Multi-Tasking - First 10 Pages

Right. After some editing and a font size change, this is actually only the first 6 pages. MORE IMPORTANTLY, I have added the next 6 pages further down the thread.

SCENE ONE

F/X: PHONE RINGING AND BEING ANSWERED

KAREN:
Hello, Dan Slab Investigations. Karen speaking, how may I help you?

F/X: INDECIPHERABLE BABBLING ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE

KAREN:
(CHEERY) Oh, hello again. Your wife’s a slut!

F/X: ANGRY BABBLING ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE

KAREN:
(SQUEAK) I’m so sorry! Did I say that out loud?

F/X: INDECIPHERABLE BABBLING ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE

KAREN:
No, I told you before - he’s an investigative journalist, not a private detective. I suppose he might want to do an exposé if she was shagging one of the Tweenies or something. I don’t suppose…?

F/X: INDECIPHERABLE BABBLING ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE

KAREN:
Her ice-skating instructor? (BEAT) You could try Graham Norton – I’m sure he’d be interested in doing ‘Faithless Sluts On Ice’.

F/X: ANGRY BABBLING ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE

KAREN:
(CHEERY) Okay, bye!

F/X: PHONE BEING PUT DOWN
F/X: DOOR OPENING

DAN:
Morning Karen. Do you want an ice lolly? I bought it by mistake.

KAREN:
Hi Dan. Ooh, a Mini-Milk, thanks! That man just phoned again.

DAN:
Is his wife still a slut?

KAREN:
Sounds like it. He found a used condom in their bed.

DAN:
A cheating harlot and bad at housework - reminds me of my third wife, the French maid strip-a-gram. Very enthusiastic about sleeping with drunken stag parties but she never did work out how to use that feather duster. (PAUSE) Is he sure it wasn’t one of his own condoms?

KAREN:
He said it was a different flavour to the ones he uses. (BEAT) I’ve managed to line you up a few volunteers for your gravity investigation. Did you get the insurance sorted out?

DAN:
No, they’re only students. The insurance company said it would be funnier to just let them die… as long as they’ve all signed their disclaimers.

KAREN:
They’ve signed. They want a copy of the footage for their Big Brother audition tapes to show how zany they are though.

DAN:
If my calculations are correct, they’ll probably end up in the lake so they’ll be safe enough as long as they can swim. Besides, they’re students; the fresh air and an impromptu bath might do them some good.

KAREN:
Are you really going ahead with this? Most reporters covering gravity would investigate the history of the subject, current scientific theories, cutting edge research, that sort of thing.

DAN:
Most journalists wouldn’t know an interesting angle if it bit them on the arse.

KAREN:
UNDER HER BREATH) Most journalists actually sell some of their stories…

DAN:
Eh?

KAREN:
I’ll go get the coffees.

SCENE TWO

TONY:
(MUTTERING TO HIMSELF ANGRILY) Stupid bloody woman with her stupid bloody ears. I hope someone stabs her to death in her sleep and…

F/X: SHOP DOOR OPENING

KAREN:
Morning Tony. Two cappuccinos to take away please.

TONY:
(CHEERY) Certainly madam. Chocolate sprinkles on top?

KAREN:
Yes please!

TONY:
(CHEERY) Very good.

ATMOS: COFFEE MACHINE NOISES

TONY:
(UNDER HIS BREATH, ANGRILY) I’d like to sprinkle arsenic on it and set fire to your head you stupid, hateful…

KAREN:
Lovely weather today. I wish I had some sunglasses.

TONY:
(CHEERY) Why can’t you wear sunglasses? The weird ears?

KAREN:
What? What’s wrong with my ears? No, I just left them at home.

TONY:
(UNDER HIS BREATH, ANGRILY) I’d like to rip your arms off, stick them in your bizarre ears and….

KAREN:
Did you do anything nice at the weekend?

END ATMOS

TONY:
(CHEERY) Yes, I met a lovely woman who I’m hoping to see again; we really hit it off. (BEAT) Here you go - two cappuccinos. That’ll be five pound twenty please.

KAREN:
Thanks Tony. Good luck with your new lady friend!

TONY:
(UNDER HIS BREATH, ANGRILY) At least her ears are normal, you mutant.

F/X: SHOP DOOR CLOSING

TONY:
(BARELY ABLE TO CONTAIN HIS RAGE) I hate you so much!

SCENE THREE

ATMOS: STREET NOISES

TIM:
Owen, I am NOT going to help you steal a skip! What are you going to do with it?

OWEN:
I’m going to rent it out. When they’ve finished with it, I’ll rent another skip, empty this one into it and get them to dispose of the waste. I collect the skip rental while someone else gets rid of the rubbish. It’s genius.

TIM:
But you can’t even work out how to steal it in the first place.

OWEN:
I can borrow a trailer from a friend. I just need a way to get the skip onto it and you’re good at boring nerdy stuff like details.

TIM:
Just don’t expect me to help with the actual stealing. I’m always dropping the soap in the shower, there’s no way I’m going to do time.

OWEN:
If you work out a way for me to get it onto the trailer, I’ll buy you a few pints or something. Look, someone’s even dumped a load of paint tins in it so I can repaint it before hiring it out.

TIM:
You could help me work out how to get Karen to go out with me instead.

OWEN:
I’ve told you before mate - trick her into it. Pretend there’s going to be a party. By the time she realises it’s just the two of you, she’s already halfway through the drink you’ve bunged some Rohypnol in.

TIM:
I don’t believe you sometimes. If you won’t help me sensibly, I won’t help with the skip.

OWEN:
Yes you will. I’ve never seen you say no to anyone.

TIM:
But…well… I can’t help it…..erm….

OWEN:
Alright, alright, I was only joking. Just work out how I can get it on the trailer and I’ll help you pull Karen. You won’t have to go anywhere near the skip (BEAT) unless you decide to rent it off me. I’ll do you a week’s rental but only charge you for three days.

TIM:
Great. I come up with a plan to steal a skip for you and you still try to rip me off for 2 days skip rental.

OWEN:
I’m a businessman Tim.

TIM:
You’re a con-artist.

OWEN:
But thanks to you, I’ll soon be a con-artist with a freshly-painted skip.

SCENE FOUR

F/X: DOOR OPENING

KAREN:
Do you want another coffee, Dan?

DAN:
I don’t know why you go to that coffee place. The guy who runs it’s a freak.

KAREN:
He’s always pleasant enough when I go in there. I think he fancies me a little bit. (PAUSE) So, do you want a coffee?

DAN:
No thanks. I’ll be about half an hour finishing off my list of questions for the minister then I’ll have lunch.

KAREN:
I’ve arranged to meet Sue for a pub lunch. You’re welcome to join us.

DAN:
Ah the lovely Sue! Fine woman. She deserves a man who will look after her properly…

KAREN:
Somehow I don’t think she’s quite ready to become the eleventh Mrs. Dan Slab!

DAN:
One of my exes was like that. She was so unsure about the idea of being my fourth wife that by the time I charmed her into it, she was actually the fifth. (BEAT) Tragic what happened to her, really. They never did find that crocodile.

KAREN:
If I was you, I wouldn’t mention that to Sue when you propose…

DAN:
I’ve been married once already this year. No, for the moment I’ll be happy enough with lunch and another look at those splendid legs of hers. Speaking of ex-wives – it’s number nine’s birthday this weekend. Could you arrange a gift for her please?

KAREN:
What sort of thing does she like?

DAN:
Oh no, don’t get something she’ll like. Get something that seems nice but will actually annoy her. Something that expresses both my residual affection and definite contempt.

KAREN:
I should charge you extra for things like this.

DAN:
Funnily enough, she used to say that when I… erm… I’ll stop there I think. (BEAT) Lunch in about half hour it is then.

KAREN:
Okay.

F/X: DOOR CLOSING

This draft is much better. Very much enjoying the mutant ears hatred.

I'm enjyoing this, the irrational coffee shop guy is fun, and nice plot centered humour.

But in 10 pages shouldn't there be more of a hint where things are goin?

Quite possibly but the plot for Karen is fairly subtle. The stealing-the-skip subplot is the unsubtle one but that does involve Karen later anyway. Dan preparing his gravity investigation is mostly off screen plot and Karen just sort of happens to be in the middle of all of it, trying to deal with everything (hence the title - Multi-Tasking). The ice lolly, the student volunteers, the guy with the slut wife, coffee-shop freak's new lady friend and Dan's 6th ex-wife all come into play later too.

I have noticed before that you tend to be a little wordy in your writing. I hope you don't mind, but to show you what I mean, I have edited your first scene, trying to put a bit more snap into it.

Quote: Afinkawan @ August 5 2008, 9:44 PM BST

SCENE ONE

F/X: PHONE RINGING AND BEING ANSWERED

KAREN:
Hello, Dan Slab Investigations. Karen speaking, how may I help you?

F/X: INDECIPHERABLE BABBLING ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE

KAREN:
(CHEERY) Oh, the man whose wife is a slut!

F/X: ANGRY BABBLING ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE

KAREN:
(GASP) I'm so sorry! Did I say that out loud?

F/X: INDECIPHERABLE BABBLING ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE

KAREN:
No, I told you before - he's not a private detective, he's an investigative journalist. He might want to do an exposé, if she was shagging a Tweenie or something. I don't suppose...

F/X: INDECIPHERABLE BABBLING ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE

KAREN:
Her ice-skating instructor? (BEAT) Have you tried Graham Norton - he might be interested in doing a "Faithless Sluts On Ice".

F/X: ANGRY BABBLING ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE

KAREN:
(CHEERY) OK. Bye!

F/X: PHONE BEING PUT DOWN
F/X: DOOR OPENING

DAN:
Morning Karen. Do you want an ice lolly? I bought it by mistake.

KAREN:
Hi Dan. Ooh, a Mini-Milk! That man just phoned again, the one who thinks you're a private detective.

DAN:
Is his wife still a slut?

KAREN:
He found a used condom. In their bed.

DAN:
A cheating harlot AND bad at housework - reminds me of my third wife, the French maid strip-a-gram. Very enthusiastic about sleeping with drunken stag parties, but she never did work out how to use that feather duster. (PAUSE) He's sure it wasn't one of his own condoms?

KAREN:
He said it was a different flavour to the ones he uses. (BEAT) I've managed to line up some volunteers for your gravity investigation. Did you get the insurance sorted out?

DAN:
No, they're only students. The insurance company said it would be funnier to just let them die... as long as they've all signed their disclaimers.

KAREN:
They did, but can they have a copy of the footage - for their Big Brother audition tapes, to show how zany they are?

DAN:
If my calculations are correct, they should end up in the lake, so they'll be safe enough. As long as they can swim. Besides, they're students, they could use a bath. {sorry, couldn't resist changing the gag}

KAREN:
Most reporters doing a story on gravity would investigate the history of the subject, current scientific theories, any cutting edge research, that sort of thing.

DAN:
Most journalists wouldn't know an interesting angle if it bit them on the arse.

KAREN:
(UNDER HER BREATH) Most journalists actually sell some stories...

DAN:
Eh?

KAREN:
I'll get the coffees.

View original

Yes, I can be a bit wordy at times. It's something I'm trying to get the hang of. some good advice there Timbo. Cheers.

AND NOW...the next 6(ish) pages!

SCENE FIVE

ATMOS: STREET NOISES
F/X: MOBILE PHONE BEING DIALLED

TIM:
Owen? It's Tim. I've worked out a plan. Meet me in the pub so I can explain. Bring two toy cars, a tin of sardines and a ruler. See you there.

SCENE SIX

ATMOS: PUB NOISES

DAN:
So Sue, Karen tells me you tried speed-dating. How was it?

SUE:
It was good fun but nobody I particularly liked. (BEAT) There was one creep though. He spent the whole time telling me how much he hates one of his customers because of her weird ears.

KAREN:
He sounds like a right freak.

SUE:
Yeah. And he keeps texting me.

F/X: MOBILE PHONE TEXT MESSAGE BEEP

SUE:
That's him again. See? "Stupid ears woman was in again earlier. I hate her, exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark. Fancy a drink? I need one after seeing her every day."

KAREN:
The poor woman probably has some sort of medical condition. I'm sure it's not her fault she's so deformed.

SUE:
What sort of person thinks that's a good chat-up line? I've told him I'm not interested. If I see him again I might just kick him in the ‘nads to get the point across.

DAN:
I could have him killed if you want?

SUE:
Dan!

DAN:
Oh I don't really mean it. I've been thinking of investigating hit men so maybe we could just scare him off.

SUE:
I think I'll just ignore him until he stops texting me.

SCENE SEVEN

ATMOS: PUB NOISES

OWEN:
So how does this work?

TIM:
This sardine can is the skip. This toy car and the beermat are your car and the trailer, this other toy car is a different car and this ruler is some sort of long ramp.

OWEN:
I'd have brought a toy Ferrari if I'd known it was supposed to be representing my car.

TIM:
You don't own a Ferrari.

OWEN:
I'm not trying to steal a giant tin of sardines either, so don't you lecture me about which props make sense and which don't. Get on with the plan.

TIM:
Right, you place the ramp on the end of the skip like so. Then you drive the second car slowly up the ramp.

OWEN:
Like this? Brrrm, brrrrmmm, brrrrrmmmmm.

TIM:
Exactly. The weight of the car on the ramp pushes down the end of the skip so it starts to tip up.

OWEN:
Like this?

F/X: RULER TWANGING
F/X: SARDINE TIN SMASHING A PINT GLASS

TIM:
Sort of, but without flinging the skip into my pint.

OWEN:
Ooops! Right - ramp, car, tilted skip. Now what?

TIM:
Simply back the trailer under the tilted end of the skip. When that's in place, drive the second car off the ramp and the skip lowers back down, onto the trailer.

OWEN:
I can't tell if that plan is genius or madness (BEAT) so it must be worth a try. Cheers Tim, I owe you one.

TIM:
You can start repaying me now. That's Karen over there. What do I do?

OWEN:
Birds love confidence. Just walk up and tell her she's going out with you unless she wants a slap.

TIM:
I don't know why I bother asking for your help.

OWEN:
Look, just get over there now and ask her out before she leaves.

SCENE EIGHT

OWEN:
Hello ladies.

KAREN:
Hi guys. This is Dan, my boss. Dan, this is Owen and Tim.

TIM:
Hello Karen.

DAN:
Ah, Owen. Karen has mentioned some of your escapades before.

TIM:
Did she mention me?

DAN:
Erm..probably. Nice to meet you both.

OWEN:
So you're the investigative reporter. Will I have seen any of your investigations on TV or in a newspaper?

DAN:
The world doesn't seem quite ready for my reporting style unfortunately. Luckily the investigating is just a hobby.

OWEN:
So what do you do for a living?

DAN:
I invented boiled eggs. I just live off the royalties.

OWEN:
Am I supposed to believe that?

DAN:
You seem like an interesting character from the things Karen has said about you. Perhaps I could investigate what you do for a living?

OWEN:
(NERVOUS) Erm…I'll give that a miss if you don't mind.

DAN:
Hmmm.

SUE:
I have to get back to the office. Thanks for buying us lunch Dan.

DAN:
Thank you for wearing such a short skirt! (BEAT) Sorry Karen, I forgot to ask. Can you get me a giant elastic band please?

KAREN:
What on Earth for?

DAN:
For my investigation. Cheerio folks; I'm off to break into Stephen Hawking's house.

KAREN:
What?! Dan!

TIM:
Did he really just say….?

KAREN:
Knowing Dan, yes. I expect I'll have to go down the police station later to bail him out again. Where the hell am I supposed to find a giant elastic band?

OWEN:
I could probably get hold of one. I'll do it cheap for a mate.

KAREN:
Not a chance. I know the sort of dodgy gear you ‘acquire' Owen. I'll find somewhere else to get one.

TIM:
(FLUSTERED) I could get you a cheap skip if you need one!

KAREN:
Eh? I don't need a skip.

TIM:
(MUMBLED) Oh. I just thought…never mind. (BEAT) Do you want another drink?

KAREN:
(PUZZLED) But then it would just be the two of us. Everyone else is going now. (BEAT) Anyway, I have to get back to work. Bye Tim.

TIM:
(PAUSE) (WHISPERED) But I love you.

SCENE NINE

F/X: VAN STOPPING AND ENGINE TURNING OFF

OWEN:
(LAUGHS) I still can't believe you tried to seduce her with a cheap skip!

TIM:
I thought it would be romantic.

OWEN:
Romantic? (LAUGHS)

TIM:
I was nervous and botched it okay? Stop changing the subject. I thought you said your friend was lending you the trailer?

OWEN:
He said that I could borrow it any time.

TIM:
So why are we collecting it at 3 in the morning (BEAT) and using a bolt cutter to get into his garage (BEAT) while he's on holiday?

OWEN:
I owe him some money so he might not want to lend me the trailer after all. This way, I don't put a mate in the position of going back on his word.

TIM:
So if it's all above board, why are we wearing balaclavas?

OWEN:
Sorry Tim, I can't hear you, there's a balaclava over my ears. Let's go.

F/X: VAN DOORS OPENING
F/X: FOOTSTEPS
F/X: PADLOCK BEING CUT
F/X: GARAGE DOORS OPENING

OWEN:
Hook it up while I see if there's anything else worth borrowing.

TIM:
I don't think your friend said you could borrow his trailer at all. You've tricked me into helping you steal it, haven't you?

OWEN:
I can't believe you're accusing me of being a thief.

TIM:
But you want this trailer to steal a skip!

OWEN:
Your lack of faith in human nature never ceases to amaze me Tim. For a nerd, you're surprisingly cynical.

TIM:
But we are stealing it!

OWEN:
Shame on you. (BEAT) You thief.

Sorry to be a pain, but if it is for radio there is no reason, right at the beginning, why the woman is babbling such that we cannot understand it, there is no reason why we can't hear both sides of the conversation. It is only when we are seeing a one sided phone call that the comedic device you employ can be logically used.

There's no reason except I like the sound effect and I decided that actually hearing the other end of the conversation would add nothing (except the need for another actor).

Surely it's no less logical to only be hearing it from one microphone than it is to only be watching it from one camera?

Sometimes you have to kill your babies.

It's the first part of your script that people are going to read and I honestly don't think it's helping you draw the reader in.

Have you ever posted anything here, Marc P? I'd like to read something by you.

Quote: Marc P @ September 11 2008, 4:02 PM BST

It's the first part of your script that people are going to read and I honestly don't think it's helping you draw the reader in.

View original

It's also important to remember that producers reading a radio script will be aware of how it will sound rather than worrying about how it looks on the page. Interesting point though.

What does everyone else think? At least one person said they liked that device when I first posted a different incarnation of this scene.

Quote: Afinkawan @ September 11 2008, 3:55 PM BST

Surely it's no less logical to only be hearing it from one microphone than it is to only be watching it from one camera?

View original

With all due to Marc P, Afinkawan has a point.

I liked it, and it didn't put me off, but then I usually enjoy your stuff. So that's no help at all, really. Sorry.

I did actually laugh out loud on three or four occasions during the second chunk, enough for one of my colleagues to ask me what I was reading.

May I ask which bits?

God, you're so needy.

Er, the "stupid ears woman" text, the cheap skip chat-up line, and the "brrmmm, brrrmmmm" did it for me. I also liked the boiled eggs royalties line.