Agent

DAME HELEN MIRREN IS VISITING HER MALE AGENT.

AGENT
Dame Helen, love, thanks for coming in. Take your coat off.

DAME HELEN
Just my coat?

AGENT
Yes, dear, you're not on set now.

DAME HELEN
It's no trouble...

AGENT
No, that's all right. Take a seat. Now, about your options. Obviously biopics have done well for you in the past few years, what with Calendar Girls and The Queen, but I'm not sure about this one.

DAME HELEN
I really want to do it.

AGENT
But you can't sing.

DAME HELEN
I can mime.

AGENT
But it's a male role.

DAME HELEN
Yes I know. Honestly, this is just the sort of attitude I fought against in Prime Suspect.

AGENT
You won't be able to go nude.

DAME HELEN
Oh no! Well, maybe they'd let me show a bit of my arse.

AGENT
Possibly, but Dame Helen, do you really want to star in The Barry Manilow Story?

DAME HELEN
Yes, you fool, can you imagine how much cocaine I could get up that nose?

AGENT
(PAUSE) Actually, could you take your clothes off now?

DAME HELEN
Right you are.

ENDS

Another good one. Laughed out loud at the third line. I remember Prime Suspect from when I was a nipper.

I really liked that Prime Suspect line too.

The Barry Manilow/cocaine bit fell flat though. Personally, I think the coke thing is a plain clunker but I think that's down to my prejudice of "torn from the headlines" humour. I can appreciate how it would score a laugh with the right crowd but I do think it needs a little tweaking.

It's a question of logic - Mirren wanting to play Manilow so she can get a bigger nose just doesn't make sense unless she's planning on having facial surgery. What if she were though, in a classic 'method' turn, and what if rather than Manilow she were wanting to play Virginia Woolf? Her agent argues that Nicole Kidman did it already in The Hours and Mirren rubbishes her performance, saying she's prepared to go the extra mile and have her face surgically altered for the part. Then the agent twigs to what she's really up to.

Just a thought.

I like the idea of facial surgery, David, and may well work it in, but the preposterousness of Mirren playing male just to get a bigger sniff of cocaine appealed to me.

Aw, and you spunked your 2,000th post on me. I'm touched.

And now I'm spunking my Arthur C Clarke post on you.

It's good but I'd go for a simpler punch.

Maybe just, Tony Montoya in Scarface?

But funny nicely paced sketch, and I like the obsession with her wanting to go nude.

I loved the nude thing and and the Prime Suspect gag, but agree with David on the whole Barry Manilow thing.

Isn't the whole point that it's topical? Imagine it appearing on Spitting Image the week Mirren's cocaine revelations appeared in the press (i.e. this week).