Speed Dating

Amy is trying out speed dating. She takes a seat opposite the first guy.

Amy
Hi My name is Amy

Man 1
Yea look can I save time, Your not really my type so can you move on.(Eyeing up the cleavage of the blonde on the next table)

Amy
(Perplexed) Well I will have to stand like a pleb till the whistle blows & the next seat becomes available cant you atleast be polite.

Man 1
(Shrugs)

Amy
What do you look for in a woman.

Man 1
Nothing like you and everything you aint. (Still ogling the Blonde’s chest)

Amy
Are you wanking (looks under the table) You are your wanking away like a Trojan

Man 1
(Embarrassed) I am not. (puts both his hands on the table)

Amy
You were. (Stands up) (Shouts out & points) This man is a Wanker

The Host for the evening says
Madam please calm down, there is no need to be abusive about this gentleman.

Amy
He was leering at that woman’s chest (points to the blonde) and wanking away ferociously

Man 1
I was not.

Amy
Was too. You disgusting bas…..

The host blows the whistle
Amy grabs her bag off the table in disgust and moves to the next table staring back at Man 1 with contempt.

Amy
(Nervous)Hi my name is Amy

Man 2
Hi Amy, my name is Josh and currently I am not a wanker. (waves his two hands around and places them on the table)

Amy
(Laughs) I am glad to hear that Josh. So what do you look for in a woman.

Man 2
Ohhhh! A warm smile & sense of humour

Amy
WoW! That’s nice.

Man 2
A decent pair of Jugs & a nice arse are pretty important too.

Amy
(Laughs) Very funny

Man 2
No I mean it. I cant stand flat chested women nor fatties.

Amy
(Raises her voice) Are you calling me flat chested and fat.

Man 2
No not at all (Looks around the room smiling then under his breath) Egg tits

Amy
(Shocked) I beg your pardon.

Man 2
Calm down Amy. I was a ctually thinking you look a bit like that famous bird Oh whats her name Sarah someone, Oh yes I remember That Sarah who has eaten Jessica & Parker.

Amy
(Gasps) How dare you call me Fat. Your no Brad Pitt more Bad Pits. You stink of BO

The host blows his whistle. Amy snatches up her bag & moves to the next table.(Glares back at Man 2)

Amy
(Cautious) Hi my name is Amy

Man 3
Hi Amy (smiles) My name is Adam.

Amy
(Chewing on her lips) Hi Adam, what do you look for In a woman you see.

Man 3
A pulse is a good start.

Amy
(Big Sigh) Really

Man 3
Yes! Well I am a doctor.

Amy
(Sits up in her chair) Really?

Man 3
(Smiles) Yes.

Amy
What kind of Doctor.

Man 3
Well in a nutshell I perform autopsies.

Amy
(Shoulders sag)

Man 3
Oh, sorry to disappoint

Amy
I didn’t mean that, sorry. So anyhoo, after a pulse what do you look for next.

Man 3.
The cause of death.

Amy
(Laughs) Seriously What do you look for in alive women.

Man 3
Life expectancy.

Amy
(Giggling) Come on be serious.

Man 3
I am. I don’t want to date a woman, fall for her then have to end up carving her up because she drank or smoked too much,. Or she drove to fast, ate too much fatty material blah blah blah.

Amy
(Mouth open)

Man 3
Only joking. Just trying to break the ice. I am not really any kind of Dr. I actually had a big accident at work lost my job my house and my girlfriend at the same time.

Amy
(Mouth opens wider) You are more eerie than the last two fellas

Man 3
(Leans closer to her). Where are my hands Amy

Amy
(Confused) then (Realisation) Your wanking under the table aren’t you. (Shouts) Another Wanker here.

Man 3
No Amy, (He pulls out two arms with hooks on the end) Where are my hands?.

There's some lovely lines in there (as usual for your stuff, charley) and 'Bad Pits' is very funny!

I didn't get the ending though. I mean it was funny if you're into surreal and dark humour (which I am) but I don't think it matched the rest of the piece. That's not to say you can't go zooming off in another direction of course. There are no rules as such. Ultimately, if you keep experimenting, you'll end up with your own 'thing'... and you're obviously well on the way.

Great stuff! More... more!

Cheers Darren. I had no idea as usual what the ending would be as I wrote this. I didnt even know what it was going to be about until I started. LOL.

It does zoom off in a different direction eh!
I wanted Man 3 to be a real Dr then wrote him out to be something different entirely. I think I am a Mado.

Thanks for your comments Hun. Esp. the Great stuff! More more. I may be falling in love with you.xx

Loved it Charley - I was laughing as I read it.

This wasn't written from experience was it?

It's OK cos I'm a leg man (or not OK as the case may be)

What does 'anyhoo' mean?

I loved it too

I always look forward to reading your sketches and they always make me laugh.

Great set-up and I liked the ending too.

Quote: Godot Taxis @ June 10, 2007, 4:40 PM

What does 'anyhoo' mean?

View original

It means Anyway. It is not mine. I stole it from Scrubs. Lots of peeps use it.

Thanks Jude & Dave & everybody for their time & comments.
Mucho apprecio

Quote: charley rance @ June 10, 2007, 3:28 PM

Cheers Darren. I had no idea as usual what the ending would be as I wrote this. I didnt even know what it was going to be about until I started. LOL.

It does zoom off in a different direction eh!
I wanted Man 3 to be a real Dr then wrote him out to be something different entirely. I think I am a Mado.

Thanks for your comments Hun. Esp. the Great stuff! More more. I may be falling in love with you.xx

View original

LOL! Mado is good.

Thats ok then Darren. *bangs head against the wall till her eyes fall out* I like to be a mado

So can i pop this in with Town Heads peeps. I only need 1 more sketch then its all diddly done.

Good luck with your Town Heads. Have you finished it yet?

Very nearly David. Can i call you David C. That way i can name you David (What does the C stand for). Can I pleeeeeeeeeeease. I want to. Let me. Its a little nickname out of lurrrrrrrrrrrrve.xx

I was thinking of changing it seeing as there are so many Daves and Davids on here now. So what should I call myself????????

that could of been really rubbish

but no it wasnt yet again your shining

That's all the sweat.