Stand-up

Here's a little stand-up I tossed off here in the Eternal City for your pleasure or pain.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen… Well I’m in a good mood, I’ve got a new bedsit and there’s a sink in the corner so in the morning I don’t have to get to the toilet. Still gotta wipe my arse afterwards, but… No I am happy, happy to be surrounded by all these lovely people – ’cause I have a problem, I have a problem with drinking. I throw up and have to wait a minute before I can start again… Really it got so bad my friend convinced me to go to Alcoholics Anonymous so I agreed, I was completely determined to go but on the way there I passed a pub and… Got there six weeks later. Guy gets up, ‘My name’s Eric and I’m an alcoholic.’ Second guy gets up, ‘My name’s Bob and I’m an alcoholic.’ I get up, ‘This is great, where’s the booze?’… ’Cause they’re so negative there, they go, ‘It’s awful, I drink when I’m alone.’ Well how do you think I feel, I drink when I’m not alone. When I’m with other people, people I normally like, people I gotta face the next day… Know the feeling, you wake up, what the f**k did you say last night?… Er, nothing – boss… But he can’t talk, he drinks so much his liver’s declared a twenty-four-hour strike. Helps it blend in with the Italian transport service. Trade Union meeting: ‘We got buses, teachers, now we got this fat bastard’s liver…’

’Cause what is wrong with transport in Rome? These f**kers could co-ordinate an empire in Africa, you ain’t telling me they can’t get you from one f**king bus stop to the next. So now they’re developing Metro C. Imaginative guys they got working here, ‘We have Metro A, Metro B, what’re we gonna call the new one? Um…’ Maybe it’s a sort of Spice Girls thing, y’know Mel B, Mel C… ’Cause I come from England. You go to the zebra crossing, the cars wait, it’s fine. Here it’s like a f**king bet. ‘All right bus, ten-to-one you’re gonna splatter my guts across the Forum…’ Maybe it’s a machismo thing, you’re meant to stand there and, ‘Come on you f**king taxis, come on, I got more gas coming outa my arse’ – that’s probably true actually – it’s just I hate waiting for the buses ’cause of the people you meet there. Guy yesterday scratching the old arse, scrunching the old nads – I said ‘Get your hands off me’ – then he starts talking at me in Italian so I say, ‘Scusi, non parlo italiano’ – complete lie, I’m fluent, I just didn’t wanna talk to him. Just my luck, he speaks perfect English, he goes, ‘There’s nothing worse than waiting for a bus when you’re in a hurry, eh?’ Well I disagree, I think there are things slightly worse. What about being anally raped by a gorilla? I think that’d come a little lower on the bad-things-that-could-happen-to-you hit parade…

But I reckon I’ve worked out why Italian transport’s so bad. You’re jealous of London transport. You got this camp girlie woofter voice going, ‘The next stop will be central station, please do ensure you have purchased a valid ticket,’ we got ‘MIND THE GAP… Mind the f**king gap you f**king wuss…’ Bit of a boring job, don’t you think? Guy’s probably got six hundred degrees, just sitting there going, ‘MIND THE GAP…’ ’Course you know that’s Ben Elton doing that don’t you? ’Cause his career’s drying up a little, the ‘Young Ones’ was great, ‘Blackadder’ was great, then it was ‘The Thin Blue Line’ and ‘Can’t get my tongue outa Andrew Lloyd Webber’s catflap’ the musical, now he’s just sitting there going, ‘MIND THE GAP, yes indeed, bit o’ politics, period pains, MIND THE GAP, ladies and gentlemen I was trying to make love to my wife, she goes, “Benjy, MIND THE…”’

Well he’s made a career out of it. And so could I if I didn’t get so nervous on stage. Last night I came on, ‘Good evening ladies and (poo noise)’… Oh God. Spent five hours looking for a sink.

I’ll leave you with that thought. Thank you and goodnight.

It was very good Michael. I hope that the style you're aiming for is a sort of angrier woody allen (without the accent). I think it would work well.

I really enjoyed it.

I particularly liked the way you got back to the sink at the end(lol).

Very Good. I bet you go down a treat. With the audience I mean, nout rude there in that sentence. No siree. I am a good girl from a catholic family well somewhere in my family history anyway.

More please. Comedy I mean not well you know.

I can see the reaction now. I think you'll get a good few laughs with this material. If not, they have no taste. Though that's assuming you deliver it as well as i imagine it being done.

I dunno if Im reading it wrong but I didn't laugh once reading it, it had some good lines in there but nothing that made me think it was great.

EDIT: ok read it through liking it more... don't get all the roman transport thing but whatever, everyone seems to like it... I like the opening paragraph the most, I'd need to see it really... I hate reading my own routines nevermind other peoples!

It is sort of "how is it said" that makes it funny. The greatest jokes can be dismal is said wrong, while the simplest can be hilerious if told perfectly.

Paul reading an excert of stand up won't make you laugh. Its all about the delivery, if its delivered right then it will be funny. You should watch the aristorcrats and imagine how unfunny the stand up would be in written form.
Michael I'll repeat what I said earlier this will go down very well especially the pay off at the end, going back to the sink, unless the audience are completely sloshed.

Quote: charley rance @ June 11, 2007, 3:50 PM

Very Good. I bet you go down a treat. With the audience I mean, nout rude there in that sentence. No siree. I am a good girl from a catholic family well somewhere in my family history anyway.

View original

Now that explains a lot!!!!!!!

I must say though that I've never seen a stand-up routine written down like that. Doyou always have it scripted or is the starting point to branch off at various tangents - depending on the reaction of the audience?

Some of it was very funny.

I have it all written out verbatum. I would only go off topic for three reasons, when:

I think of something funny (doesn't happen often)
I am heckled
I am having a nervous breakdown (that does happen often)

Heres an example of what I write down

Have you ever heard women saying that the clitoris is the only organ which is created purely for pleasure. I have two problems with this. Firstly, since when is a clitoris an organ? A heart is and organ, lungs are an organ but a clitoris is not. You don’t see doctors doing clitoris transplants. And if you’re an organ donor you wouldn’t want to get to heaven without a clitoris, you’ll be f**ked. But you wouldn’t feel anything. Secondly I can think of another reason why a clitoris was created. To give young men premature arthritis. You know your with a girl who’s not ready you have to improvise so you use your fingers. Now being inexperienced you never find it but both of you are so embarrassed you spend the next half hour in awkward silence. Then the man leaves and notices his hand is shaking. Then he thinks shit why the f**k did I use my wanking hand.

AJP. *claps*

I though I would have a go. I dont know if any of this has ever been used before but hey.....

Well I thought I would end tonight a little bit Explicitly.
Lets talk about the Penis. Now you are all a little obsessed with this this THING in one way or another. Even you Madam.(points to a woman with short hair). Yes Madam I am pointing at You. You may prefer a little lap on the ol Jack Danny but then you will go into your drawer and pull out a strap on. You stll want a bit of man even if its plastic.Anywahey. The penis. Now You’d have thought that when God or Mummy nature whatever your beliefs, designed this object that they would be aware of 1 major discrepancy.
ITS FUCKING UGLY.
I mean it is made to attract the female species. Couldn’t they have put a few pretty flowers on it or something. Maybe a little border. It needs something. It is grotesque. I mean did they not think. A poor woman is expected to look & touch that yukky thing and most men think sucking is an obligatory law to be upheld at all times..
Make the f**king ugly bastard more attractive.
The worst thing about a penis is that its attached to a f**king spastic.
Why did they make it such hard work for women too. I mean at first when you have just met the Penis its responsive very quickly. Then the longer you date it the harder you have to work to get the f**ker up. . I tell you life as a woman is ridiculously harsh. (Male voice) Go on baby just suck it for a while. I know your jaw will lock and your throat will feel like sand paper.
Do you know how a guy thanks you for sucking his cock. He places his hands on the back of your head and forces your face right down. Then when you are choking to death and your arms are flailing about he drowns you. Thanks honey. I love you too. So anyway (Mans voice) Suck it baby oh go on. I do it for you.
Now there is a difference here before I go any further. Lying or kneeling comfortably and gently laping is not the same thing. (Looks at the woman with short hair again….”Is it madam) Its not. If any of you guys don’t believe me then TRY IT FOR YOURSELF.
Oiiiiiii You. (points to a man in the audience) Would you put a penis in your mouth. No! Don’t expect your lady too then. God so hypocritical.
What about the mess a penis makes. 1/2 a teaspoon. BOLLOX! That stuff drips for an eternity. My knickers are still catching it 2 days after the fact.
The last thing I want to say about a penis is that men do love to show each other theirs. Its like .(Male voice) yaheyyyy Look at mine Alan. Look if I pull it and stretch its even longer.That’s a good 8 inches. Look Alan you hold it and I will back up. Lets see how far it will stretch. Boys & their toys eh.
Now I am off. Its been a pleasure. I have turned myself right on now so I am away for a play with the microphone. Which incidently looks like a penis. Yes because you have to put your mouth near it. Designed by a man of course.

Quote: charley rance @ June 12, 2007, 12:15 AM

Maybe a little border.

View original

Charley, it was OK. I think you have a base for something, trying slipping in a few more gags() along the way. Try digressing from the topic to fill it out a bit more as well.

But I'm no expert at writing stand up.

But it was OK, nice try.

Quote: charley rance @ June 12, 2007, 12:15 AM

That stuff drips for an eternity.

View original

My favorite line ever.

I liked it Charley very funny, obviously u would have to give a good delivery but very good. I can see what Leevil is saying but most open mic audiences would lap it up. I can see a potential double act, I'll offend the women, you can offend the men then we can finish off by offending everyone.

Mmmm. Interesting!!!

I hope that the style you're aiming for is a sort of angrier woody allen (without the accent).
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Thank you. I'll take that as a compliment as long as it doesn't refer to my dealings with any Oriental ladies I may choose to foster.