouser half down and toilet roll hanging out)

MR KUF
What the hell

MISS FATFUL
I'm sorry Mr Kuf i slipped

(Customer running around blood pouring out)

MR KUF

Quick fetch me a towel

(Miss FATFUL hands him towel)
( Mr Kuf walks passed customer and starts wiping blood off the windows.

MR KUF
We only had the window cleaned yesterday

(Mr Kuf's coat hanging up with blood on it He takes coat)

MR Kuf
OH no my coat has well

(The customer drops to the flow covered in blood)

MR KUF
Miss Fatful quick the phone

MISS FATFUL
Yes i'll call an ambulance

MR KUF
No phone the dry cleaners i'm wearing this jacket tonight.

END

There's a good sketch in there. The heartless barber who cares only for his dry cleaned jacket is a good sketch, or dropped in scene for a sitcom.

But the silly names and bum jokes are a bit random, they add nothing in my view.

Sorry, is this an excerpt or a stand alone sketch?

If it is a sketch, then presumably the idea behind the sketch is in the pay-off about the dry-cleaners. So the question is, what does all the business about Mr Kuf and Miss Fatful have to do with that?

So, does it have anything to do with elephants?

Yes, I was disappointed by the lack of pachyderms.

Ooh some one had a nice childhood, Barbar books!

I still have them! They are teh awesome.

You ever read The Uncle Books? Similar but rather more violent, they're Neil Gaimans favorites. I aim to get a full set, and use them to bend him to my will.

Ooh, no I haven't.

Hi Lee.

Found it a bit confused in the sense of wordplay/gross comedy. Whilst I prefer wordplay personally, feel this sketch hinges on the visuals and Mr Kuf being an unsympathetic mean character.

If it's part of a series, then fine, if it's a standalone sketch I'd be tempted to give a reason as to why he might want to wear his jacket tonight, e.g. at the beginning, he's getting a haircut before going to the Proms with the Mrs.

Just needs to find a balance between the nastiness and the comedy, which for me is mainly nastiness at present.
Maybe as Sooty mentioned, this might be achieved by distracting Mr Kuf another way, other than basic toilet humour, e.g. basic phone call humour, e.g. with the wife phoning him to tell him to wear his smart jacket.

As to formatting, the "norm" here seems to put the directions/descriptions of scenes/events in capitals

Churchillian twist though: from "blood, sweat and tears" to: "Blood, Sh*t and Shears".

Well you never can please everyone all the time, Maybe the names need to go but i quite like it.

Lee

As long as the audience knows their actual names, it should be recognisable. Ah, I see you introduced Ms Fatful's name in the first line.

Ok, I might be wrong but - davidmoreton?

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/7954

e.g. 'Yes Mr Fuk'

Quote: Rob0 @ September 14 2008, 1:09 AM BST

Do you have a photographic memory Morrace? Just seem to have an encyclopaedic knowledge and recollection of things

View original

And who might you be?

Oop, saw your avatar. That explains that

Hi Morrace
If you are asking have i copied that name from someone then no i have not i only just joined this site and can't even see it on the link.
May not be every ones taste but i like to put the little twist in like the sheeps wool and man leaving with long hair
Cheers
Lee