First draft of a sitcom pilot: The Sexy Party

It's a total mess but I'm told that's what first drafts are meant to look like. It's very much a first draft actually, I put the last word on the page about ten minutes ago. Maybe it's more like draft 0.5.

Usually I'd leave it for a day or two to stew in my subconsious before evaluating if it was any good but I'm kind of interested in what people think now. Besides, I know what conclusion I generally come to when evaluating my own work after a few days.

Anyway, the script can be viewed here (sorry it's in .doc format, I didn't fancy spending the rest of the next inserting line breaks in a cut and paste version) http://www.2shared.com/file/3834556/ac4ed9cb/THE_SEXY_PARTY.html

Please, tell me what you think. Especially if you have any ideas on how you think I could make it work better when and if I rewrite it.

And, not that I think anyone will go through the hassle, suggestions and rewrites are fine.

These characters pretty much evolved organically as I writing so there may well be inconsistancies. I think I know who they all are now, though. The other day I came up with a scene about Sylvia's mother... When am I going to use her? I don't know... Hey... There's a Dr. Hook song called Sylvias mother.
I just realised... I'm tired... That's probably why I made Sonia so tired in the last scene... this is getting incoherant... I'm going to bed.

But before I go, Ideas for future storylines (taken from a text document I wrote a few weeks ago and not be me just now in this sleep-deprived state)... I'm not sure I would have continued writing this if I didn't know that a future episode could be called 'Couscous Bang Bang':

Couscous Bang Bang: Sonia puts Charlotte on a strict diet and exercise routine, causing Charlotte to subconsiously start eating clothes. While Chris is on a religious pilgrimage (he believes his karma is unbalanced due to him being plagued with comedy cliches), Sylvia forgets to water Mr Pee Pee and recruits the caretaker of the gangster-owned cannabis factory in the house next door to save him.

Sexing the City: Charlotte and Sonia go on the pull in which Charlotte demonstrates her technique of 'bloke fishing'. It is revealed that Chris and Charlotte have a past. A sexy past.

The Vagina Monotone: Chris uses Sylvia's vagisil to soothe an itch but then becomes increasingly paranoid that a vagina will grow on the back of his knee. Cue David Croneberg homages. Sylvia and Sonia become trapped in an elevator and spend the entire time finding ways to physically hurt each other, character development does not occur.

Sex Kittens: Charlotte and Sonias home becomes infested with kittens, which they try to find good homes for. Sylvia wants to turn them into fur coats, at one point she smokes a reefer through a cruella deville style cigarette holder and expresses annoyance and not being able to reach the end to relight it, upon being asked why doesn't asdd some tobacco she responds 'because the tobacco industry is unethical!' Aliens are in this episode, just so you know.

The Thespian and the Lesbian: Sonia discovers she's in love with Charlotte and vows never to see her again, unfortunately they are cast opposite each other in a pantomime (featuring a drama club who say everything in the style of a greek chorus)

Got to page 14 and need to goto work.

You have some good lines and images. I like the guy buried by garbage.

But the first 12 pages is just 12 pages of banter and a little exposition.

Some of it's funny but after a while it's draining. Also Men Bhenaving Badly and the Young Ones did gross out.

But not continuosly which this is.

The characters are all a little over cooked and loud.

54 pages is also very long for a sitcom 30 pages is more like half hour length.

Do bin men really hand you next doors knickers and tell them where they come from? Aren't they more likely to just give you a £1000 fine?

It's got potential but sitcoms have multiple intersecting plots, short scenes and much of the humour comes from the situations them selves.

Quote: Eggie @ August 28 2008, 2:18 AM BST

It's a total mess but I'm told that's what first drafts are meant to look like.

View original

Maybe to the writer... maybe? But not when you show someone.

I've read it and enjoyed it. Some clever ideas and strong characterisation. I did feel as though I was reading a more extreme version of The Odd Couple, though - some of it lacked a touch more originality. The last scene really doesn't satisfactorily conclude things for me. The dead flatmate is not really a character, so her eccentricities are conveyed only anecdotally. Furthermore, the apparent switches between realism and absurdity are confusing. The severed hand at the start - lose it, or the audience will be deeply confused by Lisa. Like the blokes around the flat and the 50s gang. Also like Chris' character, though I can't see him smashing a bass guitar.

Still, it's better than many unbroadcast sitcom scripts - well done.

Yes, it is the odd couple. I'm not going to lie and say there's any shred of originality in the premise. Thank goodness I'm co-writing that 1984 inspired sitcom script to balance it out.

I did notice the tonal shifts, to be honest I think I'd rather make the less surreal moments more like the strange ones than the other way around... I might change the severed hand to something else, though. A condom? A live goldfish? I'll think of something...

Chris does what he's told, whether it be by Sylvia (usually), Sonia, Charlotte or Mr. Pee Pee. I like him too, though; He's a sweetheart. Imagine a man smashing a bass guitar in the most timid, robotic way ever.

I can't imagine Beryl ever working as an actual character, I imagine her basically as a monster who does nothing but scream and eat... and learn how to be a doctor.

I hate that last scene. I hate it with burning passion... actually I don't hayte it so much as I hate where it is. I wanted to end the show at the funeral but I could find a convieniant place in the story to explain Lisa and Sonias living arrangements for the show. Blah... it's terrible storytelling... Maybe if they went straight from the 50's fight to the funeral then it would seem more natural to go to a scene that takes place days later. I dunno...

I also realised in the shower this morning... Sonia's asthma mysteriously vanishes halfway through the show. It's a miracle!

EDIT: I totally missed SootyJ's post

I know the script meanaders at the beginning but if I took it out then I'm not what I'd fill it with... Storyline? I'm not sure I have any left...

Am I not the only one who thought Men Behaving Baly and The Young Ones were pretty lame when they weren't doing gross out hmour?

I'll ry and limit the overcooked loudness to Sonia.

It's in the BBC studio audience format which is about 40 seconds per page, the Two Pints of Lager script they have up as an example is 50 pages so I used that as a template... just for page count, obviously not... anything else.

The knickers were found draped over a peanut plant; Gavin the binman identified them. I'll try and make that more clear.

I was frightened of short scenes because every time you start a new scene in the format, it has to be on a new page... I thought it might be a device to prevent short scenes and prevent the studio audience from having to wait while new shots are set up.

I'm not the biggest fan of the whole sub-plot thing, i prefer things to be more fcused. Get A Life rarely had subplots, and what it sacrificed in slickness (not having other characters to convieniantly cut to while boring stuff had to be set in place to cintinue the story) I think it made up for in the way you invested in Chris Elliot's experience. Of course, Get A Life had a much more proactive main character... I'm aware these ones (apart from Sylvia) just kind of stand around while the story happens around them. Problem there... A few of the future ideas use a more traditional A Story, B Story form... maybe I'll try writing one and see if I like it.

What do you mean humour coming from the situation itself? Do you mean it should it more high concept that just people who live together? like they should be circus performers or be squatting in a church belfry?

Is that 15 Freshmen line as bad as I think it is? Is it worse than 'Not Going Out'? I feel I shiould apologise for the 15 Freshmen line...

I'll read the rest when I get a chance.

But the advice I always get is if you can't hold the reader in the first 10 pages it's going in the bin.

I wish someone had told me before I wrote the other 40.

Ten pages is an over exageration to make it sound fair. It's not what actually happens.

Maybe I'll change it so it opens with a car chase.

Quote: Marc P @ August 28 2008, 12:48 PM BST

Ten pages is an over exageration to make it sound fair. It's not what actually happens.

View original

Maybe but that's what Writer's room suggest, also it's all some prodcos ask for.

I know that's what the Writersroom asks for Sootyj, what I was saying was that most, if not all, of the readers will have made a judgement way before ten pages. Some people won't even finish the first page.

Aaah now I understand I thought you meant the otherway round.

I usually try and get a big first word, line and page.

Seriously I do, it drives me a bit radio rental.

Do you think it would be easier to watch if I put a new scene at the beginning about Chris discovering the knickers on Mr. Pee Pee and shorten the original first scene?

It's not really expanding the story; just winding the clock back a bit. But it's all I can really think of right now.
It would also solve the problem of people thinking Gavin the bin man was a man who gives out panties to strangers rather than the upstanding citizen he is.

Yes with the music from Jaws!

I've just thought... Sonia would never touch a pair of used pants, she refuses to touch a doorknob that's touched used pants later in the script.
I should give her tongs.