Milkman problems

Here's a sketch I finished this morning.

Mr Pie.

EXT. Early morning outside the front of a house. Milkman walks up the garden path, a man is sat on the front door step smoking a cigarette.

MILKMAN
Morning. Ha-ha, you been kicked out of the house then?

DAVE
Yeah, the missus sent me to sit on the naughty step.

MILKMAN - (ANGRY)
That's enough mate! I'm your Milkman, not your counselor!

DAVE
Hey, hang on a minute!

MILKMAN
Listen pal, you want a pint of milk delivered, maybe some Cheese or Yogurt then give me a call, but I don't want to get involved in your personal problems. I've got enough of my own.

DAVE
Yeah, I can see that.

MILKMAN
Still, if it's a problem of a sexual nature I might be able to help.

DAVE
We're not having sexual problems! I'm only sat here because I don't want to smoke in the house.

MILKMAN
Ah right, sorry my mistake. I do apologise.

DAVE
That's ok.

MILKMAN
But if you do ever want some tips on how to please your old lady just give me a shout.

DAVE
Look, I'm sorry but I'm not comfortable receiving sex tips about my wife from the Milkman. In fact, if anything it's a bit suspicious.

MILKMAN
Suit yourself. But you'll be missing out on all this experience! In this job you see it all. Have you seen the film "Confessions of a Milkman"?

DAVE
Right, so your qualifications for handing out sexual advice to complete strangers is a cheesy 70s sex comedy?

MILKMAN
That film was not cheesy! You wouldn't tell a 30-something female that "Bridget Jones's diary" was cheesy would you?

DAVE
God no!

MILKMAN
Then don't mock "Confessions". That film touched a generation of milkmen, it could have been written about me.

Dave gets up off the step, he's finished his cigarette.

DAVE
I'm not listening to this crap anymore. You're pathetic! Women don't lust after Milkmen anymore, they want footballers, actors and celebrity chefs. You're a sad old man stuck in the past.

The Milkman feelings are hurt. He takes a bottle of milk out of his basket.

MILKMAN
Right. Erm sorry, I was just trying to help, here's your milk.

Dave looks guilty at going too far. The Milkman (Sad) walks off down the path, a woman across the road opens her front door in a sexy nightie, she giggles and waves at the Milkman.

MILKMAN
Morning Misses Lovejoy!! You going to invite me in for some Crumpets?

MISSES LOVEJOY
Ooh! You saucy bugger!

Have now copied and pasted it into the thread for people without PDFs.

The milkman's sudden change of tone at the beginning doesn't ring true to me.

Good point Alan, thanks. The angry lines were my first joke of this sketch and then it sort of went off in a different direction. I'm a sucker for never wanting to remove the original jokes that start my sketches even if they no longer fit.

I'll have a re-think. Re-reading it I'll probably make Dave a lot less cruel at the end too.

I'm not saying my wife's unfaithful but at the point of orgasm she always shouts out "Two pints please".

Anyway, enough of these crappy jokes. Given the tag, I thought it had a nice 70's feel to it, which I liked very much. I could even imagine a Sid James/ Barbara Windsor 'Carry On' moment. And thinking about Sid James and the way he used to deliver his lines, and if the pace was taken to his non-threatening level, then I think it would definitely add something special to a very nice piece of writing.

dear shoepie

ignore what "alan alexander" says or you could wipe you virtual ass with his comments

you need the begining like that to entice the audience.

the really weird thing is that you can imagine a milkman doing that(or is that just me

amazing give yourself a pat on the back

remeber ignore alexs remark they mean ....

i like it

Thanks Baumski and Ian, I'm glad you both like the piece. I do appreciate all comments.

I think it could go either way. A lot depends on the delivery which is why I never noticed it as a possible problem when I wrote it. Baumski suggested Sid James. I pictured Eric Morcambe, he could say those kind of lines and not appear overly aggressive too. Then he could quickly change the tone back to light-hearted.

But if a producer reads it they wont necessarily get the tone intended. Tricky.

Quote: Smith Ian @ June 6, 2007, 2:14 PM

dear shoepie

ignore what "alan alexander" says or you could wipe you virtual ass with his comments

you need the begining like that to entice the audience.

the really weird thing is that you can imagine a milkman doing that(or is that just me

amazing give yourself a pat on the back

remeber ignore alexs remark they mean ....

i like it

View original

Hello there,

I've got an idea. Why not just express your view of the piece, rather than your view of my view? I mean, I wouldn't urge anyone to ignore your views on the basis that you're witless. That would be rude.

Best wishes

EDIT - I just noticed you wrote the AA piece, Ian. I can only assume your hostility stems from my opinion of that piece.
Remember, it's a tough business.

The rhythm in their voices felt inconsistent, if that makes sense?

It's a nice idea and it's OK, but I think it needs a rewrite.

Quote: Alan Alexander @ June 6, 2007, 3:16 PM

I just noticed you wrote the AA piece, Ian. I can only assume your hostility stems from my opinion of that piece.

View original

Ouch! I sense a happening, here.

Quote: Baumski @ June 6, 2007, 10:09 PM

Ouch! I sense a happening, here.

View original

And who keeps starting them?

Quote: David Chapman @ June 6, 2007, 10:17 PM

And who keeps starting them?

View original

People who don't understand the nature of criticism.

Calm down ladies.

Shoepie asked for a critique of his sketch, not a critique of the critiques.

And who asked for a critique of the critiques of the critiques?

I liked the start, middle & end. I enjoyed the whole set up. There is not a thing I would change.
I loved the fact the Missus sent her man to the naughty step & he obeyed. Infact having her chastise him some more while he was there would have been cool.
Then Dave takes his anger out on the Milkman which is superb followed by Dave seeing the milkman being enticed in by a neighbour.
Cool.