Edit3
JIM AND LIN ARE GOING INTO A RESTAURANT.
LIN
You'll like this place, it's very new and very healthful.
JIM
Well you know me I like a....
WE PAN AROUND IT'S A NORMAL RESTAURANT BUT EVERY ONE IS SITTING ON A TOILET AT THEIR TABLE, THEIR TROUSERS ROUND THEIR ANKLES.
ONE BLOKE SQUEEZES HIS EYES LIKE HE'S HAVING A POO.
JIM
This is a joke isn't it Lin, good joke?
LIN
No it's run according to Raj Pooski the guru and bottom expert. He
he cleansed Madonna's botty hole.
JIM
You mean Guy Ritchie?
LIN
Shut up, you never take me seriously. Raj Pooski says the less time the poop stays in your system. The less it can poison you. He says Hitler murdered all those people because he only pooed twice a day.
SHE GLARES AT JIM
JIM
Ok darling it is our anniversary after all. The marriage guidance counsellor said we should do more things together. It'll be adventuros like the Sushi place with robots and conveyor belts. Except with pooing.
LIN
That's better. Alice warned me about you stifling my creativity.
A WAITER APPROACHES THEM.
WAITER
Bon, your table is ready. Come this way monseiur, madame.
HE LEADS THEM TO A TABLE. LIN DROPS HER TROUSERS AND SITS ON A TOILET, JIM JUST SITS DOWN.
LIN
Jim...
THE WAITER APPROACHES HIM.
WAITER
Would monseiur like a hand with lowering his garments?
JIM
No sir would bloody well not. I'll eat here, but I will not excrete here. I'm not that European.
SNOOTY WOMAN AT NEXT TABLE.
Well really this is most rude. I suppose you take a knife and fork to a Chinese restaurants?
HER SNOOTY HUSBAND
A man who keeps his pants on in a restaurant, is a pervert whose come to watch others defecate. Back in Ragoon we'd have shot you for that.
LOUD MUM TO HER KIDS AT THE NEXT TABLE.
Don't stare at the nasty man holding his poo in.
KID
Err bet his colons full.
JIM
But there's no loo roll, and how do you wipe your bottom at the table?
LIN
That's what the bidet buttons for. Jim you're embarassing me. Alice said you would.
JIM
Ok, but you'd better make this a quick dinner, I don't want piles.
HE DROPS HIS TROUSERS AND SITS BACK DOWN.
WAITER APPROACHES THEM.
WAITER
Would madame like to order some starters?
LIN STRAINING
LIN
Ooh I'll just see if I've got any room.
TIM PICKS HIS NOSE ABSENTLY ROLLS THE BOGEY UP.
RESTAURANT GOES COMPLETLEY SILENT.
WAITER
I'm going to have to ask you to leave sir.
LIN IS WEEPING HEAD IN HANDS.
TIM
Fine, I don't care it was a shit restaurant anyway.
WAITER
At least monsoiuer, unlike you. We are not full of shit.
ALL THE DINERS RELEASE A CAVALCADE OF FARTS THAT SOUND LIKE A SLOW HAND CLAP
AS TIM STALKS OUT.
WAITER SHOUTING TO SOME ONE OOV
WAITER
Thanks God he's gone, MOnseuir Winner's table ready?
2ND WAITER
See boss.
WE SEEM LHIM AYING A TABLE WITH A TOILET, THE WASTE PIPE OF WHICH LEADS STRAIGHT ONTO THE PLATE ON THE TABLE.
