Second sketch factor blow out

DAVE:
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Agency, to this, our presentation of Mega Corp’s new campaign. Let me introduce Steven who we think has done a great job for you. Steven

STEVEN:
Thanks Dave.

DAVE:
Thanks Steven.

STEVEN:
Err…thanks Dave.

DAVE:
Thanks Steven. (PAUSE) Emm…It’s back with me again...what the…fu...? We’re getting into a bit of a tangle here.[A BIT GEEZERISH] OK...I’ll do it Steve don’t worry son, don’t panic I’ve got it covered. No sweat pal.

DAVE REGAINS HIS PROFESSIONALISM

DAVE:
Right cool...So we’ve looked at the brief you gave us and got our best creatives onto it. We’ve workshopped it; focus grouped and brainstormed it and we know you’re going to love what we’ve come up with!

Mega Corp’s brand is out there. It’s a given that you care passionately about your customers and we love your eco-friendly production processes and values. So...we’ve used our expertise and woven all this into a package that’s going to take you where you want to go.

Hit the button Steven!

GRAMS:ETHEREAL MUSIC

ACTORY VOICE OVER:
Here at Mega Corp we want your money. What for? Well that’s easy. It’s so we can pay our board of directors, share holders and top executives huge sums of money.

But hey! Just in case you think it’s all about us, be assured that we really do have your interests at heart. We really really really do. I’m a well known actor; you can trust me.

GRAMS:ETHEREAL MUSIC SWELLS

ACTORY VOICE OVER:
What’s more we’re totally sincere and care about saving the planet, but as far as this ad goes we just want as much money from you as possible. Every penny; whatever you’ve got spare…and then some. I really am a famous actor. You know you can trust me.

How famous am I? Well think along the lines of that guy from all creatures great and small. I’m not him but you’d recognise me if you saw me. People sometimes confuse us.

GRAMS:MUSIC BUILDS TO CLIMAX

ACTORY VOICE OVER:
Mega Corp - Because we’ve got a glib strap line that sounds sorta important but on closer inspection means nothing much at all.

GRAMS:MUSIC ENDS

DAVE:
Ok Steven hit the lights.

Well? Whadayah think guys? Guys! Aw com’on guys this is advertising gold!

DRY COUGHING FADING OUT

END:

Very funny and excellent gags running throughout the sketch - particularly funny is the 'How famous am I?' bit from the voice-over actor.

In my opinion it needed some kind of twist or pay-off/punchline at the end (not that I can think of anything off-hand)but apart from that it is a very strong script.

Agree with beddy_boy; a great little sketch, very funny, but needs a little extra kick at the end.

Beddy_Boy and Aaron

Thanks for your comments and glad you liked the idea.

I think it does need something a bit punchier at the end and I was conscious of this before I sent it in to the comp.

I was going to add another section about the Ad' men getting into a bit of a ruck with the client over their work but just ran out of time and wanted to keep it as short as I thought I could get away with.

I was a bit lazy I think in retrospect

I know this is irrelevant considering you were facing a time constraint and i haven't addressed the sketch itself, which was good. I'm only talking about the idea that you were aware that the sketch needed something punchier.

IMO a sketch can never be too short (if we ignoring the obvious extreme, like dimming the lights 5 seconds in). I mean people generally tend to treat sketches like mini plays. There can be a lot of unfunny unnecessary wittering (I'm not referring to your sketch here, but sketches in general). My attitude would be know my punchline and get to it as fast as possible. If I can get 2 or 3 funny ideas in there leading up to the final payload, great. If not, I'll go write that play. I wouldn't start a sketch unless i already knew the punchline. Ideally, the big laugh should be at the very end without any action or dialogue to dilute the laugh or make your audience expect more when no more is coming.

Bear in mind, this is only one opinion, and i'm a nobody in the biz.

Hi SlagA

I think your point is valid and when sending this in I wasn't over happy with the ending as I already said, but your comment made me think about how I actually wrote the sketch.

Sometimes I have a very clear idea and know the start middle and ending of a piece but other times, and this was one of them, I start with a vague idea and see what develops.

I was happy with the 4/5 of what developed but the ending was a bit of a cop-out, yet I could still hear it in my 'mind's ear' being performed, and if it passes this personal test I tend not to over agonise about it, so that's why I sent it in that form.

But of course if I had left myself more time then I'm sure I could have come up with something I was happier with.

Just being a bit lazy and not working on the thing in time is what nobbled me here and shows that we ignore dealines at our peril.

Time, I always find out about competitions way too late. :-)

I did like the sketch, i was wondering if the punchline could perhaps come from one of the shocked execs rather than the 'gold' comment from the ad makers? Or as a rejoinder to the gold sentence.

Yeah I think that's where I would have taken it if I had extended it.

I had an idea of some kind of ruck between both camps but just couldn't be arsed to work it up given the constraints.

I'd spent the previous weeks doing nothing but topical news based stuff and wasn't in the 'creative zone' enough. I was well aware of the dealine for the comp but didn't leave myself enough time to give it a good go.

How about an ending with one of the execs saying something like "I always hated that actor - so voice-overy"?

Hi Badge

There needs to be some kind of response from the clients or exchange between them and the Ad' men all right, and I think that because there isn't, then that's why the end falls a bit flat.

I'm gonna have a go at working up the ending and see what I can come up with.

Cheers.

Hi Blekinsop

Really very funny. Like that they're not selling anything at all really!

Like everyone else, I can't really think of a shock ending, though maybe you could chop the end off and finish where the (really famous) actor says:
"Mega Corp - Because we’ve got a glib strap line that sounds sorta important but on closer inspection means nothing much at all."

That's a sort of crescendo you already have. Big it up though and just end.

Cheers

Dan

Pretty good. I laughed at the 'Thanks' back and forth at the start between the advertising guys and then to be honest the long explanatory bit by Dave slowed the pace far too much for me. Maybe you could get the same info. across with them both chipping in with bits and correcting each other. Shorter punchier lines like how you started out.

You should give us an idea of what we'd be watching on the TV screen. maybe there's some joke oppourtunities in the visuals?

For a big laugh at the end maybe you could pan out/reveal the etheral music is being played by Steve on a Flute... and dave says something like 'Ok thats enough now Steve'. (I don't know where I nicked that joke from but it might fit )

Mr Pie

Hi Mr Pie

Thanks for your comments; but this skecth was a radio piece for the Beeb's Sketch Factor comp so there is no scope for visuals here.

The wordy bit in the middle did slightly worry me and could do with a re-think and trim probably.

Cheers

B

Hi Swertd

Thanks for your input.

I had thought of ending where you said, at the strap-line, but just added the last bit as I could 'hear' it working.