Here's my second sketch, submitted with 'Celebrity' (on another forum thread) for the initial round and rejected at that stage.
When I wrote it, I was trying to pick up on the amount of information, mis-information and non information that we are bombarded with and the fact that some people can't tell the difference.
Here goes:
GRAMS: MUZAK.
WILLIAM
This one?
SARAH
I do like the black finish..... Does it have a flash?
WILLIAM
Yep. Pops up.
SARAH
How do you know?
WILLIAM
Says on the card.
SARAH
Smart arse. What else does it say on the card?
WILLIAM
Gobble-de-gook.
JULIAN ANNOUNCES HIMSELF WITH A LIGHT COUGH.
JULIAN
Can I help at all? You seem a little.... Flustered.
WILLIAM
Actually yes.
JULIAN
What can I do for you sir..... Madam.
SARAH
I'm looking to buy a digital camera.....
JULIAN
Then you've come to the right place, if I may say so.
WILLIAM
We don't know anything about them though.
JULIAN
Lets see. Was there one that caught your eye?
SARAH
This one here. Could you tell us about it?
JULIAN
This one? It's made by Fuji. It has nine Mega Pixels, a four times optical zoom, a number of different automatic photo settings including portrait, landscape and sport. It has a built in flash and comes with its own charger.
WILLIAM
Anything else?
JULIAN
It's 169.99.
WILLIAM
Nine Mega Pixels. Is that good?
JULIAN
It's outstanding sir.
WILLIAM
I'm really sorry.... But what does it mean?
JULIAN
That's the number of Mega Pixels.
WILLIAM
But what does that mean... to me?
JULIAN
I have no idea.
WILLIAM
Well, it doesn't actually mean anything..... Look. Here's another camera. This one's got.... six Mega Pixels, is that right?
JULIAN
That is correct.
WILLIAM
Well, what's the difference?
A PAUSE.
JULIAN
3 Mega Pixels.
WILLIAM
What?.. O.... Sorry, no. I meant what is the actual difference.
JULIAN
About thirty pounds?
WILLIAM
Never mind the Mega Pixels. Can you tell me about the zoom?
JULIAN
This particular camera has a four times optical zoom.
WILLIAM
I'm a bit confused by that too..... What's the equivalent focal length?
A PAUSE.
JULIAN
It's four times optical sir.
A PAUSE.
SARAH
The thing is, I really want a digital camera, but we're both incredibly confused by the jargon...
JULIAN
It can be a little daunting to the uninitiated madam.
SARAH
So, can you tell us anything about this camera, to help us make up our mind?
JULIAN
It's made by Fuji. It has nine Mega Pixels, a four times optical zoom, a number of different automatic photo settings including portrait, landscape.....
WILLIAM
....And sport..... You're just reading off the card.
SARAH
Is there anything else?
JULIAN
It has a built in flash.
WILLIAM
On the card.
JULIAN
It comes with its own charger....
WILLIAM
That's on the card too. We've read the card.... How does it compare with... say, the Canon or Sony?
JULIAN
I'm not sure sir.
SILENCE.
WILLIAM
What's the warranty?
JULIAN
(AT LAST, A QUESTION HE CAN ANSWER)
That means you can bring it back if there's a problem sir.
WILLIAM
I know that. But how long does it run?
JULIAN
I can find out for you sir?
SARAH
Look. I really want to buy a camera. Today. Is there anything at all that you can tell us that sets this camera apart? Or any other camera? Not a list of numbers but.... something that makes me think... 'That's the one for me'.... Something that.... isn't.. already... written.. on the card?
A LONG PAUSE.
JULIAN
It's black?
A PAUSE.
WILLIAM
We'll think about it.
JULIAN
Well, if you need any further advice, just let me know. My name is Julian, and I'm the....
WILLIAM
Deputy Assistant Department Manager?
JULIAN
How very perceptive of you sir.
WILLIAM
On your badge.
JULIAN
What?.... O.... Good Bye... Sir....
FX: SOUND OF A SHOP DOOR CLOSING.
JULIAN
.....Madam.....Tsk..... Time wasters....