BISHOP PLAGUE SKETCH
* * *
INT. NEWSROOM. DAY.
ANCHOR:… and with an escalating toll, the severity of this plague is quickly becoming apparent. Henry Henry has this report.
EXT. PARK. DAY.
Camera pans right to left, revealing a great number of pink-cassocked bishops dotted all over the park. Some are reading bibles, some are squatting under lamp-posts, some are sitting in trees, and some are wandering around aimlessly. Generally they are alone, but a few are bunched in bustling packs.
HENRY
V/O) Another summer; another plague of bishops. If you thought bishop density was bad in 2003, you're in for a shock this year. Already, pundits believe 2009 will bear witness to the "holy mother" of all clergy infestations.
Cut to a shot of the city Stock Exchange; a swarm of bishops has blocked the entrance and spills out into the public thoroughfare.
HENRYV/O) In urban areas, throngs of bishops are already bringing business to a standstill. The metropolitan stock exchange was closed today, as enormous numbers of bishops congregated in the central business district. The situation became dire when they threatened to bring lay congregations of their own. Had this occurred the consequences would have been devastating, according to Senior Constable Douglas Sharpe.
Cut to a street interview with Senior Constable SHARPE; a sea of bishops in the background.
SHARPE:Manpower-wise we're already stretched to the limit. It's hard enough containing one congregation of this kind. We'd have no chance of containing a congregation of congregations. Just thank your lucky stars nobody gives a shit about God any more.
Cut to a shot of a bishop giving communion to a post-box. Follow this with a shot of a small child rubbing her eyes as a pack of bishops hold mass directly in front of her.
HENRY
isturbingly, the brightly-coloured attire of the senior clergymen is being blamed for a dramatic increase in the reported incidence of pink-eye.
Cut to a shot of HENRY, walking through the park seen previously.
HENRY:Worse still, scientists are concerned that the sheer density of bishops may actually speed up evolution within particular communities, potentially unleashing swarms of cardinals – a more dangerous strain of Christian minister. These ecumenically educated and theologically authoritative clergymen can strip a society of its secularism with a ferocity traditionally reserved for suggestible children and their undergarments. Richard Dawkins today labelled this theoretical ministerial evolution "f**king ironic".
Cut to a shot of a BISHOP sitting outside a public toilet.
HENRYV/O) After a lengthy search, we managed to locate a bishop who agreed to be interviewed.
HENRY asks questions OOV; a microphone is shoved at the BISHOP when he responds.
HENRYOOV) Bishop Thomas, why have you established a new diocese in this public lavatory?
BISHOP:This is prime real-estate at the moment. Some less fortunate bishops have been left with nothing more than a paving stone or a palm frond on which to found their dioceses. I'm one of the lucky ones.
HENRYOOV) I see. And what do you say to reports that rogue bishops have been ordaining laypeople in random attacks across the country?
BISHOP:I've not been involved with any of that, my son. But I can sympathise with them; there aren't many new clergy, so some of the lads feel we need to take fresh recruits by force. And I don't mean taking deacons up the jacksy.
Cut to a montage of bishop-related scenes: bishops climbing on children's playgrounds, packed onto double-decker buses in Karachi-like mayhem, and jeering outside a Buddhist convention.
HENRYV/O) The increasing severity of bishop plagues has raised numerous questions, including "why?". Some sociologists argue these now-regular infestations are a predictable response to Western secularisation, while others believe the Church has contravened its own dogma and resorted to mass-cloning in an attempt to revive its ailing socio-political authority. Whatever the reason, most analysts conclude that the only effective response to this increasingly desperate situation is to stay indoors, eschew religious iconography, and practice fervent atheism until the crisis passes. We can only hope the lama season is less fraught. I'm Henry Henry reporting from ground zero.
FIN.
