Topical 1984, a little different.

Edit 2

GORDON BROWN IS TALKING TO EDD BALLS.

GORDON

Good to finally see some good news, UK kids have improved levels of basic English. How did you do it?

EDD

We unmake Ingsoc diffy hard, we upmake Ingsoc simple.

GORDON

What are you talking about ya diddy?

EDD

Mr Balls top geezer ingest 1984, make Ingsoc more comprehensy-easy. Bring on newspeak.

GORDON

You read 1984, and made Newspeak compulsory for English school. I also read 1984, welcome to your own Room 101.

JAQUI SMITH GRABS HIM FROM BEHIND PINNING HIS ARMS.

EDD

Shit sorry Gordon, is this where you threaten me with rats for displeasing you?

GORDON

Why bother you won't learn Charles Clarke didn't. Prepare to face the most lethal rodent in England.

MILLERBAND COMES ONE AND STARTS TO EAT EDD'S FACE.

GORDON

The Miller-rat, the only one crazy enough to try and sail a sinking ship.

2

3 SCIENTISTS ARE STANDING AROUND (SWISS, AMERICAN, ENGLISH)

SWISS

We have reason to believe that some one has been using the Particle Accelerator to create dangerous particles for themselves. Which of you scientists did it?

AMERICAN

Hah we Americans couldn't allow a weapon this powerful to be wasted on peaceful purposes. We stole all your anitmatter particles, in this handy roll form.

HOLDS UP A TOILET ROLL.

SWISS

That's a loo roll, have you spent the last 2 years infiltrating the toilets?

AMERICAN

Shuck we thought we'd get it right after Iraq, we only found your weapons of mass defecation.

SWISS

No the particle created, was the one that when accelerated would create the exact moment.

AMERICAN

Of the Big Bang?

SWISS

No the creation of the first bacon sandwich.

ENGLISH

Sorry old chap, guess the jigs up for us. It's your own fault for puting garlic in everything.

SWISS

You irresponsible dumkopf, that particle could have blown up Switzerland.

ENGLISH

Crikey, what about the perfect cup of tea particle?

SWISS

That would annihilate the space time continuim.

ENGLISH(SHOUTING OFF STAGE)

I say Carruthers don't do it, the coffee's really not that bad.

CARRUTHERS WALKS ON WITH A MUG,

Who cares this particle tea is ace,

EXPLOSION BLACK OUT.

Love the Orwellian newspeak reference.

How about an Animal Farm sketch starring the Labour Cabinet?
You could have a field day.

Hmm you could give it a try?

1)
Great idea of teaching Newspeak in schools. Liked the final line too. Though (incidentally, why rats? Were there rats in 1984?).

blithering sound more upper class than dour scot - sorry being a picky sod ain't I?

2)
Up to the mass defecation it was fine (if not a groaner), but got a bit confusing after that (might have just been the grammar). For example, the Swiss suddenly said how a particle had been stolen, when before they'd just said someone had been using the accelerator.

Thanks you're right on both, I'll edit.

I think the second one was a case of trying to put over a complex idea I don't fully understand myself.

You three guys really are an unholy trinity. Sootyj, at last you have your disciples.

A trio of modestly succesful writers helping each other to improve our craft.

You haven't posted anything in a while, I liked some of your stuff.

Very kind of you, sir. And I did very much like your Britney/Timberlake/Disney sketch (I should probly have said so in that thread) - more of those, please.

What's an unholy Trinity?
The father of satire, the sun (sic) of pun and the holy ghostwriter?

I'd say I was a modestly unsuccessful writer, but I enjoy myself nevertheless

Sootyj, at last you have your disciples.

Wayne's world type of "We're not worthy!" cry.

Quote: sootyj @ September 8 2008, 11:36 PM BST

A trio of modestly succesful writers helping each other to improve our craft.

View original

Yep. This Critique forum has been a very big help to me.

Quote: sootyj @ September 8 2008, 11:15 PM BST

Hmm you could give it a try?

View original

hmm.... dunno. Too intellectual for me methinks. I actually read Animal Farm not so long ago. Funny abrupt ending.