Hammer Time.

Right my last sketch. Is it any good. Is the ending shit. Shall i jump off a 1 storey block of flats ?????

A woman is banging on her best friend & neighbour’s door in the middle of the night. Eventualy she answers the door

Woman.
(Eyes wild) Oh thank god thank god (Barges past her friend into her house) You have to help me.

Friend
(Confused) What the hell is the matter.

Woman sits on the couch with her head in her hands, sobbing, her friend puts her arms around her in comfort.

Woman
(sniffs) He is dead. I killed him.

Friend
Who?

Woman
My man. I killed him.

Friend
(Shocked) Is this a joke.

Woman
Do I look like im laughing or trying not to, do I

Friend
Is he really dead?

Woman
YES

Friend
And you really killed him?

Woman
YES. Oh God Oh God.

Friend
What happened.

Woman
I told him we were going to play a new sex game.(sobs) I tied him up. Naked. Urghhhh which was revolting,put a plastic bag over his head than whacked him about erm (thinks) probably 30-40 times with a hammer. There is claret everywhere. I will have to get a new bedroom carpet now.

Friend.
You are lying.

Woman
I am not, look at my hands. (shows her hand coverd in blood) (starts to wail) Oh fook look I broke a bloodie nail. I only had a manicure 2 days ago. What a waste of cash.

Friend
(Mouth agape) Why would you kill your man .What ever possesed you.

Woman
(Smiles) That’s a good defence. Possesion. I will say the devil got in me.

Friend
(Grabs the woman by the shouldes & shakes her) WHY DID YOU DO IT.

Woman
He pissed me off.

Friend
(Horrified)There is blood all over your t.shirt & your hair Jesus I didn’t notice before. Are you bleeding?

Woman
That’s another good defence. Bleeding like a bastard your Honour. I get terrible PMT.

Friend
JESUS WOMAN WHY DID YOU KILL YOUR MAN?

Woman
I told you he pissed me right off.

Friend
How. What made you take a hammer to his head time & time again?

Woman
30-40 times. At a guess I would go for 35. I stopped counting at 26 but I know I carried on pulping that brain of his. (Woman swings her fist in the air)

Friend
Did he say anything?

Woman
He said ‘Ouch’ a lot

Friend
What happened for God Sake?

Woman
I told you I caved his skull clean in with a friggin hammer.

Friend
But why. Why Why Why Why Why?????

Woman
4 years 11 months & 29 days ago, He ate the last slice of my home grown hand picked home baked apple pie.

Friend
And?

Woman
It was my slice. That bastard ate my slice. I have never forgiven him for it. NEVER.

Friend
So 5 years later you hammer the hell out of your Husband for eating the last slice of apple pie.

Woman
Yep.

Friend
5 years later.

Woman.
I told him if he ate that pie he had 5 years to live. I told him that. He ate it anyway. You know how us women stick to our guns, or should I say hammers(Busts out laughing)

Friend
Your mad.

Woman
That’s another good defence. I am so glad I popped round. You have been so helpful.

Friend
Why the sex game scenario.

Woman.
I felt it appropriate

Friend
How

Woman.
I wanted him to die with dignity.

Friend
What tied naked to a chair with a bag over his head & his brain smooshed. Incidentally it wasn’t a Tesco carrier bag was it.

Woman
(Horrified) What do you take me for. Of course it wasn’t a Tesco bag. I am not that common. It was a Waitrose bag.

Friend
(Nods in apreciation) Good. (shakes her head) But why kill him like that. How is that dignified.

Woman
He said he wanted to go during crazy sex. That’s crazy isn’t it?

Friend.
I just cant get my head around this. Let me sum it up. Your husband almost 5 years ago, ate your slice of apple pie

Woman (Interupts).
Home grown, hand picked home baked apple pie.

Friend
Right. Do you seriously think that constitutes a severe head injury, let alone a beating to the death.

Woman
You think I should have tortured him a while, or set him on fire or stabbed him with a tea spoon over & over say 50-60 times. Maybe I could have ran the bottom half of him over & kept the top half alive for a few days. Or done a Whats his name Hobbit, and cut his cock off first.

Friend
You mean Bobbit.

Woman
Hobbit the Bobbit got no Knobit.(Hysterical fits of laughter) So should I have done something more horrific?

Friend
Most definitely. After all, you did say home grown hand picked home baked apple pie.

I liked the broken nail bit - and yes overall I laughed a lot.

Not sure about the very last line though.

Cheers David. Any suggestions for a last line? I was going to have it as a fudge cake & have the last line as follows.

Friend
5 years is a long time
Woman
You know us women can hold a fudge for years.

But i thought that was way to Silly Billy Goats Gruff.

I dunno if it was me Charley but I found some of the speech a bit unnatural. I think it happened because you needed to get different jokes in at different points and to accomplish this you needed to keep having the friend asked why she killed the guy...Does that make sense? Basically the friend asks if she killed him and why she killed him many many times, and I understand why it's like that, but I'm just wondering if it can be done a bit better. Perhaps you could still get all the gags in if the killer goes into a panicked, rambling dialogue, diverting herself, going off on tangents, instead of having the friend keep asking the same question.

Just a suggestion though, it would cut down the length of the sketch too and avoid repetition obviously.

Apart from that structural criticism the sketch was fine.

Let me know if you know what I mean, because I'm not sure how well I've expressed myself.

I definitely think there's room to incorporate MC Hammer in the sketch. Try using his line "You can't touch this" about the apple pie and perhaps something about his outrageous trousers. MC Hammer was hilarious!

LOL. Trevor.
I get you Tom. I see where you are coming from. I will Have a play around with it. (the sketch that is).

I have to fill about 5 minutes see thats why its a little long.

xx

Writing to fill time is never a good idea.

Write as much as possible, all the time. It's not set in stone, just a bit of fun and might spark a better, more well thought idea later on.

EDIT: OK forget what I said in this context. I didn't read the other posts.

>_<

Quote: Alan Alexander @ June 12, 2007, 6:25 PM

Writing to fill time is never a good idea.

View original

I find myself agreeing with AA!

It has funny in it, but it's too long IMO. Why do you need to fill 5 minutes? Presumably as part of an episode. Why not write something else - a quickie or two - or make your episode a bit shorter? If it gets picked up then it isn't going to be left exactly as submitted anyway so you don't need to have the episode *exactly* to time. Also, if you are considering radio (and your stuff does have a particular - er, how shall I say - voice?) then there's a variety of possible episode lengths. Best stick to late night though...

Also, worth going back over and filling in the flat spots. There are gag opportunities there. E.g. when she says "He said 'Ouch' a lot"... you could add more after a pause with her re-living the moment, e.g. "He said 'Ouch' a lot. (beat) At first. (beat) another gag (beat) etc etc (beat). I think he shut up on the 32nd blow but I gave him a few more for luck."

Although this was a good solid sketch, it did go off in different directions which did effect the pace. Lots of good lines (although if I'm honest, not the last one) but 'Hammer Time' needs trimming to turn this good sketch into a great one. Self editing is the hardest thing to do but it really is rewarding and most of all, Charley, I think you can do it.

THis will be a great sketch with a bit of pruning. I'm not sure I like the premise - murder over food - a bit American or like a twisted M & S advert. I LOVE the Bobbit lines and the way you create characers so effortlessly. You're on such a roll (ooh matron).

Quote: Fred Peters @ June 12, 2007, 9:40 PM

THis will be a great sketch with a bit of pruning. I'm not sure I like the premise - murder over food - a bit American or like a twisted M & S advert. I LOVE the Bobbit lines and the way you create characers so effortlessly. You're on such a roll (ooh matron).

View original

I have to disagree about the creation of characters. These two dimensional characters are interchangeable with those in the townheads sketches. The dialogue is expository throughout.
Realistic characters have distinctive voices.

Cheers thanks guys, lots of advice to take notice of there.
Badge I was going to have her go into more detail about the noise he made while being mullerd, but I decided on a flat 'Ouch'. You have given me an idea actually and thanks for the radio advice.
You are all right though it needs trimming for sure. I will have a go Baumski at editing. Thanks Fred & Alan.
Alan this is a Towns head sketch so its good that they are interchangeable. I dont want realistic characters in Town Heads. I want OTT, ones. Great point about the writing to fill time. I will bear that in mind for the future.
Thanks again all. I have some ideas to mull over.

This is the kind of humor that does not translate.

I get it...just didn't laugh.

But I've got to say, I've seen a lot of popular Australian and British skits that seem to have this kind of humor.

Plus, people on here seem to like it.

So all-in-all, I guess what I'm saying is...don't bring it to America. You won't make much. Keep it in England and make five million pounds.

Then you can come to America and you'll have ten million dollars.

Crappy place we've got here, but your pound is worth a lot, so why not?

Quote: charley rance @ June 12, 2007, 10:09 PM

Cheers thanks guys, lots of advice to take notice of there.
Badge I was going to have her go into more detail about the noise he made while being mullerd, but I decided on a flat 'Ouch'. You have given me an idea actually and thanks for the radio advice.
You are all right though it needs trimming for sure. I will have a go Baumski at editing. Thanks Fred & Alan.
Alan this is a Towns head sketch so its good that they are interchangeable. I dont want realistic characters in Town Heads. I want OTT, ones. Great point about the writing to fill time. I will bear that in mind for the future.
Thanks again all. I have some ideas to mull over.

View original

The problem is that you don't have OTT characters, you have one voice for every character and that voice is not engaging. Over the top characters still need, well, character.