Script removed after controversy later in thread.
Sitcom Trial Script
Too long for me. I'd imagine when they all get back from the meet-up there'll be plenty of people willing to slag it off. 
Hey BB I don't care about your attitude, but the formatting here does me in, Would love to read it in some kind of way i recognise. 
That script is the gayest thing which I've never read.
Quote: Griff @ September 6 2008, 8:59 PM BSTBushbaby, I can't speak for others, but that hostile attitude is exactly why I don't want to comment on your stuff.
Quote: frostyboy @ September 6 2008, 10:13 PM BSTThat script is the gayest thing which I've never read.
I take it you have read this then?
I persevered despite the formatting. As you say, it is gag light, and some of those are a bit old (e.g. "We're having turkey", which was also kind of shoe-horned in) . You have gone for character comedy. Maggie came across clearly enough, as did Wayne and Sophie, if a little stereotyped. Andy and Pete I did not quite get a handle on, and Ian was a blank. I think part of the problem is that there is not a lot of differentation in the relationships between characters. Each character needs to relate in a different way to each other character. And in the boys dialogue with Maggie, and with one another, that did not come across strongly enough. I also felt that character was shown through what we were told about the characters, rather than through the characters revealing themselves through a distinctive voice.
But building amusing characters and character dynamics in a 15 minutes script has got to be a challenge, so well done on the attempt, and for being brave enough to post!
Quote: bushbaby @ September 6 2008, 5:04 PM BST
That's extremely gag light!
I'll have a look if you post it back up.
I was in Greenwich tonight getting loved up with the BSG possee.
Quote: Timbo @ September 6 2008, 11:02 PM BSTI persevered despite the formatting. As you say, it is gag light, and some of those are a bit old (e.g. "We're having turkey", which was also kind of shoe-horned in) . You have gone for character comedy. Maggie came across clearly enough, as did Wayne and Sophie, if a little stereotyped. Andy and Pete I did not quite get a handle on, and Ian was a blank. I think part of the problem is that there is not a lot of differentation in the relationships between characters. Each character needs to relate in a different way to each other character. And in the boys dialogue with Maggie, and with one another, that did not come across strongly enough. I also felt that character was shown through what we were told about the characters, rather than through the characters revealing themselves through a distinctive voice.
But building amusing characters and character dynamics in a 15 minutes script has got to be a challenge, so well done on the attempt, and for being brave enough to post!
Thank you Timbo, the format went haywire when I put it on here and I spent some time getting it in some order.
Your points are valid but to me, many sitcoms have the same type characters ..i.e... Royal family...My family...Last of The Summer Wine etc.
I sometimes think rules only apply to rejected scripts.
The reason I said what the characters are like [and you're right one shouldn't have to] is that it is so difficult to get a tone of voice by reading a script.
The cops in Last of The Summer Wine ....their dialogue is so banal but it is how it is acted/said that makes it so funny. On the page it will be nothing but the writer is so well established he will have explained how he wanted the characters to be. Had it been a new writer, I suspect not one editor would have got the humour.
I think the cops are the funniest in it.But thanks again, very much appreciated.
I deleted the post because it was a bit egotistical of me and perhaps too long for readers.
Put it back BB I wan't to read it. But ten o'clock on a saturday night and my judgement is impaired - and my vision - so I was waiting till this morning.
Quote: Marc P @ September 7 2008, 11:21 AM BSTPut it back BB I wan't to read it. But ten o'clock on a saturday night and my judgement is impaired - and my vision - so I was waiting till this morning.
done
Hi BB,
I enjoyed reading this.
I loved the wet paint line
As an example though it highlights how you delivered it that you are hiding your jokes amongst too much banter. You need to tee them up a bit. E.g.
IAN: I nabbed a grafitti artist, felt a bit mean really, I think he was just trying to be helpful.
WAYNE: Why, what did he write?
IAN: Wet paint.
I can see what you mean about character comedy but that doesn't mean you can't have 'gags' peppered throughout. LOTSW would never ever have been picked as a Sitcom Trials script... ever, because they want verbal gags and plenty off them to get the live audience laughing. I would suggest looking at Dinner Ladies as more the thing, very much character based but still plemty of gags.
One thing that puzzled me was what these people actually were. Do the council have teams going round doing people for litter and having sex on gravestones etc?? I'm not sure I believed the premise so it made the character perhaps a little less real for me.
Quote: Marc P @ September 7 2008, 12:14 PM BSTHi BB,
I enjoyed reading this.
I loved the wet paint line
As an example though it highlights how you delivered it that you are hiding your jokes amongst too much banter. You need to tee them up a bit. E.g.
IAN: I nabbed a grafitti artist, felt a bit mean really, I think he was just trying to be helpful.
WAYNE: Why, what did he write?
IAN: Wet paint.
I can see what you mean about character comedy but that doesn't mean you can't have 'gags' peppered throughout. LOTSW would never ever have been picked as a Sitcom Trials script... ever, because they want verbal gags and plenty off them to get the live audience laughing. I would suggest looking at Dinner Ladies as more the thing, very much character based but still plemty of gags.
One thing that puzzled me was what these people actually were. Do the council have teams going round doing people for litter and having sex on gravestones etc?? I'm not sure I believed the premise so it made the character perhaps a little less real for me.
Thanks Marc. Yes, you must have heard all the restrictions that are being put onto us these days by councils...can't leave the bin lid open or you're fined. Can't drop litter/butt ends...you're fined. They call them jobsworths and are employed by the councils to 'snoop' on the public. It is topical.
With other sitcoms I have written they have been gag loaded and the beeb just won't have it. They don't think it's the British way, more USA.
As these trials are connected with the beeb and the winning one is selected to perhaps go forward as a beeb sitcom, I tried to keep the style which they seem to prefer.......usually.
Thanks for reading it.
Yes your 'wet paint' lines are far better, I see what you mean.
Quote: bushbaby @ September 7 2008, 12:23 PM BSTThanks Marc. Yes, you must have heard all the restrictions that are being With other sitcoms I have written they have been gag loaded and the beeb just won't have it. They don't think it's the British way, more USA.
As these trials are connected with the beeb and the winning one is selected to perhaps go forward as a beeb sitcom, I tried to keep the style which they seem to prefer.......usually.
That's not true BB, have a read of Micheal's blog on the BBC site on the matter of gags in sitcoms.
Quote: Marc P @ September 7 2008, 12:26 PM BSTThat's not true BB, have a read of Micheal's blog on the BBC site on the matter of gags in sitcoms.
Yes I have read Micheal's blogs which are excellent and informative. But it is confusing, I had one editor saying sitcoms are not made up of gags.
As I said earlier, I think the rules only apply to rejected scripts
Quote: Griff @ September 7 2008, 12:33 PM BSTAlso, the Trials are not "connected with the BBC". Last year the winning sitcom got a deal with Pozzitive Productions, an independent prodco who make programmes for all channels.
Well, originally with this comp, can you remember Simon asked for a five pound fee. he then had to return all the cheques as he had been instructed by the Beeb not to charge 
....I hope that's the 'confused' icon.
But I truly have not put my script up because I thought it should have won....there are fab/brill writers out there. I put it up for comment and in the hope others would put theirs up so we can sort of see the quality out there.
Just as a point of interest Marc, the following is on the beebs live 5 forum today.
............
'Councils are using anti-terrorism laws to spy on residents and tackle barking dogs and noisy children.'
www.telegraph.co.uk/...
By the time the people of this country have woken up to the fact that we are heading irrevocably towards a police state, it will be too late! I just hope the Tories reverse a lot of this Orwellian BS when they get in.