Sitcom Trial Script Page 2

Quote: bushbaby @ September 7 2008, 12:36 PM BST

Yes I have read Micheal's blogs which are excellent and informative. But it is confusing, I had one editor saying sitcoms are not made up of gags.
As I said earlier, I think the rules only apply to rejected scripts

Well, originally with this comp, can you remember Simon asked for a five pound fee. he then had to return all the cheques as he had been instructed by the Beeb not to charge ....I hope that's the 'confused' icon

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It is a confusing business indeed.

Sitcoms are indeed not made up with gags, but they should be littered with them organically throughout. You are mistaking gags for gags sake,crowbarred in, with funny lines that come naturally from the situation and characaters. Remember that for a studio based sitcom they need to hear people laughing out loud. You can't hear a person smile. The sitcom trials are essentially a studio based sitcom not a single camera set up. They want the audience laughing literally out loud at least every twenty seconds. Comedy isn't a science but that part of it is. Look at your script and see if there is an opportunity for the audience to laugh out loud at least three times a minute. If your script is laid out at a page a minute, there should be three big laughs per page.

Micheal is back this week sometime... ask him on his blog comments section. And if he disagrees with me I will eat my feet.

This is where humour becomes subjective. My script makes me laugh to the amount 'stipulated' by editors. The way Maggie reels off rules makes me laugh.
Also one has to remember when you have an audience, it's 'mass' laughter. I find I belly-laugh at Shameless/Last of The Summer Wine, etc but not when I'm on my own, only when Mr Bushbaby is watching too and then we both have a good laugh.
The Royal Family is naff on paper but Caroline had the luxury of workshopping it in front of producers etc. It is definitely not funny on the page, I have a book with some of her scripts in it. The dialogue is so banal it is incredible that when acted out it's hilarious.

such as....

Dad
You cooked the tea?
Caroline
Yeah.
Dad
What did you make?
Caroline
Welsh rarebit

All humour is subjective but that is not the point. I am not saying your script is wrong or not funny. I am just telling you why the Sitcom Trials didn't pick it. The ones that win there if they do ever get made will be a lot different when they come to be filmed.

As my mother always says.. you may have the biggest marrow in Croydon but it won't win you any ribbons in the church hall if you enter it into the cream cake section.

Well I read it and I can see where you're going with it. Good characters distinctive voices (but a little cookie cutter), good situation, nice choice of setting (community safety patrol isn't it?)

But I think you under cook your gags, so I can see them, I can see what you're trying to do but they don't some how come together.

For example the coupling shagging in the cemetry. If it turns out they were having a picnic, and the character got the wrong end of the stick. At the same time as one of the other characters describes a really dodgy scene in a cemetry, turns out he's describing Dawn of the Dead he saw on video last night.

Quote: Marc P @ September 7 2008, 1:03 PM BST

All humour is subjective but that is not the point. I am not saying your script is wrong or not funny. I am just telling you why the Sitcom Trials didn't pick it. The ones that win there if they do ever get made will be a lot different when they come to be filmed.

As my mother always says.. you may have the biggest marrow in Croydon but it won't win you any ribbons in the church hall if you enter it into the cream cake section.

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good point.
I have to say though and without 'sour grapes' or malice, I did not laugh once at the the sitcom trials videos. I watched them over to see if i was just not in the mood and I can't see any merit in why they were finalists

Quote: sootyj @ September 7 2008, 1:06 PM BST

Well I read it and I can see where you're going with it. Good characters distinctive voices (but a little cookie cutter), good situation, nice choice of setting (community safety patrol isn't it?)

But I think you under cook your gags, so I can see them, I can see what you're trying to do but they don't some how come together.

For example the coupling shagging in the cemetry. If it turns out they were having a picnic, and the character got the wrong end of the stick. At the same time as one of the other characters describes a really dodgy scene in a cemetry, turns out he's describing Dawn of the Dead he saw on video last night.

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wow, yes a great idea, but we only have 15 pages or so to get in there a storyline etc and I never thought to do that but it would have been a difficult 'mix-up' to write within the 'time' scale. But I'll have a go at that and perhaps lengthen this to 30 mins. I'd like scenes outside too with the men in their vans watching the public.

Quote: Griff @ September 7 2008, 1:09 PM BST

Heaven forbid anyone should ever suspect you of sour grapes, Bushbaby.

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Please don't, I'm pointing out how our humour differs. You'd think one of the 'films' would have matched my humour.
The football one to me was banal and I couldn't get the humour of it.

Quote: bushbaby @ September 7 2008, 1:08 PM BST

good point.
I have to say though and without 'sour grapes' or malice, I did not laugh once at the the sitcom trials videos. I watched them over to see if i was just not in the mood and I can't see any merit in why they were finalists

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Much as I write what pleases my self, I do always write

"what I think the script editor thinks the audience wants"

when writing anything public/comercial.

Sorry but those are the breaks. We can all be funny in our little computer rooms, but otherwise you end up viewing the millions of comedy fans as an unassailable clique.

###That was just the rules for being allowed to advertise on the BBC Writers Room website. A bit like you aren't allowed to use four-letter words if you place an advert in The Times, but it doesn't mean Times Newspapers Ltd are going to use your product afterwards just because you advertised with them.###

Guess I'll have to take more notice in future

but I may give up now, I'm too old and that's probably my problem.
I did find the 'sweet as' sitcom winner very funny.

Quote: bushbaby @ September 7 2008, 1:24 PM BST

###That was just the rules for being allowed to advertise on the BBC Writers Room website. A bit like you aren't allowed to use four-letter words if you place an advert in The Times, but it doesn't mean Times Newspapers Ltd are going to use your product afterwards just because you advertised with them.###

Guess I'll have to take more notice in future

but I may give up now, I'm too old and that's probably my problem.
I did find the 'sweet as' sitcom winner very funny.

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BB do not be so silly. It's still a big marrow remember. My advice to you would to be write about a subject matter and characters you care about, rather than just a funny sit. And if you want to have character driven comedy then it is a lot easier to have them as real characters. People you know. Why not write a sitcom about retired actors who live in a home like the one beginning with D in Northwood.

Was it the old philospopher who said never give up the boat?

And I am going to make it my mission to use my marrow line in a script now. I must confess it made me chuckle, which is a terrible admission in a thread about someone else's hard work.

I didn't have time to read this all properly, so I've only got a few suggestions and comments.

I thought maybe you could have made more of a point that the teams are new anti-social behaviour (or whatever) squads?

I liked the line about deleting 'shit' from the minutes, but maybe some of the other gags rely on referring to other comedy (like the 'only gay in the team' bit), which might not be such a good idea and the racist fining idea is too much (for me anyway) like the brilliant Not the 9 O'Clock News sketch with the police officer arresting a black man for wearing a loud shirt in a built up area.

There was also a line about having more lip than Charlotte Church; maybe Lesley Ash would be a better example

I think not introducing the team is inspired. It makes the first few jokes more surprising. Though you could do a double bluff where at first you think they're proper tough coppers like the Sweeney.

I knew a few in my sitcom....Maggie is me...supercilious/pompous/bossy.
The camp gay in the piece,I acted with in a comedy, as I worked with many gays who I adore BTW...just love 'em, and the typist...well I had her doing my minutes But not at the council I hasten to add.
I chose the situation because this country is becoming absolutely ridiculous, we [personally] daren't put our bins out the night before etc......gone are the days when bin men came in the backyard and carried them on their backs...ah, real men then
But I digress. I totally take in everyone's points on here and am grateful for the replies.

It is a little light on gags BB.

Good to see Sal's jobsworths wasn't a total waste of time.

Quote: Ray Dawson @ September 7 2008, 2:00 PM BST

It is a little light on gags BB.

Good to see Sal's jobsworths wasn't a total waste of time.

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I always had great compliments for Sal's ideas/humour.Like her cafe one...brill
Hope she's ok.
I can stick a hundred gags in there but it still doesn't constitute a UK sitcom, it becames a USA one.

What is your favourite UK sitcom BB?