Bulls Eye.

Husband & Wife coming out of the pub, decide to have a go at sex outside to relive their youth.

Husband
What about the park.

Wife
Yeah! Good thinking Fatman. Your son uses that. Lets help his arse career off the slippery slide and end up stuck to the swing. Eeeeeer.(shudders)

Husband
I know lets go down that alley near your mothers house.

Wife
(Shocked)What the one that her bedroom window overlooks. Yea! We can wave at her while we are banging. away. “Hey Ma look at your daughter.”. She would burst with pride.

Husband
The field round the back of the pub.

Wife
What the one owned by the crazy bull.

Husband
It will be sleeping.

Wife
Oh Right Sir David Attenborough. I did not realise Bulls slept at specific times..

Husband
I know Dale. & Carols Shed. It’s never locked.

Wife
Are you mad. You want us to break into our friend’s garden.

Husband
I will ring Dale first and get the ok.

Wife.
F**koff. I am not letting Dale know we are going into his shed for a good ol thrashing. That man is a right old perv. He will be there with his camcorder. I will end up on some blue movie with a lawn mower up my arse showing off both my twats. Your one of the twats Dear, just incase you missed that.

Husband
You pick somewhere then.

Wife
I am not in the mood now. Your willingness to flaunt our activities in our childs playground, or in front of my mother, our friends & a crazy bull have put me right off.

Husband.
Our garage.

Wife
Hmmm! Yes that could work.

Cut to the garage door being opened and the naked image of a couple having sex over their

Wife
Mum! Dad!

Just as their eyes adjust they see a naked cameraman and a happy faced bull with a naked, all except for a cowboy hat, woman on top, holding the horns

Wife
Dale! Carol!

Husband
The field it is then Love.

Sorry Charley. I think you rushed it a bit - so I've heard.

A bit confusing. Needs a complete rewrite.

0/10

OOOOOOOooooooops! Not good then. Oh well My scrap pile doth claims more waste. Cheers hun.xx

I think it could work with a rewrite. I was struggling a bit but when I got to the last line it clicked.

It's really great when creativity is flowing but you have to give your work more time. I think you've got a good style but you've really got to be more disciplined, abandon the scattergun approach and be more specific.

I think it's a given that your writing is regarded quite highly so you have nothing to prove in that direction but be that as it may, now is when you have to apply self-discipline if you're really going to develop as a writer.

Quote: Baumski @ June 13, 2007, 10:43 AM

It's really great when creativity is flowing but you have to give your work more time. I think you've got a good style but you've really got to be more disciplined, abandon the scattergun approach and be more specific.

I think it's a given that your writing is regarded quite highly so you have nothing to prove in that direction but be that as it may, now is when you have to apply self-discipline if you're really going to develop as a writer.

View original

I don't wish to be unduly negative but I disagree with your take on Charley's writing. Some may regard it highly but - I suspect - that is not a view that would be held among professionals.
In my opinion, the scene descriptions are poorly written, the dialogue is expository and unrealistic, and the subject matter is not particularly funny.
I am frequently surprised by the number of prospective writers who don't believe it is necessary to grasp the basics of the English language.
It is important to be realistic when assessing work.

Alan Alan Alan. I am an amateur who writes things mainly for myself. I dont give a shit if my stuff stays stored on a CD for all eterninty & disregarded as poop by professionals. You constantly take the time to read my stuff and comment so to me thats cool. I do something for you Alan you keep coming back for more. I think you love me. You do dont you. I can feel it.

Quote: Alan Alexander @ June 13, 2007, 1:00 PM

In my opinion, the scene descriptions are poorly written, the dialogue is expository and unrealistic, and the subject matter is not particularly funny.
I am frequently surprised by the number of prospective writers who don't believe it is necessary to grasp the basics of the English language.
It is important to be realistic when assessing work.

View original

My comments were specifically directed towards those within the BSG who treat Charley with much regard and affection. And while I may agree with your comments about the basic rule of thumb about writing, sometimes it isn't too helpful to go in with such a high and mighty attitude. Assessing work does require honesty but it also needs to be delivered with humility and understanding.

I have this amazing friend. Every day she takes her amazing brain & her beautiful hands that save lives, into work with her. I love her she is wonderful. You know who you are, you lurk here on occasions, when you have time. Now time is the point I am making. This truly fabulous woman works a 60+ hour week she barely has time for anything.
Anyway. My perfect friend has this weird flaw. Its her THING with Eastenders. She whines about the acting, moans about the scipts harps on all the time about it. Yet 2 hours of her busy busy week are taken up watching it. WHY????????
Why does she do that. Bother wasting her precious time, on something she clearly hates.
I love you Hun, you know it drives me crazy.

Edited for a ps.

PS. Sorry to use you to make a point. Now get back to work you gorgeous person.
PPS. We can call it quits now Hun for the food poisoning episode.

Quote: Alan Alexander @ June 13, 2007, 1:00 PM

I don't wish to be unduly negative but I disagree with your take on Charley's writing. Some may regard it highly but - I suspect - that is not a view that would be held among professionals.
In my opinion, the scene descriptions are poorly written, the dialogue is expository and unrealistic, and the subject matter is not particularly funny.
I am frequently surprised by the number of prospective writers who don't believe it is necessary to grasp the basics of the English language.
It is important to be realistic when assessing work.

View original

There is a feel (???) to Charley's work which seems quite unique. Yes - maybe she could do with some touching up every so often before presenting her output to the masses - but here is just a critique. It isn't presented to prospective producers etc (is it?).

Anyway - before she presents it I'm quite happy to mould her output - if she wants me to.

Quote: David Chapman @ June 13, 2007, 2:50 PM

There is a feel (???) to Charley's work which seems quite unique. Yes - maybe she could do with some touching up every so often before presenting her output to the masses - but here is just a critique. It isn't presented to prospective producers etc (is it?).

Anyway - before she presents it I'm quite happy to mould her output - if she wants me to.

View original

You hit the nail on the head - this thread is for critiques. For a critique to be of any value, it must be honest.
If Charley or anyone else wants to take the step forward from writing for fellow amateurs to writing for prospective producers, it is at this stage that frank criticism is essential.
I know there's a nice pally attitude round here and have no desire simply to cause offence, but I do think it is important to be honest in analysing work presented for that purpose.

Quote: David Chapman @ June 13, 2007, 2:50 PM

maybe she could do with some touching up every so often

View original

Quote: charley rance @ June 13, 2007, 1:11 PM

Alan Alan Alan. I am an amateur who writes things mainly for myself. I dont give a shit if my stuff stays stored on a CD for all eterninty & disregarded as poop by professionals. You constantly take the time to read my stuff and comment so to me thats cool. I do something for you Alan you keep coming back for more. I think you love me. You do dont you. I can feel it.

View original

I'm afraid you are misreading the situation.

Quote: Alan Alexander @ June 13, 2007, 3:05 PM

You hit the nail on the head - this thread is for critiques. For a critique to be of any value, it must be honest.
If Charley or anyone else wants to take the step forward from writing for fellow amateurs to writing for prospective producers, it is at this stage that frank criticism is essential.
I know there's a nice pally attitude round here and have no desire simply to cause offence, but I do think it is important to be honest in analysing work presented for that purpose.

View original

But as I said before the range of comedy is so vast. You said you don''t like Bottom (the TV show - I don't know about anything else) and Charley's have a similar feel (???)

So I'm sure that there is someone there who would take her bits and would like to use them.

Quote: Alan Alexander @ June 13, 2007, 3:06 PM

I'm afraid you are misreading the situation.

View original

Nope Its love alright. Pure Lurrrrrrrrrrve