D head

JOURNALIST DOING DOCUMENTARY TALKING TO CAMERA IN FRONT OF A FACTORY, STANDING NEXT TO A GUY CALLED JIM IN A FLAT CAP AND A BROWN WORKS COAT.

JOURNALIST

Good evening, nature versus nurture are we born or are we made? Tonight on look North we answer this question, because if you're a dick. Chances are you were made in Pettigrews and son Dick Head factory.

INSIDE THE FACTORY SOME CRAFTS MEN ARE ASSEMBLING A JEREMY CLARKSON

JOURNALIST
So are all your dick heads made by hand?

JIM
Aye and have been since me great grandad founded the company in 1854. Look at this Jeremy Clarkson we're making.

JOURNALIST.
It certainly looks well designed.

JIM
Arse hole at both ends and a guranteed life time of loud opinions on minor diferences between Mercedes. Not to mention a vast bank of anti BBC jokes, even as it hypocritically takes their pay cheques.

JOURNALIST
But the UK hand built dick head industry is in decline isn't it?

JIM
It's those bloody Americans. Who wants a smarmy Jeremy Kyle, when yer Yank George Bush is invading sovereugn nations? A shouty Kerry Katona can't compete with a minge flashing Britney.

THEY ARE NOW AT A ROOM MARKED TOP SECRET.

JOURNALIST
And of course competition from the far east.

JIM
Oh bloody aye, in there we have something I picked up in Beijing last summer.

THEY GO RICHARD LITTLEJOHN IS SITTING ON A CHAIR. HE MAY BE SWEATING OR IT MAY BE LIQUID EVIL SEEPING OUT OF HIS PORES.

RICHARD
If women are raped or murdered it's their fault for being women, no one asked them to be, I didn't.

JIM FLICKS SOMETHING BEHIND RICHARD'S EAR.

RICHARD
Men are just incomplate women, it's a woman's write to stab her husband...

JOURNALIST.
Oh my gosh.

JIM
Thry fitted him as a Daily Mail Dick head columnist, and a Guardian lefty wanker. It's just wrong.

JIM AND JOURNALIST ARE SHARING A CUP OF TEAS IN THE CANTEEN.

JOURNALIST
But doesn't being part of the EU help your industry? All those huge trapped markets?

JIM
You'd think so but dick head production in the 60s in Europe was unchecked. There's a huge European dickhead lake, tens of millions of dickheads.

JOURNALIST
Where is this vast store of dick heads?

JIM
I believe it's called France.

Excellent. Poor the French.

Littlejohn really is a tit. But I like Clarkson.

Yes but he is a dick head in a likeable sort of way.

It's funny AND educational.

Sootyj is funucational.

Clarkson at least invites himself and his opinions to be ridiculed all the time. He does script the show after all. I can't stand Littlejohn. I remember hearing a rumour way back when he had his little discussion show that he would have his mic turned up louder so he could easily drown out the person he interrupted whose opinion he disagreed with.

I can believe it of the evil bumhole.

Clarkson I think likes having the mickey taken he has all the Viz strips on himself framed.

I hope my pisstake on him is more a case of good natured joshing.

Did you like the skit it's self?

Oh rly? I didn't know that about the viz strips. Did you catch a very sheepish and unconvincing Steve Coogan trying to assure Jeremy 'you've got to love it to do it (pastiche the subject ie him) right'

I think if the skit was on a sketch show it would feature episode after episode after episode with everyone wanting to write one.

Thanks may have a crack at a sequel.

Jezzer wrote a whole Sun editorial on enjoying having the piss taken by Viz. He's a real top presenter and his books aren't bad.

Littlejohn has enormous talent but he's so vile it's wasted.

There's an interview on Youtube somewhere, where Micheal Winner serves him his arse on a plate.

Lovely stuff Sooty. Very funny with a cracking pay off.

Only quibble (apart from the usual proofreading bit) was with this bit:

Quote: sootyj @ August 28 2008, 7:47 AM BST

RICHARD
If women are raped or murdered it's their fault for being women, no one asked them to be, I didn't.

JIM FLICKS SOMETHING BEHIND RICHARD'S EAR.

RICHARD
Men are just incomplate women, it's a woman's write to stab her husband...

JOURNALIST.
Oh my gosh.

JIM
Thry fitted him as a Daily Mail Dick head columnist, and a Guardian lefty wanker. It's just wrong.

View original

I'm not sure it is clear enough - they fitted him as both, with a switch? Doesn't seem to make sense to me. Maybe better if they just fitted him as the Guardian lefty by mistake, as that confounds the expectation? Although then you'd lose your acutely observed Littlejohn line about no-one asking them to be women, which is great.

Anyway, overall I really liked it.

If I send it anywhere I'll add a line about an optional switch.

Thanks.